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A Tribute to the Fallen

Man this health care business is really ruffling some feathers huh? I’ve never seen so many angry white people in all my days. But that is neither here nor there. My apologies to Dustin S. of Bloomington, who had sent in a request for today’s Friday Fun Facts Edition. Due to a unexpected tragedy that occured on U.S. Interstate 35 on Wednesday morning, the fun and games will have to be put on hold until next Friday.

This eulogy goes out to the turkey that I absolutely destroyed with the Altima two days ago.

This is a deeply sad occasion, but let us not mourn, but celebrate the life of this once majestic beast.  Now, I never actually knew Reginald, or even took the time to find out if his name actually was Reginald, but after chatting with his friends and relatives I feel like we have been best buds for decades. I feel awkward delivering this eulogy, since I technically “killed” Reginald, but since I was also the last person to see him alive, I figured I should offer up some encouraging words.

Reginald and I were never close, but I feel that in a alternate universe things would have been different.  Sure, I clipped him doing 75 down the freeway, effectively rendering him lifeless, but if he were still here I’m sure we would laugh for hours about it over a tall, cool, Miller Lite at Reginald’s old watering hole.  If I close my eyes I can almost hear the jovial banter that would have taken place between us.

Reginald, you were a noble breed, and very stupid for running in front of a car, but noble nonetheless.  The echoes of your incessant gobbling will forever reverberate throughout the flaxen expanse of the plains that you once inhabited.  I know it was your dream to one day be pardoned by President Obama in a distinguished Thanksgiving ceremony on the celebrated lawns of our nation’s last vestige of freedom, the White House. Now that day will never come, as you are most likely being picked clean by a wild pack of vagrants as we speak.  Thus is life, so many Americans cast their gaze upon that which is unattainable.  As my main man Kurt Vonnegut would say, “So it goes.”

This song goes out to you Reginald. It says so many things that I cannot.

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