Home > Satire, Sports, Uncategorized > Thousands of Perfect Little Minnesotans Angry At Blair Walsh

Thousands of Perfect Little Minnesotans Angry At Blair Walsh

It’s been a rough week for perfect Minnesotans. The superior breed is really letting Blair Walsh have it after the Vikings kicker missed a 27-yard field goal near the end of the team’s 10-9 loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Here are thoughts on Blair Walsh from people who have never made a (televised) mistake in their lives:

“Kickers make that 27-yarder 99% of the time. People are going to remember this for years to come,” said a cow milker who one time couldn’t figure out how to open a condom wrapper, and instead of using the 99% effective rubber birth control device, decided to have unprotected sex and now has to make child support payments for years to come.

“I could have made that,” claimed a vending machine repairman, whose bathroom floor is puddled with urine that never made it into the toilet.

“He stinks,” said an out-of-work dog whisperer who never learned to wipe properly and is perpetually surrounded by a faint poopy smell.

“Little purple gnome miss point and I mad,” said a camouflage enthusiast who does not fully understand English, his first and only language.

“He didn’t focus,” observed a fast food connoisseur who bit her own finger off after thinking it was part of a batch of chicken fries.

“I like to drag my ass on the carpet. Like a dog,” said a guy who likes to drag his ass on the carpet like a dog.

  1. January 12, 2016 at 6:53 pm

    Still haven’t stopped laughing since he missed that field goal, I’m so grateful to be a Pats fan.

  2. January 12, 2016 at 7:09 pm

    There was quite a bit of laughter coming from me as well.

  3. January 12, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    Blair Walsh sounds too much like Blair Witch for me to keep a straight face.

    • January 13, 2016 at 5:15 am

      When he first started playing here his nickname was the Blair Walsh Project…..

      • January 13, 2016 at 11:53 am

        Ha, ha! Poor guy’s probably had that handed to him all his life.

  4. January 13, 2016 at 11:09 am

    You for make me laugh.

  5. January 16, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    Ha!! How’d I miss this. I’ve been a Vikes fan since I was a kid even though I’ve never lived in the state. I was disappointed when he missed but my first thought “ugh the reaction from fans will be horrible!” I felt bad for Walsh but he’s a big boy and will recover fine. This post was hilarious… you pretty much nailed fan-hood!

    • January 18, 2016 at 9:35 am

      Yeah I’m more worried about the mental health of some of the fans than for Blair Walsh….

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