A New Workout Craze

Latest moneymaking scheme:

Create an infomercial, to be aired late at night. The product: a workout system for alcoholics.

The alcoholics then order the system while they are schnockered, with no recollection of having done so. The purchase will be reflected on their bank statements as ‘Alcohol Store.’

Eight to ten business days later: the alcoholic receives a package in the mail, informing them they have won a free prize—a hot, chiseled body.

The alcoholic, in its drunken state, will be horny, and want to possess a hot, chiseled body, so that it will attract people that like hot, chiseled bodies.

The package contains several videos, none of which name my company.

The first video instructs the alcoholic to hit pause, and get black-out drunk, then proceed with the program—a ploy that will work perfectly, because alcoholics, by their very nature, love to get black-out-drunk.

Once the alcoholic is black-out drunk, the video descends into a parade of nothing, basically—footage of cats playing with yarn, black and white photos of weddings that occurred in the 1930s, spliced with actual workout scenes, in the event that the alcoholic experiences a moment of coherence.

The VHS tapes will be engineered to unspool after 30 minutes of viewing. The DVDs also have a built-in destruction mechanism: they look like coasters. After repeated poundings from Steel Reserve tall boys, those discs will be useless within the week. The tapes and discs are thrown away and soon forgotten.

Since they are under the impression that the videos were a free prize, and the only record of any purchases are attributed to the ‘Alcohol Store,’ as the infomercials continue to air, money continues to flow down from the alcoholic to me, in a textbook case of the trickle-down economy in action. And it’s good for the alcoholic: the more times they purchase my system, the less money they will have to abuse alcohol.

A Letter To The Perverted Deadbeat Whose Credit Card Got Declined At The Dollar Store

Dear guy:

You ought to be ashamed. The ridiculous scene you caused last Thursday at the Dollar Store tells me you need serious help. And I’m not even talking monetary help. Go see one of them head doctors, because you sir, are a pervert. All of us in line saw it—the deer-in-the-headlights look when the cashier swiped your card and was all like “Oooh haaaaay-uuul no! Don’t be bringin’ that trash in here!” You even resorted to lies. “But I just put money in that account today.” Of course you did. That’s why your card didn’t work. Because the account had money in it. For a moment, I even thought of picking up the tab for your two items, until I saw what they were, exposing you as the dastardly mountebank that you are.

What kind of two-bit rapscallion buys baby food and diapers for himself? At some vulnerable point in your childhood, the ease of eating liquified spinach and the comfort of wearing a diaper must have imprinted themselves in some twisted sexual way on your brain, leaving the adult version of you as a walking case study of depravity.

You were probably filling your diaper with creamed corn at that very moment, when the realization hit that you wouldn’t be getting your fix.

Your childish ways were even more evident as I saw you sitting out in the parking lot, crying, looking up at the sky and saying “How is my baby going to eat?” Like anyone would have a kid with someone who still wears diapers, for Pete’s sake. Textbook case of an addict—the heroin isn’t for me, officer, it’s for my baby. How low can you stoop? We’re all supposed to believe you have a kid waiting at home? Of course, and all four of my girlfriends want me to get a penis reduction, but you don’t see me crying at the hospital when the doctors tell me it just isn’t a reasonable procedure.

If I ever see you near that Dollar Store again I will kick you in your bankrupt crotch and then shave your head.

For real,

Me

The Domestic Free Money Fund Dips, International Increases

As of the last Domestic Free Money Fund report, the total was at 66 cents. A withdrawal had to be made for personal reasons, and the balance now sits at 57 cents.

In International Fund news, the Mexican account is holding steady at one peso.

However, Danish influence has reached the International Fund. An odd coin was found a few weeks ago, and has been added into the International mix. The Danish account now sits at 25 Øre.

The Free Money Fund Goes International

Today I found what I believe is a peso coin. It reads “Estados Unidos Mexicanos,” then it has a picture of a bird eating a snake on it. So the newly created Free Money International Fund now has a balance of one peso.

The Free Money Fund Shoots Up Over 1000%

As of the last update, the Free Money Fund was at five cents. Since then, I found five more pennies here and there, nothing really worth reporting. Today, though, good fortune smiled upon me my friends. First, a nickel was found. Minutes later, a quarter. Then another quarter, and then the day was rounded off with a penny. Had I found a dime I would have hit for the cycle. That’s 56 cents, just today. Add that in with the five unreported pennies, and I am up to 66 cents. That’s an increase of 1320%.

Free Money Fund – Gains Made, And Lost

I picked up another penny on the ground, but lost it somewhere between where I found it and getting home. Looks like someone else’s Free Money Fund has been bolstered due to my carelessness. That leaves me with five cents in the jar.

Free Money Fund Briefer

Time is of the essence and I gotta get out of here quick, so here’s a Free Money Fund update. Found a penny earlier in the week, so the jar now has five cents in it.

The Free Money Fund Update

Great news everyone. The balance of the Free Money Fund literally doubled last Tuesday, when I found a pair of pennies on the ground at work.

Total in the jar = four cents, American.