How To Translate Rap Lyrics

Ah, rap music – nothing but a feckless, dime-a-dozen street-walking delinquent spouting off nonsense into a cheap microphone. What social value could this music possibly bring to the community? None. None value is the answer. Yet, upon deeper review, the message of the music can be lost in the quirky colloquialisms used by rappers who have been brought up in a variety of different regions and cultures. I will now attempt to decipher some “bars” by a few popular rap artists, in order to find out what they are really trying to tell us.

This art was crafted by me in Microsoft Paint.

Lyric: “Rap ain’t about bustin’ caps and f****n’ b*****s, it’s about fluency and rhyming ingenuity.” -Del the Funky Homosapien of the group Hieroglyphics, from the song At the Helm

Translation: “This musical genre is not intended to be about the reckless use of firearms and holding sexual congress with numerous women. We all must never forget that the cornerstone of crafting a respectable ballad is having a strong command of the English language, which includes possessing a diverse vocabulary, and having the cognitive wherewithal to put that diverse vocabulary to good use by finding new, innovative ways to make words work with each other.”

Lyric: “I want to get hiiiiiiiiigh, sooo hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.” -B-Real of Cypress Hill, from I Wanna Get High

Translation: “I would very much like to ingest an illegal substance, preferably tetrahydrocannabinol, to alter my state of mind. I do this from time to time to alleviate the vexations of stress, depression, and anxiety, but I also do it to bond with others at social gatherings during the weekend.”

Lyric: “I like big butts and I cannot lie.” -Sir Mix-A-Lot, Baby Got Back

Translation: “I favor a gluteus maximus with a large amount of cellulite. I am being completely and utterly honest.”

Lyric: “I bomb atomically, Socrates’ philosophies and hypotheses can’t define how I be droppin’ these mockeries.” -Inspectah Deck of Wu-Tang Clan, from Triumph

Translation: “I am utilizing these hyperbolic military and philosophical metaphors in order to prove that one would be hard-pressed to understand how I have developed such a streamlined system to boast about my poetic prowess.”

Lyric: “I never thought it could happen, this rappin’ stuff, I was too used to packin’ gats and stuff, now honeys play me close like butter played toast.” -Notorious B.I.G., from Juicy

Translation: “Who would have thought that I could forge a career in the music industry, with such a dubious background involving guns and other reprehensible items? Now beautiful women stay near me at all times.”

Lyric: “Change? S**t. I guess change is good for any of us. Whatever it take for any of y’all n****z to get up out the hood. S**t, I’m wit cha, I ain’t mad at cha.” -Tupac, I Ain’t Mad At Cha

Translation: “Alterations? Sheesh. They can be a positive force in our lives. Anything that can help young African Americans find a better life in an affluent neighborhood, I’m all for that. I will not think less of you for pursuing an honorable lifestyle.”

Lyric: “Don’t make me wake this baby, she don’t need to see what I’m about to do, quit crying b***h, why do you always make me shout at you?” -Eminem, Kim

Translation: “It is important that our child does not see that I am about to murder you. Why must you cause a scene, therefore resulting in me having to raise my voice to inappropriate levels?”

Lyric: “My main thug n***a named Julio he moodio, type of n***a that’ll slap you with the toolio, b***h n***a scared to death ask fruity-o, f**k that look at shorty she a little cutie-o, the way she shake it make me want to get all in the booty yo.” Busta Rhymes, Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See

Translation: “My best friend Julio has temperamental issues. It is best to not disturb him at this time, or he may act out, aggressively if necessary. Hey wait, look at that woman over there! The manner in which she is dancing makes me want to engage in consensual intercourse with her.”

And there you have it. Here’s the Blong (Blog song). Aesop Rock – None Shall Pass. The sweet irony being that it is a rap music tune in which I have no idea what he is talking about.

The Abandoned Soldier

Yesterday, as I was preparing to record Freemont, Nebraska’s #1 rapper, (The FDA is officially on his ass for having rhymes that are too raw. He’s going to give someone salmonella!) I came across a disturbing image. You see, I was preparing to perform a routine urination, when I noticed something peeking up from the tepid waters of the porcelain depositry.  “Oh, looks like someone forgot to flush!” I thought to myself. Understandable I guess. Yet upon further investigation, one inherent blemish emerged in this otherwise open-and-shut case. The floater was alone in the toilet. Not even a trace of toilet paper was present. Now, this could have arisen from many unique scenarios. I will present my findings with the following numbered list.

1. Perhaps we have a member of the student body who has a summer job as one of those people who re-enacts the Revolutionary War, and is so totally immersed in the character, that he rejects any technological advances that were birthed after the 1700’s. Perplexed by the advent of modern-day plumbing, he snatched his musket and dashed off into the night. But then again I guess he wouldn’t be using a toilet if that were the case.

2. An event so urgent, so drenched in immediacy, so incredibly momentous occured that the father of the floater had no choice but to vacate the premises so hastily that even an extra second spent doing the rest of us a favor was an afterthought.

3. As the case may be, inter-dimensional travel really is possible, and this stinky gift was sent here by our friends on Snearth.

4. Maybe the person actually did just forget to flush. And wipe. And probably wash his hands. He probably doesn’t really shower all that much either.

5. The non-flush may presumably be one of those confusing new fads, like skinny jeans. In fact, maybe the intricate balance of heat, tightness, and leftover fecal matter in the trousers of these less-than-impeccable primpers has resulted in the formation of some kind of precious stone. The entire alchemy of it fills me with wonder and hope.

Anyways, today’s Blong (Blog Song) of the day addresses a rare topic in rap music–personal hygiene. It’s Del The Funky Homosapien (also spelled Del Tha Funkee Homosapien), with “If You Must.”