The Restroom Review – Under The Deck At My Friend Ryan’s House in Plymouth

The area under the deck at my friend Ryan’s house, while not a “conventional” restroom, blows the water out of the toilets in Apple Valley and Zimmerman. The battles waged against disgusting hair and arcane inscriptions in those two establishments were nonexistent here.

The deck itself, while in need of minor repairs, did lend a fine platform in which to discuss a diverse array of pressing intellectual issues. That is why this particular restroom area impressed me so. You see, in a traditional setup, the patron of the commode is forced to isolate him or herself for a few minutes from any discussion that may be happening. Nothing is worse than being in a bathroom and hearing a muffled burst of laughter erupt from the group that you had just been a part of. Was an amazing joke just told? Were they laughing at your expense? Did a “you had to be there” moment just occur, and since you weren’t there, you will never truly know the hilarity of the event that you missed? These worries were erased by using the area under Ryan’s deck. I simply walked down a small flight of stairs (minor point deduction – it was dark and there was no light on the steps) and let loose. The platform of the deck was level with my chin, so that I was able to stand next to it, discreetly dispense my urine into the unused area beneath it, and still maintain conversation with my friends above. To them, I was just a head down there off to the side, tossing in occasional hilarious and witty observations, while also relieving bladderal pressure. No one has to see what is going on below, and I can still be a part of the conversation above. Everyone wins. One other minor point deduction – the dog running around. I believe he was aware of the fact that someone was urinating in the area and that he should steer clear, but one can never be 100% sure of these things. After zipping up, I closed my eyes and breathed in the light breeze that was bringing a fresh aquatic influence from the nearby pond.

Final verdict – I would highly recommend using this restroom.

Blong (Blog Song). Some Budos Band action. Good outdoor urinating music.

The Restroom Review – Zimmerman Super America

Nestled on the northwestern crest of the Twin Cities metropolitan area, the Zimmerman Super America served up a dull helping of familiarity. The corporate cookie-cutter design of the space offered no surprises, right down to the putrid filth of the room. That may sound brash, but believe me, I’ve been around long enough to know that if you go into a gas station bathroom and don’t find a disgusting combination of hair/fluids, something is disturbingly wrong. Quite frankly, I would have had to knock points off if I could actually have seen myself clearly in the mirror. Luckily for this branch of Super America, everything was as dirty as it should have been this afternoon. Due to the heavy amount of airborne pathogens invisibly screaming around the room, I don’t even know why I bothered to wash my hands, but I did, and it led me to discover some caveman-esque etchings on the paper towel dispenser. From what I was able to decipher, I learned that “Justin rules” and “LaRhonda is a thieving slut,” both nice touches that gave the above-mentioned cookie-cutter design a more personal, local flavor. I did notice that the machine that sells glow-in-the-dark condoms, a staple of convenience store lavatories, was absent. Perhaps LaRhonda stole it.

Final verdict – Despite the quaint carvings, this restroom had nothing that really made it “pop.”

The Restroom Review – Apple Valley South Super Target

New segment – I use public bathrooms and report on their cleanliness, design, and overall “ease of use.”

For a corporation that has proclaimed it strives to be “the best company ever,” Target sure makes its employees and guests wade through a whole lot of pubic hair and liquid waste to access their urinals. This visit started off good – I took note of the ample square footage of the stalls, the art nouveau three-quarter-eggshell urinal design – but as I saddled up to the urination station, I looked down and noticed that I was in a sea of golden waste. I finished up, being careful to find sure footing lest I slip and take a dip in the hairy bog I had become ensnared in. The sinks worked well enough, and I must commend them for not skimping on the blow dryer – my skin rippled from the gale force blast! I did have to spend a considerable amount of time in the parking lot after exiting the store, dragging my feet on the pavement in order to scrape as much of the sludge off my shoes as I could.

Final verdict – If you enjoy other people’s urine, by all means visit Apple Valley South Super Target.

Blong. Cake – Jolene.