I Changed My Facebook Profile Pic To The French Flag, And Things Are Getting Better Already

As you’ve probably noticed, my Facebook profile picture now has a vague blue, white and red shade over it. Why? Well, it’s just one of the many things I’m doing that is helping heal the world. Like back in June, when I saw that everyone was changing their profile pics to rainbows. I thought it was because summer was starting, and I also like rainbows, so I did it too. Turns out it was for gay marriage. Whoops. It was a happy accident, though. It made me look ultra progressive and accepting.

This time around, I was prepared. I knew the purpose behind this massively popular act, and I noticed that everyone else who did it got like, a shitload of ‘likes.’ No brainer.

What’s that? You’re attending a candle light vigil and you want me to come along? Hmmm. Where is it? St. John’s Lutheran Church? Is that the one by the McDonald’s? It’s not. Hmmm. The thing is, that’s kind of out of my way, and I really wanted to go to McDonald’s. Besides, I already changed my profile pic for France. They know I got their back.

There will be cookies and punch at the vigil, you say? I really wanted more of a meal. How about this: while I’m at McDonald’s, I’ll order extra French fries. I’ll say the ‘French’ part really loud, and see if I can get a chant going. No I won’t, I’m shy. Anyways, remember how silly it was when we were mad at France, and people were trying to call those things Freedom Fries? I think all those French flags on Facebook have buried that hatchet once and for all.

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. You’re assembling care packages for the injured victims? When? Ooooo, that’s not going to work for me. My favorite um…..show is on at that time. What are the chances. Tell you what, write out the address for my Facebook profile on a piece of paper, make copies, and drop one into every package. Then they can go to my page and see that I have changed my picture to the French Flag. Well, I’m still the main focus of the picture, but the colors kind of distort the image and make me look really cool. I know seeing a stranger overlaid with the American flag would make me happy, sort of, I guess.

Did I hear that correctly? You’re accepting monetary donations? Um, I would, but I don’t uh, have any cash on me. Yeah, no cash. Sorry. What’s that? I can go online and donate with a debit or credit card? Shit. I mean yeah, I’ll totally do that later.

Look, before you toss out any more invites requiring me to go places or do things for France, let me point out again that I changed my Facebook profile picture to the French Flag. No further action needed. See? Holy crap! Ten ‘likes’ already! I never crack double digits. YES!!! Peace on Earth, here we come.

Did you just call me a sheep? Why? Because I blindly follow trends? Do sheep support France? Didn’t think so. BAAA. Excuse me, I coughed. BAAAAAA. BAAAAAAAAAA. Sorry, there’s something tickling my throat.

BAAAAAAAA. BAAAAAAAAA. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Women’s Equality Day Vs. National Dog Day

Today is Women’s Equality Day. Today is also National Dog Day.

My Facebook feed looks like this:

Posts about dogs=a lot.

Posts about Women’s Equality Day=0.

So, have I unwittingly become entwined in some sort of sick dog-worshipping misogynistic social circle, or is this happening in the Facebook feeds of everyone else, too?

Comment below, or not.

Ten Things People Love About Lists

1: You love lists. This is a list.

2: You can share this list on Facebook, or Twitter, or Tumblr, to let everyone know that you have read a list, and that you want them to read the same list.

3: This list connects with you in some deep way, it confirms a belief you hold, or it talks about your childhood. It really does.

4: You would someday like to make a list of your own, but this list listed all the things you could ever dream of listing. Now you have more free time to read lists.

5: After you say ‘list’ a lot, it begins to sound like it’s not really a word.

6: If there were a top ten list of the top ten lists, this list would be included.

7: This top ten list is unique in that it only contains seven items.

The Philosophunculist Has A Facebook Page Now

We here at The Philosophunculist have always been on the way to selling out. But in order to sell out, you need a buyer. To find a buyer, you need, well, I’m not sure, which is why no one seems to be purchasing what I’m pushing. I blame the economy, mostly, but also teenagers, immigrants, people on welfare, liberals, conservatives, and Canada.

Anyways, back to selling out. I stated, ages ago, on this very Blog, that it was my intent to one day become an eccentric billionaire, or at the very least, a weird millionaire. The warnings have been there. So here it is. This Blog now has a Facebook page.

