Posts Tagged ‘Black Keys’

I Could Probably Write For “Yachting” Magazine If I Really Wanted To

Since this Blog is very quickly turning into my personal quest to become rich, I went ahead and came up with another idea. I was thumbing through a copy of Yachting, a magazine about boats that rich people utilize to vacation in exotic locales, cheat on their wives, and, this is just a guess, urinate into the ocean from. It features articles written by richer-than-thou men of status talking about Italian-craftsmanship-this, I-winter-in-such-an-exclusive-location-I-can’t-say-the-name-that. This is just another guess, but these guys are probably getting paid pretty good to write these fancy-pants critiques. So I prepared a fictional review to send into the magazine to show them I belong in their ranks, but upon finishing I went to their website only to find that you can’t even get their email address without subscribing to their magazine (the copy I had been originally reading was inaccessible by this point). That, my friends, is a true rich move. So if any of you have connections at that fine periodical, please pass this along.

Symphony of the Seas

I recently had the privilege of setting sail upon what is sure to be this season’s most opulent seafaring vessel – The Symphony of the Seas. Crafted by a reclusive Scandanavian poet-warlord who only emerges from his enigmatic fjord domain once every nine years, Symphony left me speechless. The ship boasts a 10,000 gallon fuel tank, allowing for a liberating travel distance of up to 200 miles before a refill is needed. The sun deck provides ample room for you and your guests to drink scotch and discuss the pressing issues of today’s society, such as illegal immigration, while the three undocumented aliens that come standard with each Symphony clean the hooker blood from the bunks below. Speaking of bunks, Symphony has the largest dwellings of any yacht on the water today. The three bedrooms – each with a private bathroom complete with seperate hooker boudoir – all measure in at an astonishing 500 square feet; unprecedented in the world of yachting – until now. The engine room comes equipped with a dog kennel for the migrant workers to share. The pièce de résistance, though, has to be the fully operational “hooker cannon”, stationed midship. When a hooker’s antics have gotten old, or it say, passes out or “dies”, you will undoubtedly wish it to be gone. Unfortunately, this is one of life’s few problems that won’t go away when it is pelted with a stack of hundred dollar bills. Fortunately, though, it is a problem that free immigrant labor can solve. Simply have one of your confused illegals stuff the body into the canon’s chamber and pull the lever. Now freshen your drink, kick back, and watch that baby fly in a beautiful arc of evidence-erasing flight into the horizon, never to be seen or heard from again. Needless to say, this ceremony is at its most awe-inspiring in the waning crepuscular light. Is this not why we have become rich, ostentatious yacht-owners in the first place? We are the precious few who are able to experience first-hand the joys of promising desperate foreigners 20 cents an hour to clean up bodily fluids for the duration of a three week pleasure-fest, only to have them deported without pay when the voyage is done. Symphony of the Seas provides the perfect backdrop for this debauchery of the high seas to take place. Vivant la bonne!


Here’s the Blong. Black Keys – Goodbye Babylon.

The First Part of the Book, aka “Confluence”

September 16, 2010 1 comment

If you read yesterday’s post, you have heard the news of my as yet untitled self-help book on how to write a self-help book. Here is an excerpt from the beginning portion (there are no “chapters” in this book- just “calibrated lessons” broken down into “quantified learnings”, which will then be subdivided into personal “growth exercises”, with those branching off into “synergistic lectures”, eventually culminating in a blast of “opportunistic stanchions of corporate well-being”). The first “calibrated lesson” is based on a quote from Tony Robbins – “Fundamentals are the key to success.” Well Tony, that is true, and even more truer in the world of self-help books about self-help. Here is the opening “vignette” to my book, simply entitled “Confluence.”

As we all know, fundamentals are the key to success. The same rings true in the world of self-help books, only one must strive to be even more fundamentalier. For every rung climbed on the fundamentalistic ladder, it will increase the fundamentalness of your book.

To truly understand “fundamentals”, we must first understand the intricate nature of the word “fundamental” in its entirety. Let’s break down the word into its core elements. The first part, “Fu”, is perceived in many cultures as a statement of aggression, but here serves as the very bedrock of the word “fundamental.” The next part, “ndame”, does in fact sound like the name of an ancient African warrior, but in this case serves as Pillar #2 of Fundamentals. “Ntal.” Now this last part doesn’t even really sound like a word, but it ties together everything that we have learned about fundamentals thus far. Which is: Fundamentals—->Success—->Synergy—–>and, wait for it………..Confluence! Hey, that’s the title of this part of the book! Ah, confluence. The climax of fundamentals, success, and synergy. A true beauty to behold in all its glory. If you work for a large corporation, you have no doubt heard all of these terms thrown around, and now you can maximize them to their fullest potential.

Now, you see what I did there? The key to penning a successful self-help book is tossing around all these words that actually have nothing to do with anything. But people just seem to eat it up anyways, for fear of looking like they don’t understand just how something like the “confluence of synergy” directly affects them. This is good for the self-help book author, because these pasty office drones are just the type you want to target with your book, because they have the extra scratch and broken dreams to drop on the very book that my book will help you write.

And that is the opening. Here’s some Black Keys.

Categories: Random Tags: , ,

Friday Fun Facts – Random

Hello Internet. I didn’t expunge the mental effort to come up with a theme, so I’m going to throw a bunch of random stuff out there. For instance, here is the Governor of California punching a camel!

-There are 293 different ways to make change for a dollar. So the next time you’re screaming at a nervous, greasy little teenage cashier for his sheer incompetence, be sure to throw that in his face as well.

-And as you continue to heap insults onto that cashier’s fragile sense of self worth, why not call him a waterhead while you’re at it? Because you see, my friends, the brain weighs about three pounds, with all but 10 ounces of it being water.

-As the scrawny little penny-pusher’s eyes inevitibaly begin to water up, you can announce in a very patronizing voice, “Oh, are somebody’s lacrimal glands acting up again?” Because that is the scientific name of tear ducts!

-By this point the cashier will be so strung out by your ruthless onslaught that he may appear to be fumbling with his speech. Perhaps this is a case of lethologica; the state of not being able to remember what word you want to use!

Well I’ll cut it short so you can get out there and start using this knowledge. Here is the new Black Keys video.

Friday Fun Facts Please Wash Your Hands Edition

We are back for another Friday Fun Facts Edition, this time with sanitary issues at hand.  Going out in public can be a risk, you could get hit by a bus, mugged, or…………….unknowingly touch someone’s penis? Whaaa? I did some hard hitting journalism to scrounge up these facts about how dirty, disgusting, and just plain inconsiderate humans are.

-The average American will consume about 12 pubic hairs in their fast food meals per year. One way to avoid this is by not eating fast food. Or everyone could just get rid of their pubes.

-Through contact with door knobs, counter tops, and other daily objects your hands will come in contact with about 15 unique penises per day. I am using a public computer right now, and am seriously debating on whether or not I should keep typing. This thing is probably man dick central.

-I read one that said you will shake hands with about 6 people a year who had recently masturbated and not washed their hands when they were done. However, I am not sure how they actually gather this information. Did some guy just walk around for a year, shaking people’s hands, and then asking “That’s a real firm handshake you got there Bob, did you just burp the baby?” And then six people actually said yes?

-After swimming in a public pool for an hour, you will have ingested about 1/10 of a liter of other people’s (or your own) urine.

-House flies excrete waste about every 4.5 minutes. Nothing more needs to be said about that.

Well I’m going to go wash my entire body and possibly throw up a little.  Here’s a good blong of the day. It’s the Black Keys and their hip hop project, Blakroc. This song is pretty awesome.

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