Archive

Posts Tagged ‘Deep Thoughts’

Shallow Thoughts

American ‘cheese’ is to the coagulated milk world as hot dogs are to the meat world. But what the hell do I know, I’m just a guy that wipes too hard.

Grooooooooooooss. Image taken from shittyfood.net

 

Some Thoughts On The Film ‘Superbad’

December 20, 2012 1 comment

Who did all the penis drawings? It’s a very odd job to have to set up. How long did it take to illustrate all those? Was it one person, or did everyone on the crew draw one up over the course of production? And if it was just one person, how much did he or she get paid? Did they contract it out, or did the producers have a specific artist in mind? Does the artist tell his/her family and friends, “Hey, if you ever see Superbad, I did all the penis drawings,” or not tell anyone?

If you know the answers to any of these questions, please, let me know.

Striking Similarities Between Schrodinger’s Cat, Dave Dahl’s Old House, And The Sexuality Of Hermaphrodites

Case Study #1: There exists in the world of quantum mechanics a thought experiment (composed by Erwin Schrödinger) that goes something like this:

A (hypothetical) cat is caged up in a steel box for an hour. Within the box, safe from any tampering from the cat, is a Geiger counter with a small amount of radioactive substance. There is an equal chance that one of the radioactive atoms may or may not decay over the course of the hour. If decay does occur, it sets off a series of events that explodes a flask of acid, killing the cat. If none of the radioactive atoms decay, the cat lives.

One of the aspects of this experiment, aptly named Schrödinger’s Cat, is used to show that, while in the box, we have to assume that the cat is simultaneously dead and alive, until the box is opened.

Case Study #2: A friend of mine recently moved into a townhouse complex where acclaimed meteorologist Dave Dahl is known to have lived in the early ’90’s. It is unknown to us some two decades later which unit he actually resided in; only that it was one out of the many homes in the neighborhood.

Screaming, drunken arguments take place over this topic, in the very townhouse that may or may not have been lived in by Dave Dahl: I’m sitting at the counter shouting “YOU HAVE NO F$%^ING PROOF THAT HE LIVED IN HERE,” while my friend tries to drown me out with “YOU HAVE NO F&*$ING PROOF THAT HE DIDN’T,” while the neighbor next door assures his wife, “Don’t worry honey, they’re just arguing about Dahl again.”

A hearty touché goes out to both sides of the argument on that one. Until Dave Dahl himself is contacted, we must assume that Dave Dahl both lived in and didn’t live in that house. (I still maintain that Double-D would refuse to live in a poorly-lit center unit, when a man of his income and prestige in the media could easily afford to secure an end unit with more windows and thus a clearer view of the sky, something that I think a meteorologist would want for his dwelling. Unbeknownst to the current residents, I have been collecting hair samples from every nook and cranny of the place, and holding them up to Google Images of Dave Dahl circa 1990-1994 to see if they match in hue, tone, and “splendor.” No matches yet.).

Case Study #3: The hermaphrodite, owners of not one, but two private sexual zones, are perhaps the most flummoxing of all. While having the properties of both males and females, we come to the inevitable question: if a hermaphrodite is attracted to a male (or female, for that matter), is it heterosexual or homosexual? Much like the cat in the box and Dave Dahl’s supposed house, the herm must be assumed to be simultaneously in two states: hetero and homosexuality. But we can always open the box and see if the cat died or not, and find someone with a Rolodex deep enough to contact Dave Dahl about his rental history. Herms are up in the air for life.

It’s one of those rare questions we’ll never be able to answer, like what would have happened in Back to the Future if Marty McFly actually had wiped out his own existence? How could he have traveled back in time to prevent himself from being born if he had never been born?

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

December 14, 2010 2 comments

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.” -Jack Handey

Here are my favorite “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey. If you don’t know who that is, well, you are a sad, sorry shell of a human. Here’s his website: http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/

“A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”

“Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?”

“As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.”

“Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.”

“Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

“I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.”

“I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

“I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.”

“I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo! I’d have all my money back.”

“I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.”

“I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.”

“If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.”

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”

“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.”

“If you’re having a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”

“It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, “You can’t throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.” Sure they eat fish, if that’s all you give them. Man, wise up.”

“It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.”

“Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.”

“Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it’s head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.”

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

“The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll standup and go, “Hey, I’m Vine Man.”

“There are many stages to a man’s life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then “skinned.” I’m not sure what the fourth stage is.”

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”

“To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?”, you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

“We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.”

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

“When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”

“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.”

“Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?”

%d bloggers like this: