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You Learn Something New Every Day

The phrase “you learn something new every day” really is true. For instance, at about 1:30 this morning I learned two things:

1) My friend Ben shaves his armpits.

2) If you shave your armpits, never, ever, announce it at a party, because you will get made fun of. A lot.

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My Three-Year-Old Nephew Has An Eight-Year-Old Girlfriend

He may not know her name, and we aren’t sure if the girl in question is aware of the fact that they’re dating, but little Gavi-Shenanigans is in his mind officially dating a girl nearly three times as old as he is. All we know is that she’s petite, and, given her age, still very vivacious—I can really do nothing but respect Baby G for taming the Cougar. This is the equivalent of me dating a woman in her mid-eighties, which is a quest I have recently been looking into.

Hyper-Intelligent, Genital-less Race of Super-Humanoids Found Living In Cloud City Above Area 51

Scientists have discovered a step to the next level of human consciousness. A race of highly evolved, hyper-intelligent humans was found living atop a cloud city over Area 51. Their digestive systems are extremely streamlined — no liquid or solid waste is produced by their bodies, causing both their genitalia and rectal orifices to have been snuffed out by natural selection. When asked how they reproduce, what we formerly considered a “smart” anthropologist, who would be thought of as a water-headed infant by this new society’s standards, put down his Tootsie Pop and replied, “I don’t know, but it’s probably totally nast.”

The members of this all around better breed are so advanced that they transmit their language telepathically. Since we have no way of communicating with this newer, better version of the poor excuses we currently have for people, it may not be possible to find out or even hope to understand the technological advances they have made, but you can be damn sure those rat-bastards would have something up their sleeves, if they had use for clothing. They’re just up there on their stupid cloud, zipping around on their personal perpetual motion machines, while all us idiots are stuck down here, listening to what Stephen Hawking says, and he can’t even talk. We can only hope our out-dated bodies are so revolting to them that they have no interest in prodding, probing, and picking at every hole they can find.

This is sort of what they might look like.

Neat

A few days ago, I saw an elderly Japanese couple doing karate in their driveway. It was awesome.

Categories: Postaday2011, Random Tags: ,

Search Engine Optimization

The folks at WordPress are kind enough to have a feature for us bloggers that shows where traffic to our blogs is coming from. I recently flipped through the section that tells you what terms people are typing in that bring your web log up in search engine results. Here are the highlights, word for word:

“Hair back”

“Back hair”

“Freedom in my pants”

“Cat, foods, and fetum”

“Fun facts on the rectum”

“165,000 eggs in a lifetime?”

“Rue McClanahan and Bob Hawke”

“Animal predictions about super bowl”

“Who do i email to change the weather”

“i threw up alot?”

“How to fake your hamsters death”

“Caw cat minneapolis”

“beans and weens”

“bovinial leslie”

“The vomit arsonist”

“Sexhawk”

“Fetusheist”

“Bird ate my donut”

“Is deriving pleasure from peeing your pants wrong”

“Sean Hunter in steamy dumps”

“How to start wearing skinny jeans”

There you have it. A lot of these people probably ended up pretty disappointed. For example, we’ve never even done a “Fun facts on the rectum” segment, so I don’t even know why this blog comes up in searches for that topic. But hey, I’ll take whatever I can get, even if it is some perv wondering if it’s okay to be turned on by peeing in his pants.

Spam

Here is a spam comment that WordPress blocked from being posted on this Blog. Yet is was so fascinating that I thought I would share it here anyway. It seems like it was translated from Croatian into Japanese, and then a German-speaking guy tried to type it out in English. It’s……interesting.

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Categories: Postaday2011, Random Tags: ,

Study: Complaining on Facebook Actually Can Change The Weather

When I was cruising Facebook earlier today, I came upon a link that I saw posted in my News Feed. That link led me to an article about the nature of Facebook and its influence on nature. “Where can I find this article?” you are probably wondering. You are reading it, right now. Let us continue.

Studies have shown that posting comments such as “Uggh, snow? Again? FML,” can actually be observed by the atmosphere, which is much more intuitive and sensitive to the thoughts, feelings, and elemental tolerances of humans than we previously believed it to be.  Some posts, like “Why does it have to be sooo cold? Brrrr!” have been shown to reach as far as the sun itself, causing it to “crank up the heat” a few notches in order to obliterate any below-freezing temperatures that may be causing discomfort to the crybaby, who probably is already in a warm room, sitting in front of their computer. Meteorologists have concluded that using Facebook to air any climatical grievances is the only proven method to stop rain, make it warmer, or do just about anything else that will bring unfettered joy to anyone complaining about an entity that as little as five years ago was thought to be uncontrollable. We are truly witnessing a revolution.

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