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Posts Tagged ‘Aldi’

The People of Aldi

I just witnessed a man try to short-change a cashier, then ask her out on a date, get rejected, and then apply for a job on the way out. It was a bold series of events. I tried to catch up to him (after I had paid the full amount for my groceries) to ask how he had achieved such extreme levels of confident idiocy, but he, his moustache, and his mullet had already departed, probably to check out the swingin’ singles scene at the Super America up the road.

Top Ten Things That, Uh, Well I Guess This is Just A List of Ten Unrelated Things

Question – What do Britney Spears’ house and the dumpster behind a marshmallow factory have in common?

Answer – They’re both full of white trash!

If you know where I stole that joke from, I would like to be your friend.

Well, here it is, another Top Ten list. But in reality, it’s really just ten random things that I’m throwin’ out there to fill some Blog space.

10. I’ve been thinking of abandoning the YoungCleanLegit moniker. It’s probably time to rip off somebody that’s more popular, like Lady Gaga. What are everyone’s thoughts on changing the name of this Blog to Sir Goo Goo? Or maybe even Mr. Goo Goo. They both have a ring to them.

9. I have in front of me a never-published Blog post where I interview myself. Intellectually stimulating? Of course. A good read for anyone but me? Not so much.

8. I recently had a dream where I was in an old Victorian house with some friends, and there were Mushroom-People with octopus-like tentacles chasing after everyone. And their tentacles had the ability to fractally (if that is a word) split into more tentacles. Everyone in the house was caught and destroyed but me. I escaped and hid on the roof. I’m still trying to figure out the meaning of that one.

7. The next night I dreamt that I was sitting at a table eating macaroni and cheese. That was literally the entire dream. But then the next day I actually ate macaroni and cheese, so I guess my dreams are finally starting to come true.

6. What? There was an American president named Chester Arthur? How have I never heard of him?

5. Have pagers been out of style long enough for it to be funny for me to wear one in an ironic kind of way?

4. Here’s something interesting – Not once, but twice this year, I have bought a group (or is it a “cluster?” or “bunch?”) of bananas from Aldi, only to have them never ripen. Is that weird? The first time it happened, about two months ago, I had them for three weeks, and they stayed green! I even tried eating one, and it tasted just like it looked – an unripened banana. I then threw them away due to fear. Currently, I have another batch that is doing the same thing, going on two and a half weeks, and still green. Is that supposed to happen? Something isn’t right here.

3. Speaking of Aldi, I’m pretty sure the deodorant I bought there is causing some kind of irritation in my armpits. Oh sure, I could sue them, but I don’t have the technology to prove it, and I’m pretty sure they don’t have any money, so what’s the point?

2. Here’s another classic joke – Q. What’s the sexiest farm animal?

A. Brown chicken brown cow!

1. Well, it’s about time for me to be hittin’ the ol’ dusty trail. Tomorrow will probably be the last post of the year.

Blong. Australian Jazz! Just give it listen.

Monday

Knock knock.

What the crap? I wasn’t expecting anyone! Who is it?

Panther.

This is really weird. Panther who?

Panther no pants, I’m goin’ swimmin’!

HAHA!!! YES!! BOOYA!!! The Blog is on FIRE!!!

Thank you to the Henning family of Mounds View for that gem.

Since I really have nothing else of social relavance to talk about, I’ll give y’all an Aldi recap from this morning. 26 items purchased. And the grand total comes to………….$35.53. What is that, like $1.37 per item? And that feeds me for an entire week! Totally worth dealing with the masses of unkempt people tweezing their undershorts out of the aging waxy folds of their scrota. Well, see ya later!

Oh yeah, here’s a Blong.

Categories: Jokes, Random Tags: , , ,

Cogitations

Since I am feeling rather malapert (dictionary word of the day-unbecomingly bold or saucy) today, here are some random thoughts that have been kicking around in my head.

-(Talking in Jerry Seinfeld voice) When people say it’s hot as the dickens in here, what are the dickens, and why are they so hot?

-Here is one of my plans for the summer: I always see all these people outside Twins games with signs that say “need tickets.” Well, one of these days I’m going to go sit at happy hour inside J.D. Hoyt’s for awhile, get plastered, and draw up a bunch of tickets. I will then walk outside, and hand them to someone who needs tickets. They will look down and see that I have written “gun show” on the tickets. By the time they look up, I will be standing topless and flexing in front of them with an outstretched hand saying, “that will be 75 dollars you freak.”

-I hate to keep talking about the gentrification of Aldi, but they done did it again. This time, I saw a guy wearing a somewhat snug Abercrombie shirt in there. Him and his little lady acted like they were on a freaking safari. I could hear them, hiding behind the cheap lawn furniture, whispering to each other- “Oh honey, shhhhh…..look, it’s an immigrant! Here, hold out this 50 dollar bill and maybe he’ll get close enough so we can pet him.” Cutest couple EVER. How I pine for the days when it was just me and some deranged old lady complaining about the tax on marshmallows. We must keep these yuppies out of our grocery stores!

Anyways, that’s all I’ve really got. Here is some Japanese hip-hop. I would really love to learn the language so I could understand, but for now, I’ll just sit back and enjoy the Nintendo-esque beats.

Hey Rich People, Stay Out of Aldi!

Man, I think I ate too much cheese this weekend. Wooo wooo, next stop my thighs right? Anyways, as I made my regular Sunday jaunt to the local super discount grocer Aldi to replentish my cheese supply, my keen eye took notice of something. As I was walking through the parking lot, I noticed a Lexus. That’s weird, those are pretty expensive. Then, two cars later, an Audi. Where am I, Kowalski’s? Then, as I’m crossing the lane in front of the store, I almost get hit by a Jaguar. Thats understandable, because enough driving experience will tell you that rich people with nice cars actually can’t see anyone in a lower tax bracket.  I get cut off by some ass-hat in a BMW at least twice a week. They’re like the T-Rex. If you don’t move, it won’t see you, only with the posh upper class, if you don’t have a maxed-out Roth IRA, you are invisible to them.

Now, I’ve very much come to enjoy shopping with the flea ridden masses of Aldi; the pure entertainment of it. There’s the obese women wearing faux-velvet bodysuits, the white trash wearing overalls with nothing underneath, leaving massive amounts of man-nipple exposed to the public eye, and others who quite possibly floated to this country on a door. It’s a diverse cross-section. The ingredients that comprise the delicious stew that is America.  But I recently saw someone wearing a tie in there. Think about that. I don’t go walking into some hoighty toighty steakhouse wearing my tie dye shirt and flip flops. It’s a fair trade off I think. And guy in the tie was also the same person that took ten minutes to look at literally EVERY banana in the bin, while I creeped in and took the first batch off the top, because if you shop at Aldi as much as I do you obviously know any produce you buy there won’t last more than three days.  So what I’m saying is, Rich People, don’t look on in disgust if the impecunious set comes into your establishment if you are going to come into places like Aldi reeking of your “cologne” and “soap”.  They don’t even sell either of those at Aldi anyways.

Here’s a good blong to get the week rollin. Keeping with the theme of stinky poor people, here’s an oldie by Arrested Development.

Categories: Rant Tags: , , , ,
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