Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

Sitting, Standing, and Channel Surfing During the National Anthem

September 14, 2016 2 comments

When I’m watching a sporting event at home I sit on a couch during the national anthem. Sometimes I stand to go use the bathroom. Most of the time I watch something else until the game starts. I know the song is playing, but it’s on a different channel. Does the mere knowledge that the national anthem is playing somewhere require some sort of action?

If you camped outside the house of a pro-stander (or anti-sitter) and played the song continuously would they never sit down?

If you did the same thing at the home of a pro-sitter (or anti-stander), would they never stand up?

If the song is performed acapella using sign language in a forest, does it make a sound?







Rapper Boasts About Average Penile Length In New Song

A blurred out image of the penis, which no one wanted to see anyway.

A blurred out image of the normal penis, which no one wanted to see anyway.

Some suburb in MN—Rapper Steven Anderson decided over the weekend to mention his 5 7/8″ long reproductive organ on his newest track, tentatively titled My Penis is Right In Line With The American Average.

“For the opening line, which can make or break a hip-hop song, I was thinking something along the lines of ‘My five and seven eighths/always satiates.’ It drops right in with the beat, and people will be like ‘What? That’s not very big. But it’s not little either.’ I’m not married to the idea, though,” Anderson said from his Toyota Camry.

In hip-hop tradition, when a membrum virile is mentioned, it is generally for the purpose of revealing great size, as well as giving a mention to the owner’s dexterity and control over the piece of anatomy, a fact not lost on Steven.

“Not everyone is hung like a goddam horse, alright? It’s just how it works,” he said. “I’ve got this weener, like most guys, and it’s just your basic weener, nothing more, nothing less, and I want people to know that.”

The reference to the mid-level junk, which is nothing to write home about, was finally given the go-ahead by Anderson after a late-night writing session in which he wrestled with the idea of whether or not people would like to hear music about his in-no-way-out-of-the-ordinary dong.

When asked if the size of his log might attract ridicule from rival rappers, or the fact that he drives a Camry, rents a middle-unit townhouse, and holds a day job in data entry, Anderson responded: “You know what? I’m just a normal person with no defining qualities, and I don’t think it’s a point of shame. The fact of the matter is, today’s average American penis doesn’t get a lot of clock in hip-hop. But the very fact that it’s not special, that makes it special among the masses, because there are millions of men just like me, and they’ll buy into this. No one makes fun of a guy for being 5’10”. That’s average. Besides, I make up for it in other ways, if you know what I mean.”

When told “No, I don’t know what you mean, please elaborate,” Steven ended the interview.


International Women’s Day Was Yesterday

Women are alright in my book. I used to live inside of one.

Yesterday was International Women’s Day, and we’re going to keep the party raging, all weekend if necessary.

These are just a few songs I’ve been listening to a lot lately. All the singers are gals.

Wild Belle—It’s Too Late. It’s reggae-y.

Little Daylight—Overdose. It’s electronic-y.

The Knife—Heartbeats

Arcade Fire—Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains)

How To Translate Rap Lyrics, Volume Three

The third installment (here’s Volume 1, and Volume 2) of an ongoing symposium aimed at helping those not familiar with, and/or intimidated by, rap/hip hop music. It’s simple: I present the original lyric, and then offer up a cleaner, easier to understand alternative. Let us begin.

Lyric: I’m star studded/You muh-f*ckas not gon’ be able to cut it/Listen, b*tch, I’m a tough act to follow/Suck my d*ck and here’s a n*ts*ck to swallow          -Mad Child of the group Swollen Members, from the song Watch This

Translation: I embody the physical properties of a giant burning ball of gas/You people who engage in sexual intercourse with the woman who gave birth to you are not up to snuff/Hear ye, woman who I respect no more than a female dog, it will be a formidable task to put together a performance superior to the one I have just displayed/Place my phallus in your mouth, and when you are done with that, begin work on my scrotum

Lyric: I never gave props to MC’s who don’t deserve it/Never smoked rocks, never had guts to serve it/Never had a glock, never seemed to be worth it/Never had I thought life was gonna be perfect           -Spawn, formerly of Atmosphere, on the song Multiples

Translation: If I find the work of my colleagues in the rap wing of the music industry leaving something to be desired, I will not acknowledge their efforts with praise of any kind/I’ve always been a bit wary, and yes, afraid of hardcore street drugs/Owning a firearm with the potential to harm others has always seemed immature and trivial to me/I have no misconceptions about my place in this world – I know that things can and will go wrong at times, and it is up to me to be responsible enough to deal with these situations as best I can when they arrive

Lyric: Basketball is my favorite sport/I like the way they dribble up and down the court/Just like I’m the king on the microphone, so is Dr. J and Moses Malone/I like slam-dunks, take me to the hoop/My favorite play is the alley-oop    -Kurtis Blow, Basketball

Translation: There are manifold ramifications to the choices we as a country must make at this juncture. For instance, while tensions with those pinko commie bastards run high (this song was written in the early eighties), we ourselves must not overcompensate by becoming a bunch of Ayn Rand-ian Objectivist a**holes. Therefore, let’s enjoy the game of basketball.

