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Movie Script Idea
Some jerk, played by Jack Black, or whoever, somehow gains the ability to see the true inner self of people he encounters. Maybe we could get Tony Robbins or Doctor Oz to hypnotize him to make this possible. Hell, he could just get struck by lightning instead. That would be a lot easier, plus I feel like Doctor Oz would show up on set with quinoa salad to share with everyone, and then give some pitch about a new weight loss drug he just invested in. It would set back the schedule. I run a tight set. I’m also the director now. Writer-director.
Back on track. And by the way, the main guy doesn’t have to be Jack Black, maybe Neil Patrick Harris would be interested, or we could bring back some broke television star from the ’80’s that probably hasn’t tasted hot food in a while. So, this main character meets a really hot chick that doesn’t seem to understand why our main man is interested in her.
We fill in the middle with enough low grade bathroom humor to get the running time up to 90 minutes, then at the end, the Shyamalanian twist comes: the hot chick was the person’s inner self, remember, and when Jack Black or Michael Newman comes out of his altered state, we find that the person he was attracted to was a flamboyant junior high kid. Don’t worry, they didn’t get it on or anything. The other people in the film notice that the guy is acting really creepy around this kid, so they call the police.
The guy goes to jail, I’m thinking Michael Newman is my main choice now, because I’m the producer too. Writing, directing, producing. I do a lot of stuff. While in prison, the guy somehow becomes hypnotized again, and finds true love, this time with a legal adult, maybe a morbidly obese Hawaiian man, or whatever juxtaposition would be funny in this scenario. Who would look funny as Michael Newman’s boyfriend? I’ll have to look through some headshots. Or maybe I’ll just play the main guy, because I also act. I’m an actor that writes and directs and produces. And then the guy I fall in love with in prison is actually me, because by this point I play everyone in the movie.
The thing is, I don’t really want to get involved in the whole Hollywood-Industrial complex, so in order to get this thing made, it’s all going to have to take place in my spare bedroom, with no cameras, because I don’t like seeing videos of myself. Actually, I’ll probably just sit on the couch and imagine all this happening, then the second Shyamalanian twist will flop out: I find out that I am actually M. Night Shyamalan, or he is me. Haven’t thought that out yet.
I’m going to end this post now.
Conspiracy Theory: Jon Stewart Is Donald Trump
“We cannot ban guns in this country because of a few bad apples. But we can ban an entire religion.” —The actor currently portraying Donald Trump
August 6, 2015—A Republican presidential debate occurs the same night as Jon Stewart’s final Daily Show. Backstage after the debate in Cleveland, Chris Christie, turning his nose up at the provided fruit trays, pulls a hoagie from his pocket. The toppings accidentally spill onto the floor. Christie lures Donald Trump to a dark corner and places him inside the hoagie.
“AHHH. Donald Trump is turning into poop inside my body right now.”
Chris Christie eats a Donald Trump hoagie as the rest of the candidates watch. No one intervenes.
August 7-present—Donald Trump continues his presidential campaign. How is this possible if he was eaten and turned into fecal matter by Chris Christie?
August 6, moments after Chris Christie has licked the last drops of Trump juice from his fingers—Realizing they are all accomplices, the candidates settle on the following plan: they will hire Jon Stewart, who now has free time galore, to play Donald Trump. If there is one thing they all agree on, it is that Trump should be out of the race. Stewart will alienate voters by simply doing and saying things that Donald Trump would say and do, and as his popularity in the polls inevitably declines, he’ll drop out of his candidacy, eventually fading from public memory.
The present—Jon Stewart, in his Trump disguise, is the most popular Republican candidate.
This is just a conspiracy theory. It might not be true.
A Modest Proposal: In Which I Moderate A Presidential Debate With Myself
Michael Cedarwood: Good evening, Michael. Now tell us why you would be a good president.
Michael Cedarwood: First off, Michael, I would love to express my love for America. Hold for applause. And the constitution. Hold for more applause.
