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I Changed My Facebook Profile Pic To The French Flag, And Things Are Getting Better Already

As you’ve probably noticed, my Facebook profile picture now has a vague blue, white and red shade over it. Why? Well, it’s just one of the many things I’m doing that is helping heal the world. Like back in June, when I saw that everyone was changing their profile pics to rainbows. I thought it was because summer was starting, and I also like rainbows, so I did it too. Turns out it was for gay marriage. Whoops. It was a happy accident, though. It made me look ultra progressive and accepting.

This time around, I was prepared. I knew the purpose behind this massively popular act, and I noticed that everyone else who did it got like, a shitload of ‘likes.’ No brainer.

What’s that? You’re attending a candle light vigil and you want me to come along? Hmmm. Where is it? St. John’s Lutheran Church? Is that the one by the McDonald’s? It’s not. Hmmm. The thing is, that’s kind of out of my way, and I really wanted to go to McDonald’s. Besides, I already changed my profile pic for France. They know I got their back.

There will be cookies and punch at the vigil, you say? I really wanted more of a meal. How about this: while I’m at McDonald’s, I’ll order extra French fries. I’ll say the ‘French’ part really loud, and see if I can get a chant going. No I won’t, I’m shy. Anyways, remember how silly it was when we were mad at France, and people were trying to call those things Freedom Fries? I think all those French flags on Facebook have buried that hatchet once and for all.

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. You’re assembling care packages for the injured victims? When? Ooooo, that’s not going to work for me. My favorite um…..show is on at that time. What are the chances. Tell you what, write out the address for my Facebook profile on a piece of paper, make copies, and drop one into every package. Then they can go to my page and see that I have changed my picture to the French Flag. Well, I’m still the main focus of the picture, but the colors kind of distort the image and make me look really cool. I know seeing a stranger overlaid with the American flag would make me happy, sort of, I guess.

Did I hear that correctly? You’re accepting monetary donations? Um, I would, but I don’t uh, have any cash on me. Yeah, no cash. Sorry. What’s that? I can go online and donate with a debit or credit card? Shit. I mean yeah, I’ll totally do that later.

Look, before you toss out any more invites requiring me to go places or do things for France, let me point out again that I changed my Facebook profile picture to the French Flag. No further action needed. See? Holy crap! Ten ‘likes’ already! I never crack double digits. YES!!! Peace on Earth, here we come.

Did you just call me a sheep? Why? Because I blindly follow trends? Do sheep support France? Didn’t think so. BAAA. Excuse me, I coughed. BAAAAAA. BAAAAAAAAAA. Sorry, there’s something tickling my throat.

BAAAAAAAA. BAAAAAAAAA. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Women’s Equality Day Vs. National Dog Day

Today is Women’s Equality Day. Today is also National Dog Day.

My Facebook feed looks like this:

Posts about dogs=a lot.

Posts about Women’s Equality Day=0.

So, have I unwittingly become entwined in some sort of sick dog-worshipping misogynistic social circle, or is this happening in the Facebook feeds of everyone else, too?

Comment below, or not.

Ten Things People Love About Lists

1: You love lists. This is a list.

2: You can share this list on Facebook, or Twitter, or Tumblr, to let everyone know that you have read a list, and that you want them to read the same list.

3: This list connects with you in some deep way, it confirms a belief you hold, or it talks about your childhood. It really does.

4: You would someday like to make a list of your own, but this list listed all the things you could ever dream of listing. Now you have more free time to read lists.

5: After you say ‘list’ a lot, it begins to sound like it’s not really a word.

6: If there were a top ten list of the top ten lists, this list would be included.

7: This top ten list is unique in that it only contains seven items.

The Philosophunculist Has A Facebook Page Now

We here at The Philosophunculist have always been on the way to selling out. But in order to sell out, you need a buyer. To find a buyer, you need, well, I’m not sure, which is why no one seems to be purchasing what I’m pushing. I blame the economy, mostly, but also teenagers, immigrants, people on welfare, liberals, conservatives, and Canada.

Anyways, back to selling out. I stated, ages ago, on this very Blog, that it was my intent to one day become an eccentric billionaire, or at the very least, a weird millionaire. The warnings have been there. So here it is. This Blog now has a Facebook page.

Picture it as the tiny snowball perched on the top of a hill, ready to be pushed down, sopping up and absorbing everything in its widening swath. At the bottom of the hill, my own clothing line, corporate endorsements, reality television, rehab, indoor sunglasses, and straight cash homey.

Here’s the link. ‘Like’ it. That’s it. You don’t even have to look at it after that.

This is the link to the official Philosophunculist Facebook Page.

Of Course The Baby Looks Like Its Parents

“OMG, he looks just like you!”

“She’s got your eyes!”

Just a couple typical Facebook baby picture/video comments there.

From a biology standpoint, it’s pretty common for offspring to look like their parents.

We all really need to start leaving comments if the baby doesn’t look like the mother or father. It could be a great help to some couples, because I don’t want to see the wrong person duped into paying for a kid that they think they made.

“You know, he kind of has the same nose as that personal trainer that was at your Memorial Day party last year. Do you still go to that gym?”

“It’s good that Stephan has learned to walk. I noticed he’s got the same awkward waddle as your milk man, isn’t that weird?”

A lot of strife could be avoided this way.

 

I’m Endorsing Anarchy In The 2012 Election

September 12, 2012 1 comment

This November, when I strizut over to my local voting hole, I’m seeking out every blank line that says “write-in,” and drawing one of these:

Why anarchy? On August 25, around 9:16 PM I read this quote:

“We’ve never had our injustices rectified from the top, from the president or Congress, or the Supreme Court, no matter what we learned in junior high school about how we have three branches of government, and we have checks and balances, and what a lovely system. No. The changes, important changes that we’ve had in history, have not come from those three branches of government. They have reacted to social movements.”  — Howard Zinn — historian, intelligent person

So if the throbbing masses are behind the important changes, then that would mean “The Man” is actually just “The Middle Man.”

And also, Facebook is now nothing but pictures of food and this: “Don’t vote for Obama!” “Vote for Obama!” “Don’t vote for Romney!” “Vote for Romney!” and “Don’t let corporations run the country (sent from an iPhone)!”

Vote for no one, and start posting better crap in Facebook.

 

 

 

 

Study: Complaining on Facebook Actually Can Change The Weather

When I was cruising Facebook earlier today, I came upon a link that I saw posted in my News Feed. That link led me to an article about the nature of Facebook and its influence on nature. “Where can I find this article?” you are probably wondering. You are reading it, right now. Let us continue.

Studies have shown that posting comments such as “Uggh, snow? Again? FML,” can actually be observed by the atmosphere, which is much more intuitive and sensitive to the thoughts, feelings, and elemental tolerances of humans than we previously believed it to be.  Some posts, like “Why does it have to be sooo cold? Brrrr!” have been shown to reach as far as the sun itself, causing it to “crank up the heat” a few notches in order to obliterate any below-freezing temperatures that may be causing discomfort to the crybaby, who probably is already in a warm room, sitting in front of their computer. Meteorologists have concluded that using Facebook to air any climatical grievances is the only proven method to stop rain, make it warmer, or do just about anything else that will bring unfettered joy to anyone complaining about an entity that as little as five years ago was thought to be uncontrollable. We are truly witnessing a revolution.

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