Things Only Nine-Fingered Gluten-Free People Will Understand

—->you once stuck your finger in a carny’s mouth because you didn’t think he had any teeth

—->you once dug around in a carny’s mouth searching for a finger

—->you once punched a carny in the face until his teeth fell out

—->you once used a broken beer bottle to slice open the stomach of a toothless carny

—->you once brought your own nibbled-up, chewing tobacco and stomach juice-soaked finger to the hospital, where you were told it could not be reattached

—->you once were in a hospital examination room, looking at the stump that used to be your left pointer finger, while a doctor told you that you were morbidly obese

—->now you’re gluten free, because that will help, just like Atkins, essential oils, watching Dr. Phil, owning one eight pound dumbbell, and taking the top part of the bun off your Arby’s roast beef sandwich did.

Ten Things Only People Who Had A Wart On The Side Of Their Left Foot In The Early ’00s Will Understand

1. Mac’n’cheese is the best. Because of what you have lived through, no one will ever understand this quite the way you do!

2. Bacon. Right? LOL!

3. You like the word ‘awesomesauce,’ you call anything without gluten ‘G-free,’ and you greet people by saying ‘Wasabi, kemosabe?’ If you agree with any of the previous sentence, you did not really have a wart on the side of your left foot in the early ’00s. You fell into a trap laid by the superior intellect only a person that had a wart on the left side of their foot in the early ’00s could possess.

4. You have a friend that tried to get a wart just like yours, but during his quest, he ended up getting his foot chomped off by an alligator. And then his entire leg. Followed by his midsection, heart, and head. You watched the entire thing happen, but didn’t do anything, because, well, wart.

5. You enjoy reading lists about warts and wart-related issues.

6. You have taken an online quiz about what city you should really live in, but still live in the city you’ve always lived in.

7. You become irritated when people post lists about having a wart on the bottom of their right foot in the ’90s. Or worse yet, the army of aged husks from the ’60s that yap on and on about how great sac warts were back then. You won’t hear it. These people all suck, because they have not experienced what you have. Having a wart on the side of your left foot in the early ’00s was the quintessential wart-having experience, and anyone that says otherwise has warts that are dumb, and also very, very stupid.

8. You have purchased anti-wart cream.

9. You have shamed, belittled, and badgered anyone who doesn’t believe warts are beautiful, because, after having a wart on your left foot, YOUR opinion is the correct one, and if someone doesn’t share your perception of beauty, they are a body-shaming bully.

10. Overweight people with warts are disgusting.

Ten Things People Love About Lists

1: You love lists. This is a list.

2: You can share this list on Facebook, or Twitter, or Tumblr, to let everyone know that you have read a list, and that you want them to read the same list.

3: This list connects with you in some deep way, it confirms a belief you hold, or it talks about your childhood. It really does.

4: You would someday like to make a list of your own, but this list listed all the things you could ever dream of listing. Now you have more free time to read lists.

5: After you say ‘list’ a lot, it begins to sound like it’s not really a word.

6: If there were a top ten list of the top ten lists, this list would be included.

7: This top ten list is unique in that it only contains seven items.