Michael Cedarwood: You don’t have to say ‘hold for applause.’ If I want to clap, I will do so whenever I want.
Michael Cedarwood: Okay, let’s get star—-[loud clapping noises erupt]
Michael Cedarwood: See?
Michael Cedarwood: Touche.
Michael Cedarwood: Now tell us how you would fix America.
Michael Cedarwood: My solution to set America straight is a modest proposal, much like A Modest Proposal For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being a Burden on Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick, by Jonathan Swift.
Michael Cedarwood: So you are saying the poor should sell their babies as food to the rich.
Michael Cedarwood: No. Swift wrote that in 1729. In today’s world, even the middle class could afford a meal of impoverished baby.
Michael Cedarwood: My goodness, that is true. I could go for some baby, I guess. It’s probably very, very tender.
Michael Cedarwood: I think you and I are hovering right around the poverty line. That means we would be the ones selling the babies, not feasting on them.
Michael Cedarwood: Well, the main focus of my campaign just shifted to make impoverished babies affordable for all.
Michael Cedarwood: Are you flip-flopping?
Michael Cedarwood: If saying that I think all people should be able to purchase a baby and then eat it is flip-flopping, then yes, I am flip-flopping.
Michael Cedarwood: Would the babies all be the same price? Maybe the less-fresh ones could be sold at say, Aldi, for dirt cheap, while the more desirable infants could be purchased at Kowalski’s.
Michael Cedarwood: I don’t see why not. And don’t forget Trader Joe’s. But they’d probably coat them in flaxseed or stuff ’em full of pomegranate or something weird like that.
Michael Cedarwood: This time of year, it would be pumpkin spice.
Michael Cedarwood: Totally. The baby could go right inside the pumpkin. Absorb the flavor.
Michael Cedarwood: Now that would be something else.
Michael Cedarwood: Sure would.
Michael Cedarwood: What were we talking about?
Michael Cedarwood: I don’t know.
The Left-Wing/Liberal Review of the Right-Wing/Conservative/Tea Party Review of Jurassic World
The left-wing liberal is sitting in a coffee shop, skimming over an article titled “The Right-Wing/Conservative/Tea Party Review of Jurassic World.”
How did it come to this? Why would someone read, on purpose, an article he knows will anger him?
The left-wing liberal is a tough creature to understand. Currently, he is on what is called a Comcast Cleanse, which means that he is boycotting the large corporation, because large corporations are evil. So, unable to access the internet in his suburban home, he grabs his iPad, hops into his Honda, which gets over 35mpg, and drives to the nearest Starbucks to use their Wi-Fi before he goes to his job at Target.
He starts by expressing his outrage over Cecil the lion on Facebook for the seventh straight day, oblivious to the fact that, as a carnivore, he himself has contributed to the slaughter of countless chickens, cows, and pigs right here in America. To be fair, though, the animals he eats are labeled ‘organic’ and don’t live in a factory, which makes killing them okay. And besides, he sometimes partakes in Meatless Mondays, so he’s basically a vegetarian.
Anyways, as he skims through the ‘Jurassic World’ article, he thinks how great it is that more and more children’s sports leagues don’t keep score and everyone gets a trophy, because that is how real life works.
“Ha! Doesn’t this guy realize that Islam and Christianity are actually very similar? I’m not sure how, exactly, but Brian said it on Family Guy one time.”
He temporarily diverts himself away from the article to visit a charitable website for pregnant inner city transgender hermaphrodite teenage kids that can’t afford to live inside of buildings. Just as he is about to click the ‘donate’ button, which would transfer five dollars from his bank account into that of the charity, he wanders up to the counter to purchase another coffee. By the time he is back at his iPad, the session has timed out, and he isn’t about to reenter all his information. He was close, though.
He decides to do something about this right-wing Jurassic World article. He copies the URL, and posts the link in his Facebook timeline with the header “Check out this paranoid conservative idiot,” an act which will somehow bring us all closer to peace and harmony.