Picture it as the tiny snowball perched on the top of a hill, ready to be pushed down, sopping up and absorbing everything in its widening swath. At the bottom of the hill, my own clothing line, corporate endorsements, reality television, rehab, indoor sunglasses, and straight cash homey.

Here’s the link. ‘Like’ it. That’s it. You don’t even have to look at it after that.

This is the link to the official Philosophunculist Facebook Page.

Of Course The Baby Looks Like Its Parents

“OMG, he looks just like you!”

“She’s got your eyes!”

Just a couple typical Facebook baby picture/video comments there.

From a biology standpoint, it’s pretty common for offspring to look like their parents.

We all really need to start leaving comments if the baby doesn’t look like the mother or father. It could be a great help to some couples, because I don’t want to see the wrong person duped into paying for a kid that they think they made.

“You know, he kind of has the same nose as that personal trainer that was at your Memorial Day party last year. Do you still go to that gym?”

“It’s good that Stephan has learned to walk. I noticed he’s got the same awkward waddle as your milk man, isn’t that weird?”

A lot of strife could be avoided this way.

 

I’m Endorsing Anarchy In The 2012 Election

This November, when I strizut over to my local voting hole, I’m seeking out every blank line that says “write-in,” and drawing one of these:

Why anarchy? On August 25, around 9:16 PM I read this quote:

“We’ve never had our injustices rectified from the top, from the president or Congress, or the Supreme Court, no matter what we learned in junior high school about how we have three branches of government, and we have checks and balances, and what a lovely system. No. The changes, important changes that we’ve had in history, have not come from those three branches of government. They have reacted to social movements.”  — Howard Zinn — historian, intelligent person

So if the throbbing masses are behind the important changes, then that would mean “The Man” is actually just “The Middle Man.”

And also, Facebook is now nothing but pictures of food and this: “Don’t vote for Obama!” “Vote for Obama!” “Don’t vote for Romney!” “Vote for Romney!” and “Don’t let corporations run the country (sent from an iPhone)!”

Vote for no one, and start posting better crap in Facebook.

 

 

 

 

Study: Complaining on Facebook Actually Can Change The Weather

When I was cruising Facebook earlier today, I came upon a link that I saw posted in my News Feed. That link led me to an article about the nature of Facebook and its influence on nature. “Where can I find this article?” you are probably wondering. You are reading it, right now. Let us continue.

Studies have shown that posting comments such as “Uggh, snow? Again? FML,” can actually be observed by the atmosphere, which is much more intuitive and sensitive to the thoughts, feelings, and elemental tolerances of humans than we previously believed it to be.  Some posts, like “Why does it have to be sooo cold? Brrrr!” have been shown to reach as far as the sun itself, causing it to “crank up the heat” a few notches in order to obliterate any below-freezing temperatures that may be causing discomfort to the crybaby, who probably is already in a warm room, sitting in front of their computer. Meteorologists have concluded that using Facebook to air any climatical grievances is the only proven method to stop rain, make it warmer, or do just about anything else that will bring unfettered joy to anyone complaining about an entity that as little as five years ago was thought to be uncontrollable. We are truly witnessing a revolution.

Top Ten Ways I Am Going To Be Better Than Facebook

I’ve decided that I would like to be rich. I recently discovered that this Zuckerberg fellow seems to have billions of dollars, all because of this Facebook thing. So I’m gunna gets me sum of dat. Fatten my Hammy Stack if you know what I mean. (A Hammy is a ten dollar bill.) To live my dream of becoming a rich person, I am in the process of creating a website that will be more popular than Facebook, thus propelling me into the stratosphere of billionaire-ism. Here are the Top Ten ways I am going to make my site better than Facebook.

It's all about the Hamiltons baby.

10. I obviously can’t call it Facebook. That one is taken. So what would be better than Facebook? Well, how about instead of just a face, why not the entire body? You simply can’t judge a person just based on their face, you wanna get a glimpse of the body to see what kind of action they have goin’ on. And instead of an entire book, why not condense it into a pamphlet of some sort? Facebook, meet your new nemesis: BodyPamphlet.com. Nervous, Zuckerberg?

