Posts Tagged ‘Apple’

Next Generation Virtual Reality

December 29, 2015 1 comment

Samsung has blown us all away with the release of its Virtual Reality Headset. For only one hundred dollars, you can strap your smart phone an inch away from your eyes, and be launched into alternate dimensions.


You could easily steal this woman’s wallet.

I went ahead and invented the next generation of this technology. For two hundred bucks, I’ll lead you into a forest, where you can pick out any old stump you want. For an extra fifty, I’ll provide an axe and let you chop down a tree of your choosing.



And for the low low price of three hundred dollars, I will bring you to a store, point you in the direction of the furniture department, and allow you to browse through stools and chairs, any of which you can easily purchase.

Then we’ll go to your house, and I will help you place your new Virtual Reality Ass Holder a foot in front of your television. After that, you can sit on it, and lean forward until your nose is nearly touching the screen. Depending on what kind of TV you have, the world in front of you could be over six feet long! Just compare that to the tiny screen of your smart phone. Congratulations, you are now experiencing a digital life separate from your own depressing, tortured existence, and you don’t need to have a thing strapped to your head.

R.I.P. Steve Jobs

Never owned an iPod, iPad, iMac, iPhone, or i-anything, but two of the best games I’ve ever played – Oregon Trail and Number Munchers – were on the old black and green screen Apple computers. Thanks for making that possible, Steve.

Sponsor the Blog!

Hey! Have you guys been out to Walser Nissan down there on Buck Hill Road? They’re practically giving cars away! And the sales staff is just so friendly! And they have a waiting room with donuts in it! As the temperature rises, their prices plummet! Get over their and test drive a Nissan today!

Sorry, I was hoping if I did that maybe I would get a corporate sponsorship or something.  Celebrities do it right?  For a sizeable nominal fee, I would have no qualms whatsoever about slapping some faceless corporation’s logo on this Blog, as long as that corporation is as reputable as Walser Nissan on Buck Hill! Well, I guess they wouldn’t even have to be that reputable. I would be willing to harbor a company that has been mired in a minor scandal of sorts, but nothing too serious.  Maybe some money laundering, fudging the books a bit–that would be tolerable. Anything worse than that I won’t have.  Take Apple for instance, prior to the release of the iPad, they had people at their factory in China killing themselves to escape the sheer exhaustion! And Steve Jobs seems like he isn’t a very nice person. Although they do make a pretty slick computer. Heck, I use one everyday. Alright Apple, you twisted my arm! I’d accept your money for a little slice of space over there on the left side of the page. But nothing worse than that. BP basically destroyed an ocean, and as a nature lover, I am truly disgusted. Although in the coming weeks and months, probably even years, they are undoubtedly going to be looking to revamp their image, and are going to be willing to pay top dollar to do so. Oh BP, I can’t stay mad at you! Get over here you knucklehead! Accidents happen, right? And I wasn’t really planning on traveling down to the Gulf anytime soon anyways. Just keep your rigs out of Minnesota and you’ve got yourself a gosh-darn deal! I’m sure all those oil-saturated sea turtles, fish, and birds won’t even remember this in a few years.  Just like a forest fire is nature’s way of cleaning house, sometimes you just gotta pump a gigantic aquatic ecosystem full of rich, creamy oil. It gets rid of the weaklings.

Other companies/people that I would consider letting sponsor the Blog:

AIG, Enron, Halliburton, Wal-Mart, Rod Blagojevich, and Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon, if he were still alive.

The Blong, by request, is some good ol’ CCR.

Categories: Marketing Tags: , , ,
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