The Right-Wing/Conservative/Tea Party Review of Jurassic World
Indominus Rex, or America, is vilified by this film.
Summertime means it’s time for fun, hot (but not global warming hot) temps, and big budget films liberally laced with anti-American values.
Jurassic World, or more appropriately Jihad World, is an audacious reminder that Muslims and liberals, now one and the same, have pulled out their spoons and dug, chipped, and caved their way into the entertainment industry in order to push upon us a film that symbolically dismantles America and her freedoms.
But wait, isn’t Jurassic World just an innocent summer thriller featuring dinosaurs and eye-dazzling special effects? The RIGHT-wing says WRONG!
It’s all about symbolism, folks. And cave-dwelling director Colin Trevorrow injects the symbolism into this film so heavily that even all the children left behind by the No Child Left Behind Act can see it.
It’s all as plain as the hair on my turban-free head.
Early in the film, we meet Muslim extremist Owen Grady, played by Chris Pratt. Grady represents the forces scheming to destroy freedom and liberty—a kind of Hitler, Bin Laden, and Hussein (both Saddam and Barack) medley.
During a velociraptor training session, Grady stops the beasts from feasting upon a small pig that runs through their cage, which is Anti-American Symbol #1: pork is withheld from the velociraptors, therefore the velociraptors represent Muslimity. Frankly, I’m surprised the filmmakers didn’t rename the velociraptors something like Islamasaurus, or Muslim Lizard King, or Death To Infidelus Rex. By now, you should be outraged. But wait, there’s more.
Anti-American Symbol #2: We are introduced to the apex predator, the badass, the hero, the king, the indestructible force of the film: the Indominus rex. The genetic makeup contains the DNA of cuttlefish, tree frogs, and a number of alpha dinosaurs. Read—this dinosaur is a veritable melting pot of genes. Wait, where has that term been used before? Oh yeah, to describe AMERICA. While in captivity, Indominus kills its sister, which obviously represents Great Britain, and eventually gains independence. So we have here the holy rolling train of unstoppable AMERICA.
But, for unspeakable reasons, Trevorrow depicts this perfect beast as an insatiable killer that preys on the weak and starts fights for fun.
As Grady searches for the escaped genius, we witness a wide shot depicting a landscape of dead apatosauri, killed for sport by Indominus. Now what does this remind you of? Remember when early patriots, drinking the delicious nectar of Manifest Destiny, meaninglessly slaughtered millions of buffalo on their journey west? Well, Jihad World mocks that.
Anti-American Symbol #3: Then we have Vic Hoskins, played by Vincent D’Onofrio. Despite D’Onofrio’s suspicious Spanish-sounding surname, do not fret, for he portrays a patriot. Hoskins plans to use the dinosaurs, most notably the sexy Indominus, as military weapons. He is, of course, vilified and eventually killed.
Anti-American Symbol #4: Visitors to Jihad World use gyrospheres, which are rolling orbs used to get up close and personal with the dinosaurs. What, you may ask, is wrong with a gyrosphere? A gyro is a Greek sandwich. Greek sandwiches do not come from AMERICA. The writers could have just as easily named the device a Cheeseburgersphere, or even put the tourists in mini Wienermobiles, but they didn’t.
Anti-American Symbol #5: The Indominus is eventually killed when the velociraptors and the Tyrannosaurus Rex push it towards the lagoon, where the Mosasaurus drags it underwater, metaphorically killing AMERICA. We have already discussed what the velociraptors represent, but where do the Tyrannosaurus and Mosasaurus fit in?
Simply put, the Tyrannosaurus represents tyranny, ISIS, homosexuality, interracial dating, taxes, un-white people, communism, immigrants, reggae music, electric cars, and any establishment that does not allow assault rifles—all things that will eventually push AMERICA to her demise. The Mosasaurus, due to its aquatic nature, is a blatant reminder that our enemies are covertly building vast underwater cities stuffed to the rafters with nukes, science books, and Kurt Vonnegut novels.