9. Allow nudity. My policy has always been, I’m comfortable with my body, and if I want to show it to people, I should be able to. No one is forcing you to look at it.

8. Instead of being constricted to writing on someone’s “wall,” in the Body Pamphlet world you would get an entire  “building.” You would be able to enter into other people’s “buildings” so that you can “use their bathroom,” or “try on their clothes,” or “help yourself to a snack from their refrigerator.” And you could probably leave a Post-It note or something to let them know you were there.

7. I would probably combine some elements of Twitter into there as well. For instance, instead of “tweeting,” you would “cackle.”  Every time you “cackled,” a loud “ca-CAW, ca-CAW!” would blast through the speakers of everyone logged into the site at that time. It would be like you’re out in the forest, yet you would still be inside the comfort of your “building!”

6. Instead of having “friends,” I would probably just call it “People You Have Met Before.” Nobody actually has 500 friends.

5. People who constantly “cackle” about their emotions or other buzz-killing updates like “So stressed. Why does the world hate me? FML!” will be penalized by having a fun little animated guy known as “The World’s Tiniest Violinist” saunter across their screen, serenading them with the depressing music that they deserve.

4. That’s actually all I really have.

3. Maybe I’ll think of something more later.

2.

1.

Blong. Who’s ready for some Polish Jazz from the 70’s?!

The Experiment

Trying out something today. In an effort to really stick this Blog into the nation’s collective consciousness, I came up with a plan. Why not find what the most popular keyword searches on the internet are, and stick them all in one blog?  That’s gotta get some attention right? Here goes.

I read the other day on Yahoo News that Michael Jackson and Lady Gaga totally Twitter’ed each other on the set of Glee while Brett Favre the Grandfather looked on. Of course everyone used their Apple iPad to search Google and then Facebook chatted about it the next day. Don’t worry though, Brittany Favre has Health Care, and I’m sure Glen Beck, Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and Sean Hannity of Fox News are all very proud of her. The rest of the Twilight-loving world would love to see her go all Britney Spears and shave her head or something.  Maybe she’ll end up on Dancing With The Stars or American Idol and provide us with wholesome entertainment just like Adam Lambert once did. Man, Megan Fox is pretty hot isn’t she? I bet a bunch of NASCAR fans wouldn’t mind watching her and Kim Kardashian mud wrestle while Jenny McCarthy sings “Pants on the Ground” on top of a Toyota Prius with the windows down playing the latest Susan Boyle record. And I have no doubt in my mind that once Justin Bieber is old enough to like girls he wouldn’t mind kickin back with the Jonas Brothers and getting in on that sweet action as well, while Tiger Woods lays low and plays in the Masters at Augusta National Golf Club.  Heck, Barack Obama might even get a kick out of it. Maybe Kate Gosselin and Martha Stewart could team up and cater the event while Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and Madonna talk about adopting stuff, while Oprah uses her iPhone to take pictures and post them on Flickr.

Today’s Blong (blog song) of the day is from a little group I like to call Ratatat. I guess they like to call themselves Ratatat as well. Anyways, it sucks that there isn’t an actual video for the song, but to put it in surfer slang, this gets me totally stoked, brah.

The Friday Feedbag

Let me help you ease into the weekend with these little known fun facts. Feel free to dispense them at the next cocktail party, weenie roast, or intimate encounter with a loved one.

-Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were roommates in college.

-Facebook is a lot more fun if you read people’s status updates out loud in a really stupid voice. Thats what I do.

-Robin Williams and Christopher Reeve were also college roommates!

-Chambs’ slow, labored breathing is really putting me off my game right now. Look at him over there with his beady little eyes, tracing his stupid little drawing. The air isn’t going anywhere, you don’t need to suck it all in at once. Not really fun, but it is a fact.

-If you were to digitize all the information you take in over the course of a day, it is estimated that it would be about 34 Gibabytes. That is a lot.

-Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo. That is actually a grammatically correct sentence. Check it out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_buffalo_Buffalo_buffalo

-I’ve been thinking of starting an ant farm this summer.

-Bill Clinton reportedly only ever sent two emails as president, one of which was a test message to see if he was doing it correctly.

Here is a fun little diddy I heard on the Current.