How To Make Honey Peanut Butter Oat Food Meal

Here’s something I concocted. It’s got honey. It’s got oats. It’s got peanut butter. You can call it honey peanut butter oat food meal, oats with honey and peanut butter snack, or H.O.P.B. (pronounced ‘hop’—the ‘B’ is silent, like in womb, or plumber).

Now, the ingredient list goes like this: oats, honey, and peanut butter. Also, love, care, friendship. And last, but not least, dead skin cells. This last is easiest, as it’s nearly impossible not to get them in there.

Grab a bowl. Insert the oats, honey, and peanut butter into it. The dead skin cells won’t be far behind. As to the love, care, and friendship, you go about getting those into the mix however you see fit.

Microwave for around 20 seconds. The chemical reaction betwixt the peanut butter and friendship and heat will form a sort of soft, paste-like substance that will make everything else mix together.

It’s ready to eat now. You earned it, champ.

 

I Wonder What Bizarre Sexual Proclivities My New Neighbors Will Have

When you dwell in an apartment complex, you get to know your neighbors over time. A large portion of these relationships develop based on how well the contractor decided to insulate the partitions above, below, and side to side in each unit. I’ve heard all the basic stuff—one guy liked to shag his girl, then scream and punch the wall. Another couple would have loud, frivolous arguments, pause to bump uglies for a few minutes, then continue on with the bickering. One coital instance had me believe, but never confirm, that the dog-lovers had thrown little Fido into the mix.

And I’m not over here straddling a stepping stool topped with phonebooks, pressing my ear to the ceiling. If I’m on the couch and I hear these freaks digging in, I’m not about to get up and inconvenience myself just ’cause somebody wanted private time. I sit where I sit, and I hear what I hear, which brings me to wonder what kind of feats the new downstairs neighbors are going to bring to the table.

The former people below me had a brief, unobtrusive sexual calendar that was very accommodating for me. Only woke me up a handful of times.

But it’s been quiet down there lately. Maybe they’re waitin’ on me to set the tone. Little do they know, I only get my lovin’ on in high-class steak joints, in order to avoid the shame that comes with communal love-making. I believe it was a little known bard from the 17th century that quoth, “Don’t crap where you eat, and don’t love where you live,” at least according to what is scratched in the stall where I get it on. In the men’s washroom, everyone assumes you just downed a choice cut, and are enjoying an opulent BM. Nothin’ weird about that.

This Is How I Found Out Where Babies Come From

A baby, just lying there, contributing absolutely nothing to society

It’s my little sister’s birthday today. Around the time she was born, or sometime in the months or years after, I found myself wondering, “Who is this other kid, and where did it come from?” I asked Google of the late ’80’s, my Mom, why there was another, smaller member of the family. In response to whatever form of the “Where do babies come from” question I dropped on her, I got this: “You pray for it, then you get pregnant, and then you have a baby.”

Even at the age of three, or four, or five—however young I was at the time, I remember thinking to myself, “Something about that doesn’t sound right.”

I took this info to my older sisters, and was told “You don’t have to pray for a baby, the man just sticks his penis in the woman’s vagina.”

This was confirmed much later in school when we watched animated sex-ed videos with wacky talking sperm and kids wondering why they have hair growing in places where it seems like hair isn’t necessary.

Of Course The Baby Looks Like Its Parents

“OMG, he looks just like you!”

“She’s got your eyes!”

Just a couple typical Facebook baby picture/video comments there.

From a biology standpoint, it’s pretty common for offspring to look like their parents.

We all really need to start leaving comments if the baby doesn’t look like the mother or father. It could be a great help to some couples, because I don’t want to see the wrong person duped into paying for a kid that they think they made.

“You know, he kind of has the same nose as that personal trainer that was at your Memorial Day party last year. Do you still go to that gym?”

“It’s good that Stephan has learned to walk. I noticed he’s got the same awkward waddle as your milk man, isn’t that weird?”

A lot of strife could be avoided this way.

 

From My Kitchen To Yours: How To Make Peanut Butter Sauce

This recipe can be eaten solo. It can be drizzled on an apple, significant other, or animal. It adds robust flavor to vegetables. Here’s how you make peanut butter sauce:

Drop a spoonful of peanut butter into a hot pan. It will melt and become peanut butter sauce.

 

My Three-Year-Old Nephew Has An Eight-Year-Old Girlfriend

He may not know her name, and we aren’t sure if the girl in question is aware of the fact that they’re dating, but little Gavi-Shenanigans is in his mind officially dating a girl nearly three times as old as he is. All we know is that she’s petite, and, given her age, still very vivacious—I can really do nothing but respect Baby G for taming the Cougar. This is the equivalent of me dating a woman in her mid-eighties, which is a quest I have recently been looking into.

Garlic Sweet Potato Cheese Bean Spread

“As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being.”

– Carl Jung

Ah yes, the meaning of life. Who knows what it is, but I can tell you this with near certainty — a hefty portion of the equation involves food, for without it we would perish. And if there is food to be ingested, it may as well taste good. So, make a dash to the store and pick up:

-Sweet potatoes

-Beans (buyer’s choice, I use black or pinto)

-Garlic powder

-Cheese (buyer’s choice)

Instructions:

Soften the sweet potatoes by boil. Put them in a bowl and add in beans and garlic powder. Mash it all together. Spread it over a plate and cover with cheese. Microwave until the cheese melts. Eat it. I used generic Triscuits to dip with. I also doused it with chicken wing sauce that I got at the Dollar Tree.

Here’s the Blong (Blog Song) of the day. Widespread Panic with Ain’t Life Grand.