Things I Learned From “Scoremanship” by Frank Gray

Title: Scoremanship

Author: Frank Gray

Published: 1969, Bantam Books

Here are some things I learned from this book.

-A quote on how the “Distraction Technique” works:

“Tell her, ‘I’d like to treat you to the world’s best food by cooking dinner for us at my place tonight. What would you rather have—spaghetti or lasagna?’ By making her decide which she prefers, you have caused her, automatically, to agree to come to your apartment—which was what you were after in the first place.”

What I learned: When a woman is presented with a choice between spaghetti or lasagna, saying “neither” is in no way an option. Women are incredibly easy to fool, and can be tricked into going on a date with you.

-On how to pick up a woman in an elevator:

“As she gets out, follow her…..If you are courteous, she will be flattered…..Invite her to have a drink with you…..Girls love the idea that a man wants to talk to them. Chances are she will give you her phone number.”

What I learned: Stalking a woman on or near an elevator will not creep her out. I think it also helps if you stand behind her, occasionally leaning in for a sniff, and collecting stray hairs off of her head and clothes. When she inevitably comes back to your place, she will be impressed that you took the time to craft a hair doll in her likeness.

-A section entitled “Probing” offers this:

“If, by chance, when you take her hand, she pulls it away or gives you the feeling that you’re rushing the situation, cool it for awhile; then, of course, start again.”

What I learned: No means yes.

-When you’ve got her at your place:

“If she says, ‘I want children and a white house with a picket fence,’ that’s what you want. If she says, ‘I want to be a swinger and don’t want to get to bed until two and I don’t want kids right away,’ that’s what you want.”

What I learned: Don’t be yourself. Women hate you.

I Will Fill The Gaping Void That Dear Abby’s Death Has Created

It has been a week since Abigail Van Buren’s death. In tribute, I have begun doling out advice to the throbbing masses of lost souls who need a lodestar in their bleak, confusing lives.

Dear Blog: Last month, I spilled some delicious Peanut Butter Sauce on my bare stomach while watching All My Children. Before I had a chance to wipe it up, my dog swooped in and ever so slowly, licked it up. I think I liked that. Are my dog and I dating now? Help!

Confused And Possibly Dating A Dog In Wisconsin

Dear Confused: First off, Peanut Butter Sauce IS delicious! I love the stuff. And yes, you are dating your dog. Maybe go talk to someone, a psychiatrist perhaps, face-to-face, instead of using the vast anonymity of the internet to cloak your depraved experiments with your pets.

My Three-Year-Old Nephew Has An Eight-Year-Old Girlfriend

He may not know her name, and we aren’t sure if the girl in question is aware of the fact that they’re dating, but little Gavi-Shenanigans is in his mind officially dating a girl nearly three times as old as he is. All we know is that she’s petite, and, given her age, still very vivacious—I can really do nothing but respect Baby G for taming the Cougar. This is the equivalent of me dating a woman in her mid-eighties, which is a quest I have recently been looking into.

My CougarLife.com Profile

Over the weekend, my friend suggested that I start a profile on the wildly popular dating site CougarLife.com. Here’s what I’ve got so far.

About Catluvr69:

What up aged felines! I’m just what the veterinarian ordered. I’m a kitten that likes to scratch, but I can’t, because I have extremely well-manicured fingernails. Yeah that’s hot. I’m like a hit of that sweet catnip, but without the catnip, because you’re mature, and don’t put up with buffoonery like that anymore. Want more? Here it comes. I would like to take you out to a nice steak dinner, but I won’t, because I’m sure since you’ve been alive for so many years some dirtbag has probably tried to get in your pants that way already. I’m really smart like that. And at your age you should really be watching your red meat intake. And I also probably wouldn’t be able to pay for it. But I think we should go anyways, because I don’t really ever get to eat expensive food, and you’re probably getting social security or pension checks, right? I promise if you pay for dinner I’ll “accidentally” drop my keys in front of you and then bend over for longer than necessary to pick them up. Please? No? How about this. We can go over to my parents’ house, and you can all talk about the 60’s or something. Blumenkraft! That’s German for “Flower Power.” I know some German. Anyways, it’s only an hour and a half drive out there. You can buy the gas since I’ll be driving. When we get back into town, we can fire up a Matlock marathon until around 6, or whenever it is you go to bed. Or maybe you could nap in the car? We’ll have to watch it at your place because I don’t have cable, and I also live on the third floor of an apartment building with no elevators, so going up all those stairs would wreak havoc on your brittle old bones. That’s a good thing about me, I’m always thinking of ways to take care of my women. And I don’t want you be out of range in case we have to use your LifeCall® Alert Service. Because believe me, my little lioness, you’re going to need it! Once Matlock gets going in the courtroom and you’re reenacting the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” commercial for me I guarantee your heart will be dangerously aflutter! Or does your pacemaker stop that from happening? No no, wait, don’t tell me! We’re going to need something to talk about on our second date! Speaking of second dates, I was thinking we could tour some local retirement homes, if you aren’t already living in one. It’s never too early to plan for these things. See, I’m helpful too. And leave your social security money at home this time, because I’m sure we could get a free meal as part of the tour. A lot of places do that. With the money you save, you can give your great-grandson an extra five bucks for his birthday. After that I’d suggest we go and meet your parents, but there’s no way they’re still alive, is there? Because if you’re as old as you are, they’d have to be well into their 100’s, right? We don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to. I like to give my ladies choices. Really old people creep me out anyways. But not you. Well, I’m gonna cut this off before I start babbling. It’s just one of many things that you’re going to find really cute about me.

Here’s the Blong (Blog Song) of the day. This goes out to all the cougars out there. Tommy Dorsey Orchestra – Song of India.