A Pair of Jokes

“Controlling the mind is a more effective means of social control than punishing the body.” —Michel Foucault

I’ve come up with a way to batter both someone’s mind and body.

Here’s a ‘your daddy’ joke I wrote.

“Your daddy’s so dumb he tells ‘your momma’ jokes. To you.”

That is just rich.

Unless, of course, you plan on telling it to an individual who hails from a dysfunctional home, and the father really does treat the woman whom he impregnated with disrespect. So a word of caution: before presenting this humdinger to some ragamuffin you really think has it coming, take a moment to brush up on that person’s background. Nothing too personal, just ask what the situation was like at home growing up, were they rich, is either parent in prison, etc. Then quickly size up your mark. Is this a person that can take a joke? Does he or she have a violent temper? If they sat on you, would it hurt?

It would be wise to take a few basic martial arts courses beforehand. Also wear something hard around your neck, as the trachea is becoming one of the more trendy spots to blast in an attack. But make sure the thing protecting your neck matches your flesh, so people think that it’s uncovered, and when they punch it, then, well, let’s just say you’ll be able to use this next joke on them:

“Your daddy’s so dumb he raised a person who can’t even tell when another person is wearing a skin-camouflaged neck protecting device.”

You can probably lay off the jokes at this point, having provided both psychological and physical damage to the loser with the stupid dad. Go get lunch. You earned it.

Here’s A Joke

It’s Saturday. Here’s a joke to tell at that house party, weenie roast, or fish fry you’re attending tonight:

Q/ What is black, white, red, and can’t think?

A\ A nun with a beet for a head.

Two Bananas

Shlogust has begun. Might as well warm up for the long haul ahead with a joke. The following gem comes from my friend K-Swan. It’s about two bananas.

Two bananas are sitting on a riverbank. A turd comes floating by and says “Come on in, the water’s fine!”

The first banana looks at the second and says “Do you believe that sh*t?”

Once you stop laughing, here’s the Blong. It’s the first of the month.

 

Monday

Knock knock.

What the crap? I wasn’t expecting anyone! Who is it?

Panther.

This is really weird. Panther who?

Panther no pants, I’m goin’ swimmin’!

HAHA!!! YES!! BOOYA!!! The Blog is on FIRE!!!

Thank you to the Henning family of Mounds View for that gem.

Since I really have nothing else of social relavance to talk about, I’ll give y’all an Aldi recap from this morning. 26 items purchased. And the grand total comes to………….$35.53. What is that, like $1.37 per item? And that feeds me for an entire week! Totally worth dealing with the masses of unkempt people tweezing their undershorts out of the aging waxy folds of their scrota. Well, see ya later!

Oh yeah, here’s a Blong.

Friday Fun Facts-Lame Jokes Edition

The Friday Fun Facts is taking a slight left turn today, as we are going to share some really lame jokes with everyone. You’ve probably heard some of these before, and we’re all very happy for you.

-A teacher asked a student how he had spent his summer vacation. He replied “My dog ran into the street, and a car hit him right in the ass! It really messed him up.”  The teacher said to him “You should say rectum instead.” The boy looked confused and said “Rectum?! Damn near killed ’em!”

-A termite walks into a bar and says “Is the bar tender here?”

-What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.

-Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.

-What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing you idiot, apples can’t talk.

-Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.

-Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

-Why don’t they have toilet paper at KFC? Because it’s finger-lickin good.

-You’re such a smart ass you could sit on a bucket of ice cream and tell what flavor it is.

That one wasn’t really a joke, but I found it funny, so lay off, I’m trying my best.