In conclusion, avoid this movie at all costs, and report anyone who sees it to Homeland Security.
(The inspiration for this review can be found in this article and its comments section, in which someone at the Tea Party News Network was under the impression that Chipotle became involved in some sort of Islamic conspiracy.)
The Summer of Catfish Jackson
Here is my summer plan.
It goes like this: leave a series of small circular patches on my face unshaved. These flocculent circles will grow into long, resplendent whiskers, like those of a catfish. That’s my plan. Look like a catfish. I drafted this list of names to adopt once I look more like a catfish:
Catfish Jackson
Whiskers McNulty
Bottom-Feeding Man Fish
Land-Walking Fish Man
Tuscaloosa Timothy
Of course, the plan ran into some resistance from Cassandra Morningfart, which is the real name of the real girl I’m dating.
Here is how that was resolved.
Cassandra Morningfart: “That would look stupid. And I will not call you Catfish Jackson.”
I then grabbed her mouth and moved it around so she appeared to be talking, and said in a replica of her voice, “Yeah! Try to look like a catfish! I’m on board!”
So after that speed bump, if it can even be called that after the speed and efficiency with which it was overcome, everything is in motion. I will soon look like a catfish. I will think like a catfish. I will eat like a catfish. I will worship catfish deities. I will ‘like’ statuses that my catfish friends post on Facebook. I will attend funerals and weddings for catfish. I will read catfish literature. This blog may start to lean towards the sympathies of catfish politics and catfish-lifestyle issues (can you believe catfish have a similar Bruce Jenner type controversy going on ‘down here?’ (‘down here’ is what we in the catfish world refer to what humans know as ‘underwater’)). I have already begun lining my apartment floors with mud and decomposed plant matter. I can now hold my breath for almost 20 seconds.
The transition is in full effect, as it were.
Catfish Jackson, signing off.
P.S. I’m not officially ‘signing off,’ for I cannot officially live ‘down here,’ (underwater) because that would kill me, so I will still have full access to human internet and many other amenities while I’m ‘up there,’ until the government (rightly) begins funding human-gill growing research programs.
True Detective Season Two Preview—You Won’t Believe Who Plays Vince Vaughn
The speculation surrounding season two of the HBO series True Detective ends here. As a northern midwestern Hollywood insider, I’ve got the juicy, succulent details.
The cast:
Vince Vaughn plays Matthew McConaughey (all characters are fictitious, any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental), a detective who drives a Lincoln while revealing his thoughts on what it’s like to drive a Lincoln.
Colin Farrell portrays Vince Vaughn (all characters are fictitious, any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental), an alcoholic police officer trying to dry out. At one point, Vaughn, the character, believes he is the brother of Santa Claus, but then comes to his senses and starts a fraternity.
Series creator Nic Pizzolatto makes an appearance as police chief Woody Harrelson (all characters are fictitious, any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is purely coincidental), while wearing a pregnancy vest and carrying on an affair with a busty paralegal.
Matthew McConaughey (the real person) is absent from the cast, for he is believed to be isolated somewhere in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, rubbing his fingers together, writing dialogue for the next run of Lincoln commercials.
The plot:
Matthew McConaughey, the detective, discovers a disfigured body along the Pacific Coast Highway, believed to be corrupt politician Colin Farrell, played by Woody Harrelson. The corpse presents a multitude of esoteric knife carvings along his perineum—this obviously wasn’t the killer’s first rodeo. Naturally, Vince Vaughn’s character, Matthew McConaughey, wants to get to the bottom of things, so he calls in Vince Vaughn, played by Colin Farrell, a choice that chief Woody Harrelson (Nic Pizzolatto) has a major objection with.
Of course, the whole time, we’re wondering if the actual Matthew McConaughey will hop in his Lincoln and descend from the mythical Sierra Nevada peaks in order to help out with the investigation. After a few episodes, the actual McConaughey does come down out of the mountains, and is entangled in an impromptu metaphysical ‘act-off’ with Vince Vaughn’s fictional character named Matthew McConaughey that is not actually based on the real human Matthew McConaughey, in order to define the true meaning of Matthew McConaughey.
