Archive for the ‘Writing a Book’ Category

Hard, Orange Scat For Sale

Donald Trump was in Minneapolis last Thursday. We’ve all seen the footage of him boarding AF1 with toilet paper stuck to his shoe, which means that his bowels were most likely active while here in Minnesota.

As a novelist who has never sold a novel, I saw a way to diversify my revenue stream.

So down into the sanitary infrastructure I went. I knew it wouldn’t be easy wading through the poo of a metropolis, but I need money, and there are worse jobs out there. Plus my writing desk is next to a litter box, so the sewer acted as a catalyst for my creative juices, which began flowing much like the feculent sludge all around me.

I knew I could very well come up with nothing, but I had to try. And I’m glad I did, because after only ten minutes in those tubes, I found what I was looking for:

Trump Nugget

It’s exactly what it looks like, folks. A Trump Nugget.

There is absolutely no question that this pile of feces came out of Donald Trump’s anus. Just look at it—the color, the texture—well you can’t feel it, but believe me, it’s as dry and scratchy as DT’s weathered hide.

So to everyone out there in the #MAGA crowd, this little guy is for sale. I’m seeing that Make America Great Again hats are going for 25 bucks on the official website, and those have never even been inside of Donald Trump.

One hundred dollars, OBO. I am also willing to trade for Trump Steaks, which is probably what this poop started out as.

As A Novelist, I See Art Everywhere

As a novelist, it is my job to take a variety of drugs—smack, clappy, scrim-sham, bluppies, etc.—get really, really up there, then ride out the comedown with dark liquor and a tube of glue. Then, and only then, do I even think about writing a novel. You see, reaching these extreme highs and lows allows me to achieve the realization that there is art in everything.

‘Hey look, a tree!’ You, as a normal, drooling dullard may exclaim at the sight of a tree. But you’d be wrong. That tree is actually art. And I know that.

‘Wow, that cloud looks like a hamster!’ Your underdeveloped sense of vision may tell you. I’m sorry, but that cloud actually looks like Hobby Lobby, because that is the true birthplace of art. And also because the universe wouldn’t waste time sending you, a person who hasn’t even written a novel, a giant rain-filled rodent. Give the earth art, and she’ll give it right on back.

‘It transcends space, expresses the notion that there are no limits, no control; yes, chaos rules here—and it is beautiful,’ you cluck as you observe Autumn Rhythm. But as the novelist, I see…..a close up of ass hair? Maybe there’s some genitalia hidden in there somewhere. No, no. Just a bunch of ass hair clogging up a drain.


Autumn Rhythm by Jackson Pollock

The Novelist Encounters An Abundance Of Veins

September 18, 2018 3 comments

As a novelist, one of the more annoying things I’ve encountered lately is when a veiny, curly-haired lunk walks right up to me and says “How are WE doing?” And I’m thinking, hey man, I want nothing to do with your vascularity and loafers with no socks. I’m a novelist, pal, a lone wolf, not some guy who eats a ten ounce pile of barley and six hard-boiled eggs in a sitting. “WE aren’t doing anything, yo,”  I say to this throbby, pumpy dude. And right to his face. No fear at all.

Actually I just write about it here. Because that is what novelists do. We write. And cower in the presence of wide-veined men.

The Book Is Being Written

November 17, 2010 1 comment

Wow, Prince William is getting married! The Beatles are on iTunes! The Republicans have taken over! Sorry, just some SEO (Search Engine Optimization, to the uninitiated) going on there. Jeez, the last post was on October 11. There have been many (3, to be exact) people asking me, “Yo Sean, what happened to the Blog?” Funny that you should ask that. So funny, in fact, that I will take this time to excrete a monumental belly-laugh.

HO-HO-HO, HA-HA-HA!!!!! Heheheheh, lol, rotfl! Hardy-har-har! And………….done.

Well, if you haven’t been informed, I’m writing a book. To be more precise, it’s a self-help book. About how to write a self-help book. Say what?! Yeah that’s right. I’m currently rockin’ out on chapter six. “Oh Sean, you’re so noble, how could you possibly write an ENTIRE book?!” What a fascinating question. Well, I really don’t have an answer to that. But, in the fashion of great authors past, I have taken the time to enlist a scholarly alliance of vagabonds to assist in the editing and formation of my scrupulous tome, so deliciously entitled, The Brain Crust.  Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking, “What the crap is a Brain Crust?” “Hey, why wasn’t I asked to be in the Brain Crust?” and so on.

Well, my friends, quite frankly, the people who have so far been recruited to be in the Brain Crust don’t even know what it is yet. But believe you me, it is something so innovative, so mold-shattering, that only Time itself will reveal the enormity of the implications that this colossal conjunction of intellect will yield. Here is a list of those whose insights I have so far brandished.

-Kent “Tha Thrilla” Milla – He is a teacher in Iowa. I met him in a computer science class in 10th grade. He loves communism.

-J-Char – My former college roomate of four years. Most famous for the quote “I would have no problem shooting a kitten in the face.” Through Facebook, I see that ironically, he now owns a cat. Uh-oh!

-Mikey “Slim” Berry – aka “Sliminy Cricket.” He likes viperfish. A LOT.

-Isaac Halvorson – I have begun referring to him as “my publisher.” It makes me feel important to be able to say, “My publisher sent me a interesting link,” or “My publisher thinks I should be eating more vegetables.”

-Loo Byrd – A Class-A Turd Burglar. A person I hate more than any person on Earth. But, as the old adage goes, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” He’s also really good at piano.

– Rod Smith – My former creative writing teacher. I read whatever he tells me to.

So there you have it.

In the spirit of writing a book, I of course have to undertake a Herculean amount of research. Here is a list of the hell I am currently enduring, in order to be able to properly mock the world of self-help:

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus – John Gray

Awaken the Giant Within – Tony Robbins

Think and Grow Rich – Napoleon Hill

The Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People – Stephen R. Covey

Who Moved My Cheese? – Spencer Johnson

How to Win Friends and Influence People – Dale Carnegie

Undoing Yourself With Energized Meditation and Other Devices – Christopher S. Hyatt (I actually like this one)

This is an incomplete list, with more to be added. If I don’t go insane from all of this, the book may just have a shot at the best-seller list. But probably not.

Blong (Blog Song) of the day. The Books – I Didn’t Know That. Kind of weird. But good.

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