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A Look Inside Today’s Conservative Home

Establishing shot: A really goddamn nice house, not unlike the one in Last Man Standing.

Interior shot: A teenage girl enters. Here we go. A pure, uncut look at the conservative values of 2018 America.

Teenage girl (TG): “Daddy, I need to talk to you.”

Conservative White Father (CWF from here on out): “The stock market is booming. Make it quick.”

TG: “Um, a boy from school….he tried to assault me last night. Sexually.”

CWF: “Prove it.”

TG: “I…..can’t.”

CWF: “Here’s some advice, daughter. Let’s say you were sexually assaulted—which you most certainly were not, from what I’m gathering here—at least have the decency to call me immediately after, or better yet, during. The Chinese invented Barack Obama.”

TG: “But I’m telling you, it really happened.”

CWF: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry. How insensitive of me. I’ve been totally out of line. The boy is…..brown, isn’t he? Is that what you’re trying to tell me? (the father pulls an assault rifle out of his shirt) I’m going to kill this son of a bitch.”

TG: “No, he is white.”

CWF: “And you’re trying to drag his name through the mud? For rape? Or in this case, attempted rape? Do you realize how many of Elton John’s records Republicans have broken since 2016?”

TG: “I…..what?”

CWF: “As a thought experiment, let’s say it did happen. Were you being a tease?”

TG. “No.”

CWF: “You were probably dressed kind of slutty, though.”

TG: “No, not at all.”

CWF: “Well those are the only two options. But you know what? Now that I’m looking at you, I’ll be darned if wouldn’t date you. You know, if you weren’t my daughter.”

TG: “Gross, dad.”

CWF: “No, it’s not gross at all. Us conservative white men see nothing wrong or strange about stating how attractive and dateable our daughters are. This is normal behavior. Now if I was talking about screwing my son, that would be weird.”

TG: “Dad, that’s my brother.”

CWF: “Well, you should probably go up to your room and have your period.”

TG: “Aren’t you going to do anything about the boy who tried to rape me?”

CWF: “Well, as you said earlier, you don’t have proof. Tell you what, I’m going to humor you. Let me have a look at his Facebook page.”

TG: (Brings up the dude’s Facebook page) “Here.”

CWF: “Okay. Now we’re getting somewhere. Last night, you say? (scrolling) Well, I have some bad news for you, daughter. He’s innocent. You see this? He posted ‘Getting white-boy wasted with Ball-sac and Jimbo.’ Nowhere in that statement does he say that he is raping anyone. We will soon have an army in space.”

Conservative White Mother (CWM) enters: “I have finished cleaning.”

CWF: “The daughter thinks she was sexually assaulted. Rich white men should not pay taxes.”

CWM: “Was she dressed inappropriately and being a tease?”

CWF: “It says no. I think this whole thing is just her way of telling us that she enjoys the recent historic tax cuts and burning Nike shoes.”

CWM: “Probably. We do have an extra two dollars and fifty cents per week.”

Conservative White Father grabs his wife by the pussy. “Is dinner ready?”

CWM: “I am just going to let you grab my pussy. It will be a little while before dinner is ready. Why don’t you lecture me about birth control while we wait?”

CWF: “I want dinner now.

CWM: “I just put the chicken in the oven. It’s unsafe to eat. ”

CWF: “NOT FOR MEEEEE!!!!!!” He rips off his human mask, revealing a scaly, reptilian head. He walks into the kitchen and takes the raw chicken out of the oven. “DINNER IS SERVED!!!!!!!! I SHALL WASH IT DOWN WITH A TALL, COOL GLASS OF LIBTARD TEARS!!!!! RAAAAAAAAWR!!!!!” The rest of Conservative White Father’s lizard body rips out of his human costume as he takes large bites of raw chicken.

Conservative White Mother picks up the pile of human moltings. “These were due for a wash anyways.” She turns to the camera. “Help me. Please.

TG: “Is anybody going to do anything about my situation? No? Alright then.”

The screen transitions to a pile of flaming Colin Kaepernick jerseys surrounded by Russian nesting dolls. Fade to black.

 

 

 

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