Matthew McConaughey, the actor, produces a notebook and begins to read: The laws of physics state that Matthew McConaughey, whether in liquid, gas, solid, or plasma form, cannot be defined by two separate bodies, for Matthew McConaughey exists everywhere, in everything. He is inside you. He is inside me. He is inside a Lincoln. He is the universe. Matthew McConaughey got himself pregnant and gave birth to God.
Security roughly escorts McConaughey, the actor, who drops his notebook, from the set, while McConaughey, the character, goes back to performing the scripted material. He picks up the notebook.
The cover reads, in childish handwriting, Matt’s Journal of Hopes and Dreams.
In the pages of Matt’s journal, the actor McConaughey’s plot to murder corrupt politician Colin Farrell, played by Woody Harrelson, is revealed.
McConaughey, the detective played by Vince Vaughn, chases down the security guards that carried out McConaughey, the actor.
The head guard looks confused and claims that he did not escort McConaughey, the actor, from the premises. Detective McConaughey closes his eyes for a moment to think. When he opens them, the guard is gone and an empty Lincoln MKC sits before him. The car drives off.
The face of Matthew McConaughey, the actor, is superimposed over the final scene before everything fades to black.
Here Are The Books I Read In 2014.
This is a list of the books I read in the year 2014. I only read three pages from 50 Shades of Grey, which is why it is not listed here. See? I’m not hiding anything.
Burgundy, Ron—Let Me Off at the Top! My Classy Life & Other Musings (2013)
Camus, Albert—The Stranger (1942)
Chandler, Raymond—The High Window (1942)
Dick, Philip Kindred—The Transmigration of Timothy Archer (1982)
Dixon, Chuck/Moench, Doug—Batman: Knightfall, Part One: Broken Bat (1993)
Egan, Jennifer—A Visit From the Goon Squad (2010)
Evans, Colin—The Casebook of Forensic Detection (2007)
Everett, Percival—Assumption (2011)
Frissell, Bob—Nothing In This Book Is True, But It’s Exactly How Things Are (1994)
Taken from http://www.bobfrissell.com
Greene, Graham—The Third Man (1950)
Haldeman, Joe—The Forever War (1974)
Harris, Thomas A.—I’m OK—You’re OK (1967)
Heinlein, Robert A.—The Puppet Masters (1951)
Kafka, Franz—The Trial (1925)
Kakalios, James—The Amazing Story of Quantum Mechanics (2010)
Larsson, Stieg—The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2005), The Girl Who Played With Fire (2006), The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest (2007)
Le Guin, Ursula K.—The Dispossessed (1974)
Moore, Alan—Batman: The Killing Joke (1988)
Petersen, Penny A.—Minneapolis Madams: The Lost History of Prostitution on the Riverfront (2013)
Pynchon, Thomas—The Crying of Lot 49 (1966), Bleeding Edge (2013)
Reed, Ishmael—Mumbo Jumbo (1972)
Rowling, J.K.—Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (1997), Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (1999), Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (1999), Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2003), Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2005), Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (2007)
Slater, Lauren—Opening Skinner’s Box: Great Psychological Experiments of the Twentieth Century (2004)
Stokes, Philip—Philosophy: 100 Essential Thinkers (2003)
Swartzwelder, John—The Time Machine Did It (2002)
Vonnegut, Kurt—Breakfast of Champions (1973)
Westlake, Donald E.—The Ax (1997)
Wilson, Robert Anton—Prometheus Rising (1983), Quantum Psychology (1990)
Wong, David—John Dies At The End (2009)
Yeager, Jeff—The Cheapskate Next Door (2010)
Lord Voldemort Originally Created By Ayn Rand To Be The Fountainhead Of Objectivism
Ayn Rand’s ideal man.
