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Sean Hannity Enjoys Photograph Of Erect Nuclear Missile

January 16, 2013 1 comment

Sean Hannity loves a lot of things. America. Conservative values. Straight people. White people. White people who are straight, conservative, and American. During a recent interview intended to cover the ramifications of Barack Obama’s re-election, his mind seemed trained on a new muse—a framed photograph of a nuclear missile, standing upright, ready for takeoff.

“I can’t stress enough how much trouble this nation is in. The left is pushing their radical agen—wow, just look at this thing,” the nationally syndicated homophobe said as he clutched the photo.

“This missile is the embodiment of the principles America was built on—it’s tough, it’s thick-skinned, it doesn’t take no for an answer. I know if I had one pointed at me, my heart would skip a beat, my knees would weaken, my penis would become slightly turgid—out of respect—and I would submit to its every whim,” Hannity went on. “That’s why we simply can’t spend enough on defense. We need one of these trained on every one of our rival nations. Our enemies—we seem to be making more and more every day—need to be aware that if they mess with us, they will be getting a big ol’ nuclear load of America right between the eyes.”

When pressed to stick to election issues, Hannity continued:

“And the engineering behind it! Whoever designed this got it exactly right. A perfect proportion of length to girth. Enough power to survive a long ride to its destination. And, once it reaches that destination, the right amount of juice to create a massive explosion of American man-power right in the enemy’s face. Ugghhoohh,” he continued as his eyes rolled back and his tongue ran around the “O” formed by his lips. “Oooooohhhh, yes, aaahhhhh. Mmmmm.

At this point, Hannity excused himself to take a restroom break. As he was almost to his office door, he quickly doubled back to grab the photo. “Reading material,” he said with a wink.

He returned 15 minutes later, perspiring, short of breath, and visibly more relaxed.

“Okay, now where were we? Ah yes, Obama. Prepare for another four years of broken promises, reckless spending, and, and, OH GOD, CAN’T WE JUST FIRE ONE OFF, TO MAKE SURE THEY WORK!?!?! Nobody would miss Kenya, except you-know-who, right? Or San Francisco? C’mon! Let’s go!”

Hannity then stood up, and dashed off towards the cafeteria mumbling something about a meal of hot dogs and bananas, with popsicles for dessert.

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