Lyric: I don’t have no trouble with you f***ing me/But I have a little problem wit you not f***ing me/Baby you know I’m gonna take care of you/Cause you say you got my baby, and I know it ain’t true     -Ol’ Dirty Bastard, from Baby I Got Your Money

Translation: I would have no objection if you chose to engage in coitus with me/Although, if you were to decide against it, I would be somewhat vexed/Girl, I have the resources to support you physically and financially*/You claim to be carrying my offspring, but I know for a fact that you are lying

*Editor’s note – “take care of you,” in the arena of rap and hip hop, can also imply the threat of manslaughter, which could be applicable in the case of this lyric, due to the accusation that the woman is lying about being pregnant with Mr. Bastard’s child.

Lyric: I got the golden egg plus the goose/80 proof Absolut mixed with cranberry fruit juice, ginseng boost/I got your neck in a noose    -RZA of the Wu-Tang Clan, from the song Reunited

Translation: I have harnessed great wealth, as well as the means to ensure more of it in the future/By partaking in this potent alcohol and berry blend, with the added invigoration of a stimulating plant root/I feel as though I am capable of anything, up to and including physically dominating you

How To Translate Rap Lyrics, Volume 2

October 12, 2011 1 comment

Greetings. This is a guide for people who don’t understand rap lyrics. One or two people seemed to enjoy the first volume, so here’s round two.

Lyric: “Cruisin’ down the street in my six fo’/Jockin the b*tches, slappin’ the hoes/went to the park to get the scoop/knuckleheads out there cold shootin’ some hoop.” -Eazy E, Boyz-n-the-Hood

Translation: “Driving down the government-funded roadway in my 1964 Chevrolet Impala/I was flirting with females that I found sexually attractive, and using physical violence against promiscuous women for whom I harbor no respect/I then proceeded to the public area set aside for recreation and relaxation, to see if anything interesting was happening, or if any thought-provoking gossip was to be had/The only notable occurence was a bunch of local idiots playing a game of basketball.”

Lyric: (Puff Daddy) “Mase can you please stop smoking La-La?” (Mase) “Puff, why try, I’m a thug, I’ma die high.” -Puff Daddy (featuring Mase), from Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down

Translation: (Puff Daddy) “Mase, I am imploring you to cease the inhalation of this mildy intoxicating chemical.” (Mase) “Puff, is it really worth the effort? The life I live is a depraved tapestry of liquor, thievery, and buffoonery. I fear that I have lost control, and that these actions will inevitably lead to my untimely demise.”

Lyric: “WHAAAAAAAAT?!???!!!? OOOOOKKKAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!” -Lil Jon, from every song he’s ever done

Translation: “Due to intellectual shortcomings, my own inherent laziness, and lack of forsight, I have unwittingly pigeonholed myself into an inescapable black hole of creative bankuptcy that has reduced me to a mere caricature of myself.”

Lyric: “We got Magnum Brown, Shoothki, Valoothki/Super-calafraga-hestik-alagoothki/You can put that in ya don’t know what I said book/Took-look-yuk-duk-wuk.” -Flavor Flav of Public Enemy, from Cold Lampin’ With Flavor

Translation: ???????

Lyric: “I’m a freak/I like the girls with the boom/I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.” -Digital Underground, The Humpty Dance

Translation: “I have sexual quirks that are perceived as odd or disturbing compared to “traditional” ways of intercourse/I like a woman with added heft to her girth/I once copulated in the washroom of a popular fast food establishment.”

Blong (Blog Song). Some rap music. Ghetto Supastar. It’s pretty much about my life.

Shlogust 22nd

Man, look at that little calendar on the right hand side there. It’s fillin’ up pretty good. We’ve got a couple of things comin’ down the pipe before Shlogust wraps up. Until then, here’s a weird music video. Four Tet – No More Mosquitoes.

Shlogust 17th

Well, here we are. Shlogust 17th. The Dog Days of Shlogust are officially upon us. Yet again, I didn’t really prepare anything. On this day in 1959, Kind of Blue by Miles Davis came out. So I guess go listen to that.


I don’t even like this song, but I feel like if I start walking and dressing like this guy, things would start looking up for me. You only need to watch the first 40 seconds to see what I’m talking about. I need to loosen up my stride, incorporate more hand movement, and just strut, baby.

Eskimo Spy

*Eskimo Spy was a classmate of mine. He wants to be a “buzzworthy music producer.” And I just want to get rich. So I wrote this. If you like it send me lots and lots of money.

Q – What kind of music would you get if Richard D. James of Aphex Twin fame had a sex-change, got impregnated by a race of aliens from the galaxy of Glarknoid, and gave birth to a baby who loves to synthesize?

A – There would be no way of knowing, because Glarknoidian creed dictates that any surrogate host of a fetus be discarded of immediately after harvest, with the offspring being whisped away to be educated and raised exclusively in Glarknoid culture. In addition to that, the human bank of knowledge on Glarknoidian scales and music theory is vague at best, which would cause any semblance of a tune to fall on uncomprehending ears.