THE LITERARY COMMUNITY—J.K. Rowling recently confessed to plagiarizing a large portion of her Harry Potter series from a manuscript she discovered in Ayn Rand’s tomb, titled The Virtue of Voldemort. The nearly 8,000 page draft, unfinished at the time of Rand’s death in 1982, was to be the story of Tom Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, a supremely talented individualistic wizard and the ultimate hero of Objectivist philosophy.
J.K. Rowling admitted that she raided Rand’s black marble tomb in search of the manuscript, a mythical book which until now was only rumored to exist, much in the same way Lord Voldemort acquired the Elder Wand from the white marble tomb of the deceased Albus Dumbledore.
According to Rowling, the original text portrayed Lord Voldemort as the protagonist, personifying the ideals of Objectivist philosophy, with Harry Potter cast as a communist degenerate who unselfishly took the lives and feelings of others into consideration during his time at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Previous heroes of Objectivism include Howard Roark, a rapist; Henry Rearden, an adulterer; Ragnar Danneskjöld, a pirate who robbed the poor and gave back to the rich; and a variety of other grown human beings who acted like that one kid you knew growing up who would steal the ball and run off when the game didn’t go his way, ruining the fun for everyone.
After vilifying Voldemort, Rowling took other extensive creative liberties with Rand’s version of events, most notably flipping the main theme of the story around, and making a hero of Harry Potter.
A journal of handwritten notes by Rand, found with the newly discovered tome, highly contradict the spirit of Harry Potter we all know and love and dream about today:
Character sketch of Harry Potter, the half-blooded commie hypocrite asshole, by me, the greatest writer ever, Ayn Rand.
–Potter spends the first ten years of his life living, for free, off of pure generosity from the Dursleys, who owed him NOTHING, yet were kind enough to take him in after his parents dared defy the greatest wizard ever to live, Lord Voldemort. He then expects to be treated as an equal to their son, Dudley.
-Potter yearns to become an Auror, and one day work for the Ministry of Magic, an institution hell-bent on stifling innovators like Lord Voldemort, whose only crime is being unique and perfect and hot and sexy and powerful and I would let him do ANYTHING to me.
-Potter jacks a bank. This would be okay, but instead of stealing from lazy gross poor people who could stand to learn the value of not being lazy and gross and poor, he attempts to seize a goblet from the Lestranges, a wealthy family who were smart enough to be born of pure wizarding blood. Hell no you di’int, Harry.
-Potter shares a large amount of his gold to fund the poverty-stricken Weasley twins’ joke shop. Gold he acquired by winning a contest in which his rival was supposedly ‘murdered’ by Voldemort, conveniently leaving Potter as the victor. Gold that shouldn’t be shared, because no one should share anything with anyone because we all have our own crap to deal with and everyone should be selfish dicks and not help other people because only look out for yourself and no one else and I’m Ayn Rand and powerful men can bone anyone they want because they’re men and they’re powerful and that’s hot and what woman wouldn’t want to be boned by a powerful man and poor people are poor because they just can’t be as good as rich people and they never bothered to learn words like ‘opulent’ and ‘ostentatious’ like I did so I’m better than homeless people I really am because I’m Ayn Rand and everyone could be rich if they wanted but they suck too much at being selfish so only selfish people get to be happy.
The notes go on like this for hundreds of pages, Rowling reported.
Rowling omitted nearly all scenes involving He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, including a disturbing rant that Rand called in her notes ‘the greatest love tableau ever painted,’ which Rowling confirmed was a 75-page God-forsaken hellbroth of pent-up lust between Voldemort and Dolores Umbridge in which quote ‘Tom’s snaky, bone-white body stood quivering before her chubbiness, a chubbiness that suggested a life of indulgence, a life she deservedly took from the mouths of the looters and altruistic.’ (Editor’s note—that’s really how Rand wrote)
Truly disgusting stuff.
Lonely disciples of Rand, who have no friends, have criticized Rowling’s modified tale for reducing Voldemort to an incompetent hack who couldn’t even kill a baby, while normal people generally enjoy the story of Harry Potter.
The Philosophunculist 