Posts Tagged ‘exercise’

A New Workout Craze

Latest moneymaking scheme:

Create an infomercial, to be aired late at night. The product: a workout system for alcoholics.

The alcoholics then order the system while they are schnockered, with no recollection of having done so. The purchase will be reflected on their bank statements as ‘Alcohol Store.’

Eight to ten business days later: the alcoholic receives a package in the mail, informing them they have won a free prize—a hot, chiseled body.

The alcoholic, in its drunken state, will be horny, and want to possess a hot, chiseled body, so that it will attract people that like hot, chiseled bodies.

The package contains several videos, none of which name my company.

The first video instructs the alcoholic to hit pause, and get black-out drunk, then proceed with the program—a ploy that will work perfectly, because alcoholics, by their very nature, love to get black-out-drunk.

Once the alcoholic is black-out drunk, the video descends into a parade of nothing, basically—footage of cats playing with yarn, black and white photos of weddings that occurred in the 1930s, spliced with actual workout scenes, in the event that the alcoholic experiences a moment of coherence.

The VHS tapes will be engineered to unspool after 30 minutes of viewing. The DVDs also have a built-in destruction mechanism: they look like coasters. After repeated poundings from Steel Reserve tall boys, those discs will be useless within the week. The tapes and discs are thrown away and soon forgotten.

Since they are under the impression that the videos were a free prize, and the only record of any purchases are attributed to the ‘Alcohol Store,’ as the infomercials continue to air, money continues to flow down from the alcoholic to me, in a textbook case of the trickle-down economy in action. And it’s good for the alcoholic: the more times they purchase my system, the less money they will have to abuse alcohol.

Fartlek Training

From the Swedish, meaning “speed play,” fartlek is a method of exercise using bursts of intense physical effort, followed by a period of laid-back, more relaxing work.


Kegels for Men

Running and Z90x aren’t all fun and games (read about those here and here). At some point in this frenzy of activity, I have developed a hip ailment. In a quest to find out how this could have happened, I consulted my sister, who also happens to be a master misogynist, that is, massage therapist. After I gave her a brief rundown of what I have been up to, she provided me with a diagnosis. I tend to drift in and out of attention when people are talking, but here is what I took from the talk:

It all begins with the biggest muscle in the hip, the tessimal flaximus, more commonly known as the hippochondriatic flexor. That of course connects everything below the hip to the upper trunk of the body’s core. The interplay betwixt these anatomical dancers is an intricate tango that is meant for two. Metaphorically speaking, if you were to introduce an obnoxious, drunk guy in a leisure suit (in this case the jarring impact of jogging) who trys to join in the fun, that makes three, and any semblance of cooperation can be kissed goodbye. A fistfight may even ensue. According to my sister, the bounce of running has created a rift between my flaximus and upper core, originating from the lack of strength and support from my gluteal muscles. So, to put it in layman’s terms, my a** isn’t pulling its weight around here.

It was suggested that the gluteus maximus be strengthened. It brought this to mind:

I began to think of ways to strengthen my back end. And, lo and behold, the answer was right in front of my face. I have been reading the book I Am America (And So Can You) by Stephen Colbert, and coincidentally just finished the section where he discusses the concept of Kegels. If you’re not familiar with this, it’s an exercise named after Dr. Arnold Kegel that the ladyfolk use to work their, ahem, more delicate parts. I’m just going to assume that this can be applied to my buttocks. A few minutes a couple times a day, and my bottom will soon bring to mind a fresh, firm Georgia peach. I’ll be Kegelin’ with the best of ’em. Matter of fact, as I type this, I already am.

*2 Week Anniversary Edition*

February 24, 2010 5 comments

Was listening to the Wilhelm Scream album “Ruiner” today. Makes me want to crank the volume to the max while speeding down the highway screaming in my 20’s gangster voice “YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME COPPAH!!! DADADADADA <— (thats a tommy gun blaring)I ROBBED THAT BANK FAIR AND SQUARE SEE?!!! DADADADADA. But being the law abiding citizen that I am, this is obviously not a viable option. Well the blog is almost two weeks old. What a long strange trip it has been.  A celebration will be taking place this Saturday at 5pm. Well it’s actually my Great Aunt Lenore’s 70th birthday party, but I’ll see if I can’t swing the momentum of the gathering in my favor.

-On a side note, wilhelm scream is also the name of a stock audio recording that has been used in hundreds of movies. I thought that might be interesting to all you IPRers? IPRians?IPRites? IPR students out there.

-There was minor dissatisfaction among the the blog groupies, or Bloupies as I call them (I think that might actually be stolen from Arrested Development), last week on two issues. Dan was really hoping to hear the secrets of my workout regimen. As I stated, there is just too much to cover, but I can reveal that it involves a large amount of screaming, sweating, vomiting (not the bulimic kind), and even a little crying. So Dan, if you aren’t getting those results, you are doing it wrong.

-The Bloupies also demanded to know what I keep in my car. Well, nothing much. My Transformers water bottle, gym shoes of course, some CDs, and my beloved St. John’s Bay golfing jacket. I also noticed today that a copy of “Cat’s Cradle” by Kurt Vonnegut was laying on the seat.

-Those of you pulled in by the alluring expose’ on the Pawlenty administration, I must apologize. My research on the readership of the blog has shown that the Bloupies enjoy watching rich people be naughty, and the Governor of the state of Minnesota was simply a scapegoat. I’m sure he is a very nice person. Plus I think my Dad met him one time.

Well, the fridge door is shut, the eggs are coolin’, and the jello is a-jigglin’. Thanks for reading.


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