Q – What if the first question was posed again, only this time the fetus was absconded with and kept here on Earth? Then the Daft Punk duo came along and adopted, loved, and raised it?

A – Again, there would be no way of knowing, because the Glarknoidians have travelled many light years to find a human uterus worthy of housing their progeny, and if their seed is tampered with, their superior musk-tracking skills will come into play, find and take their baby, and destroy mankind as punishment.

Enter Eskimo Spy. He is 100% Earthling, and has never lived in Richard D. James’ uterus. But please believe he would love to one day. No one is quite sure how long he has been spying on Eskimos. Or is he an Eskimo, spying on us? That has never been made clear. What is clear is that he’ll employ a sinister abundance of twisted synths to eat your cerebral cortex away from the inside out, only to exit peacefully, with everything somehow feeling refreshed and fertilized after the fact. Kinda like what a worm does. When he’s feeling particularly saucy, he’ll even take some bass, and make it ripple and shake, like a tectonic plate. Pepper some drums over that. Then listen. Click the links below to hear for yourself, because you never know when those Glarknoidians are going to descend upon us once again, perhaps this time targeting Eskimo Spy himself.

And here’s the Blong (Blog Song). It’s obviously Eskimo Spy.

How To Translate Rap Lyrics

Ah, rap music – nothing but a feckless, dime-a-dozen street-walking delinquent spouting off nonsense into a cheap microphone. What social value could this music possibly bring to the community? None. None value is the answer. Yet, upon deeper review, the message of the music can be lost in the quirky colloquialisms used by rappers who have been brought up in a variety of different regions and cultures. I will now attempt to decipher some “bars” by a few popular rap artists, in order to find out what they are really trying to tell us.

This art was crafted by me in Microsoft Paint.

Lyric: “Rap ain’t about bustin’ caps and f****n’ b*****s, it’s about fluency and rhyming ingenuity.” -Del the Funky Homosapien of the group Hieroglyphics, from the song At the Helm

Translation: “This musical genre is not intended to be about the reckless use of firearms and holding sexual congress with numerous women. We all must never forget that the cornerstone of crafting a respectable ballad is having a strong command of the English language, which includes possessing a diverse vocabulary, and having the cognitive wherewithal to put that diverse vocabulary to good use by finding new, innovative ways to make words work with each other.”

Lyric: “I want to get hiiiiiiiiigh, sooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.” -B-Real of Cypress Hill, from I Wanna Get High

Translation: “I would very much like to ingest an illegal substance, preferably tetrahydrocannabinol, to alter my state of mind. I do this from time to time to alleviate the vexations of stress, depression, and anxiety, but I also do it to bond with others at social gatherings during the weekend.”

Lyric: “I like big butts and I cannot lie.” -Sir Mix-A-Lot, Baby Got Back

Translation: “I favor a gluteus maximus with a large amount of cellulite. I am being completely and utterly honest.”

Lyric: “I bomb atomically, Socrates’ philosophies and hypotheses can’t define how I be droppin’ these mockeries.” -Inspectah Deck of Wu-Tang Clan, from Triumph

Translation: “I am utilizing these hyperbolic military and philosophical metaphors in order to prove that one would be hard-pressed to understand how I have developed such a streamlined system to boast about my poetic prowess.”

Lyric: “I never thought it could happen, this rappin’ stuff, I was too used to packin’ gats and stuff, now honeys play me close like butter played toast.” -Notorious B.I.G., from Juicy

Translation: “Who would have thought that I could forge a career in the music industry, with such a dubious background involving guns and other reprehensible items? Now beautiful women stay near me at all times.”

Lyric: “Change? S**t. I guess change is good for any of us. Whatever it take for any of y’all n****z to get up out the hood. S**t, I’m wit cha, I ain’t mad at cha.” -Tupac, I Ain’t Mad At Cha

Translation: “Alterations? Sheesh. They can be a positive force in our lives. Anything that can help young African Americans find a better life in an affluent neighborhood, I’m all for that. I will not think less of you for pursuing an honorable lifestyle.”

Lyric: “Don’t make me wake this baby, she don’t need to see what I’m about to do, quit crying b***h, why do you always make me shout at you?” -Eminem, Kim

Translation: “It is important that our child does not see that I am about to murder you. Why must you cause a scene, therefore resulting in me having to raise my voice to inappropriate levels?”

Lyric: “My main thug n***a named Julio he moodio, type of n***a that’ll slap you with the toolio, b***h n***a scared to death ask fruity-o, f**k that look at shorty she a little cutie-o, the way she shake it make me want to get all in the booty yo.” Busta Rhymes, Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See

Translation: “My best friend Julio has temperamental issues. It is best to not disturb him at this time, or he may act out, aggressively if necessary. Hey wait, look at that woman over there! The manner in which she is dancing makes me want to engage in consensual intercourse with her.”

And there you have it. Here’s the Blong (Blog song). Aesop Rock – None Shall Pass. The sweet irony being that it is a rap music tune in which I have no idea what he is talking about.

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