Home > Satire > If #AllLivesMatter, That Means I Can Do Whatever I Want With This Dead Guy, Right?

If #AllLivesMatter, That Means I Can Do Whatever I Want With This Dead Guy, Right?

I recently read on the internet that all lives matter. Read: since only things with lives matter, that automatically means that anything without life, any object lacking that essential élan vital, is second class scum and not worthy of our time. All of this pleases me, ‘cuz I’ve got this dead guy.

This dead guy does not matter one bit. It’s right there in the hashtag. That gives me the go-ahead to really go to town on this corpse. Sex. I didn’t say it. You were thinking it. Anyways, there are a lot of non-sexual things you can do with a worthless body that just wouldn’t fly with a live person. I plan to stab it first. After that, I’m going to throw it off my balcony and see if it explodes on the concrete below.

That’s it. That’s all I want to do with the dead guy.

 

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  1. July 29, 2016 at 12:40 pm

    If the police find that dead body under your balcony, with stab wounds and your fingerprints all over, it will matter a LOT to them.

    • July 29, 2016 at 4:10 pm

      I think if I wear a #bluelivesmatter shirt when I’m being interrogated, they’ll probably just let me go.

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