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Great And Christian Donald Trump Generously Donates Thirteen Percent of One Million Dollars To Down And Out Whore

Donald Trump, great president of America and very much ardent follower of Christ, has generously given big portion of donald’s father’s money to down and out harlot who has lost very many of her ways in this world.

Large sum of american $130,000, donated by strong leader and Man of God Trump to floozy who wallows in dregs of pornographic film industry, in order to provide for her great opportunity for to accept Jesus and spread giant words of Trump.

TRumP says this is good thing for America.

We must all make good for America and give our rubles, all of them, to women of filth, says TrUmp.

TrumP also gives us generous tip to buy red america is great hats from website that will donate money to great all over american donald truMP.

So do this, America, and america will blast white greatness over all the world. Happy!

Thousands of Perfect Little Minnesotans Angry At Blair Walsh

It’s been a rough week for perfect Minnesotans. The superior breed is really letting Blair Walsh have it after the Vikings kicker missed a 27-yard field goal near the end of the team’s 10-9 loss to the Seattle Seahawks. Here are thoughts on Blair Walsh from people who have never made a (televised) mistake in their lives:

“Kickers make that 27-yarder 99% of the time. People are going to remember this for years to come,” said a cow milker who one time couldn’t figure out how to open a condom wrapper, and instead of using the 99% effective rubber birth control device, decided to have unprotected sex and now has to make child support payments for years to come.

“I could have made that,” claimed a vending machine repairman, whose bathroom floor is puddled with urine that never made it into the toilet.

“He stinks,” said an out-of-work dog whisperer who never learned to wipe properly and is perpetually surrounded by a faint poopy smell.

“Little purple gnome miss point and I mad,” said a camouflage enthusiast who does not fully understand English, his first and only language.

“He didn’t focus,” observed a fast food connoisseur who bit her own finger off after thinking it was part of a batch of chicken fries.

“I like to drag my ass on the carpet. Like a dog,” said a guy who likes to drag his ass on the carpet like a dog.

Next Generation Virtual Reality

December 29, 2015 1 comment

Samsung has blown us all away with the release of its Virtual Reality Headset. For only one hundred dollars, you can strap your smart phone an inch away from your eyes, and be launched into alternate dimensions.

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You could easily steal this woman’s wallet.

I went ahead and invented the next generation of this technology. For two hundred bucks, I’ll lead you into a forest, where you can pick out any old stump you want. For an extra fifty, I’ll provide an axe and let you chop down a tree of your choosing.

 

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And for the low low price of three hundred dollars, I will bring you to a store, point you in the direction of the furniture department, and allow you to browse through stools and chairs, any of which you can easily purchase.

Then we’ll go to your house, and I will help you place your new Virtual Reality Ass Holder a foot in front of your television. After that, you can sit on it, and lean forward until your nose is nearly touching the screen. Depending on what kind of TV you have, the world in front of you could be over six feet long! Just compare that to the tiny screen of your smart phone. Congratulations, you are now experiencing a digital life separate from your own depressing, tortured existence, and you don’t need to have a thing strapped to your head.

Educational Wednesday, Part Three

November 18, 2015 2 comments

I was watching a PBS documentary where a guy in a tobacco field was talking about the ingredients of dirt.

That’s not what we are here to learn today, though.

A different part of the same documentary dropped the knowledge that camels originated in North America, not the Middle East.

Good night.

 

 

 

Notes From The Cosmos

An LG Cosmos.

Sometimes I write little notes to myself.

And sometimes, when I want to write a little note to myself and there is no pen or paper around, I pull out my cellular telephone, a first generation LG Cosmos, and activate the “Notepad” feature.

For instance, on October 28th of last year, I recorded this: “Why aren’t there any funny tampon commercials.”

Here we are, over a year later, and I still have not witnessed a humorous feminine napkin advertisement, and I still don’t understand what tampons are actually for.

Using Kickstarter to Fund Punchbeginner

Hey everyone, I started a Kickstarter campaign!!

The pitch:

Ideally, I would love to create a website called Punchbeginner that allows users to donate money to me in order to fund my creative projects. Musicians, writers, artists, filmmakers, and entrepreneurs would also be allowed to use the website for the same purpose, but they would not get as much money as me. I would get the most money.

punchbeginner

Our logo. The text is in lowercase letters to show that we’re different, and don’t follow the ‘normal’ rules.

Once my website is up and running, and that sweet green comes rolling in, I could begin my inaugural project. It’s a performance piece, one of those ‘art-imitating-life’ things that people with glasses talk about. The asking price is about three million dollars, and the plot would center around what would happen if a 31-year-old man created a website for crowdfunding and was then able to retire from the profits. The best part is that this would be my only project, because the storyline goes on in real-time until my death, whether it comes during the wild celebration that would ensue after squeezing three million dollars out of suckers on the internet, or 100 years from now, when my third implanted monkey heart fails and I can’t find another one because humans caused monkeys to become extinct.

If this sounds like something you would like to see come to life, please donate liberally and often. No refunds, and thank you in advance for your generosity.

Hi.

I have been gone for some time. I am back.

Where was I?

Kind of a long story, I suppose. ***SPOILER ALERT—even though everything that follows is completely true, it very closely parallels, and at some points is the exact same as, the ending plotline from the hit television show Breaking Bad. So here’s the gist of it.

As he became increasingly psychotic and morally bankrupt, I had no choice but to turn on my meth cooking partner. I’m dumb, and he’s smart, so naturally some things went very wrong. I was captured in the New Mexican desert by a gang of neo-Nazis who tortured me and forced me to make drugs for them in a secure compound from which there was no escape. I was, however, able to replace the active ingredient in meth with an industrial grade laxative. The only thing that kept me going all those months was the solace that tweekers the Southwest over were experiencing historic bouts of bowl-vacating pestilence.

Then I escaped and came back here, where I now sit and type.

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