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Ten Things Only People Who Had A Wart On The Side Of Their Left Foot In The Early ’00s Will Understand

1. Mac’n’cheese is the best. Because of what you have lived through, no one will ever understand this quite the way you do!

2. Bacon. Right? LOL!

3. You like the word ‘awesomesauce,’ you call anything without gluten ‘G-free,’ and you greet people by saying ‘Wasabi, kemosabe?’ If you agree with any of the previous sentence, you did not really have a wart on the side of your left foot in the early ’00s. You fell into a trap laid by the superior intellect only a person that had a wart on the left side of their foot in the early ’00s could possess.

4. You have a friend that tried to get a wart just like yours, but during his quest, he ended up getting his foot chomped off by an alligator. And then his entire leg. Followed by his midsection, heart, and head. You watched the entire thing happen, but didn’t do anything, because, well, wart.

5. You enjoy reading lists about warts and wart-related issues.

6. You have taken an online quiz about what city you should really live in, but still live in the city you’ve always lived in.

7. You become irritated when people post lists about having a wart on the bottom of their right foot in the ’90s. Or worse yet, the army of aged husks from the ’60s that yap on and on about how great sac warts were back then. You won’t hear it. These people all suck, because they have not experienced what you have. Having a wart on the side of your left foot in the early ’00s was the quintessential wart-having experience, and anyone that says otherwise has warts that are dumb, and also very, very stupid.

8. You have purchased anti-wart cream.

9. You have shamed, belittled, and badgered anyone who doesn’t believe warts are beautiful, because, after having a wart on your left foot, YOUR opinion is the correct one, and if someone doesn’t share your perception of beauty, they are a body-shaming bully.

10. Overweight people with warts are disgusting.

You Learn Something New Every Day

The phrase “you learn something new every day” really is true. For instance, at about 1:30 this morning I learned two things:

1) My friend Ben shaves his armpits.

2) If you shave your armpits, never, ever, announce it at a party, because you will get made fun of. A lot.

October Is Man Nipple Health Awareness Month

My nipples are my livelihood. Did you know that, in lieu of a lactating woman, a man’s nipple has a placebocratic effect on a hungry infant? Or, when slathered in peanut butter, the masculine teat can provide fun and sustenance for canines? These are just two uses for what many believe to be a vestigial adornment on the male body.

So why Man Nipple Health Awareness Month? Just the other day, Lefty was nearly mangled by the business end of a pitchfork. I escaped with minor abrasions. After many, many erotic soapings followed by even steamier Neosporin applications to the affected area, it got me thinking that I’ve always taken all of the nipples on my body for granted. You never know when circumstances will arise that can tragically rip, scrape, suck, or slice one off. This October, be aware of your nipples, and the rippling influence they have had on your life. Treasure them, dammit. Treasure them.

Artistic rendering of one of my nipples

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