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My CougarLife.com Profile

Over the weekend, my friend suggested that I start a profile on the wildly popular dating site CougarLife.com. Here’s what I’ve got so far.

About Catluvr69:

What up aged felines! I’m just what the veterinarian ordered. I’m a kitten that likes to scratch, but I can’t, because I have extremely well-manicured fingernails. Yeah that’s hot. I’m like a hit of that sweet catnip, but without the catnip, because you’re mature, and don’t put up with buffoonery like that anymore. Want more? Here it comes. I would like to take you out to a nice steak dinner, but I won’t, because I’m sure since you’ve been alive for so many years some dirtbag has probably tried to get in your pants that way already. I’m really smart like that. And at your age you should really be watching your red meat intake. And I also probably wouldn’t be able to pay for it. But I think we should go anyways, because I don’t really ever get to eat expensive food, and you’re probably getting social security or pension checks, right? I promise if you pay for dinner I’ll “accidentally” drop my keys in front of you and then bend over for longer than necessary to pick them up. Please? No? How about this. We can go over to my parents’ house, and you can all talk about the 60’s or something. Blumenkraft! That’s German for “Flower Power.” I know some German. Anyways, it’s only an hour and a half drive out there. You can buy the gas since I’ll be driving. When we get back into town, we can fire up a Matlock marathon until around 6, or whenever it is you go to bed. Or maybe you could nap in the car? We’ll have to watch it at your place because I don’t have cable, and I also live on the third floor of an apartment building with no elevators, so going up all those stairs would wreak havoc on your brittle old bones. That’s a good thing about me, I’m always thinking of ways to take care of my women. And I don’t want you be out of range in case we have to use your LifeCall® Alert Service. Because believe me, my little lioness, you’re going to need it! Once Matlock gets going in the courtroom and you’re reenacting the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial for me I guarantee your heart will be dangerously aflutter! Or does your pacemaker stop that from happening? No no, wait, don’t tell me! We’re going to need something to talk about on our second date! Speaking of second dates, I was thinking we could tour some local retirement homes, if you aren’t already living in one. It’s never too early to plan for these things. See, I’m helpful too. And leave your social security money at home this time, because I’m sure we could get a free meal as part of the tour. A lot of places do that. With the money you save, you can give your great-grandson an extra five bucks for his birthday. After that I’d suggest we go and meet your parents, but there’s no way they’re still alive, is there? Because if you’re as old as you are, they’d have to be well into their 100’s, right? We don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to. I like to give my ladies choices. Really old people creep me out anyways. But not you. Well, I’m gonna cut this off before I start babbling. It’s just one of many things that you’re going to find really cute about me.

Here’s the Blong (Blog Song) of the day. This goes out to all the cougars out there. Tommy Dorsey Orchestra – Song of India.

 

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