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Posts Tagged ‘chili’

Conspiracy Theory: Are Hormel And Hanes In Cahoots?

Have Hanes and the Hormel Foods Corporation been secretly in cahoots with one another? It looks as though the seemingly disparate industries have no plausible reason to cross paths. Well, looks like I prematurely shot my wad and based the whole premise of this article on some brash assumptions that had no basis in actual fact. Sorry to have wasted your time.

Oh wait, there is one point I forgot to make. Let’s take a quick look at both companies.

Hanes: An apparel company well-known for their socks, T-shirts, and undergarments.

Hormel: Producer of SPAM, Dinty Moore, and a variety of other foods, most notably Hormel Chili. I have an extremely hot tip from a trusted culinary insider that the meat used in this chili is just “good enough” to not be made into dog food. Interesting. Low-grade meat is notorious for its blindingly quick layover in the human digestive system. More notorious yet is its even hastier, comically-explosive-bat-out-of-hades escape from that digestive system.

Do you see the link? Why else would the nutritionally bankrupt products of Hormel be kept on shelves, unless they were serving a higher, more sinister purpose than simply gratifying the quivering gullets of the drunk, the poor, and the drunk poor? Picture the stereotypical consumer of a can of Hormel Chili — it’s a grizzled man in a beater and tighty-whities, shoveling that slop into his mouth like an immigrant coal stoker in the boiler room of an early 1900’s cruise ship.

I posit that Hormel is a multi-tiered puppet enterprise of Hanes, who is using the constant onslaught of almost-dog food blemished shirts and soiled underpants to create sales in an impoverished demographic that would under any other conditions hang on to their clothes if they weren’t covered in revolting meat stains and fecal matter.

Before you go out and buy that next pack of private delicates or can of lubricated swill, remember: you are a mere pawn in a high stakes game benefitting an over-paid fat cat who wants you to sit on your couch and sh*t your pants.

Investigation in process: is the upholstery industry a fringe benefactor of the Hormel/Hanes conglomerate?

Cocktail Weens and Beans, With a Transition Into Some Sort of Chili

For the nine people who read yesterday’s post, here is the exciting conclusion to what it is that I actually ate, and this one comes with a bonus! In a first for the Blog, I will share with you one recipe, and then through some fancy culinary footwork, we will utilize the elements of the first recipe, thus giving birth to a second baby of comestible delight! Hazaa! Exclamation point!

Here is the recipe for Weens and Beans. Gather the following items:

-Two packages of cocktail weenies

-One can of chili beans

Do you see why it’s called Weens and Beans? I’ll tell you. I have taken the word “weenies” and simply shortened it to “weens,” so that it could correctly rhyme with the word “beans.” As an alternative, you could go with “Weenies and Beanies.” I would suggest doing that, if you want to look like an absolute turd. Let’s continue. Here are the final items that you will need:

-A 12 ounce bottle of chili sauce

-One cup of grape jelly

-A song in your heart, and a poem in your pocket

Just toss that all into the crockpot, and let it cook on low for a few hours. Then it will taste really good.

After serving it to my family at Thanksgiving, and finishing the remaining weens and beans at home, I couldn’t help but notice that there was still a fair amount of sauce left in the pot. Having been raised to not let something like this go to waste, my mind immediately began to scheme, plot, and theorize. I then went to Aldi and purchased the following items:

-Chicken

-Onions

-Another can of chili beans

I added that all into the pot, and in a moment of innovation, decided that maybe a healthy squirt of mustard, a dash of steak sauce, and some garlic powder that I already had on hand could really elevate this thing to heights unimagined, even to me. And then, the memory of a Food Channel program I had seen some time ago crept into my head. I reached into the cupboard, and heeding the advice of television, added a spoonful of peanut butter! I gotta say, it really tightened up the mix. I let all that stew for a few hours, and then I ate it. And it was really, really, really, really good. Really.

Blong. Another lesser-known, yet very relaxing tune.

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