A Multi-Layered Taco Dip Of A Joke

Taken from thedugoutreport.com

I’m sitting here watching the MLB All Star Game. Joe Buck’s forehead, which is somehow simultaneously advancing up over his scalp and down into his face, raping and pillaging any hair or sensory organs that cross its path, gave me the idea for a joke.

It will amuse nature lovers.

Sports fans might get it.

It incorporates the ancient art of rhyme.

The very masculinity of Buck himself is brought into question.

Sports, nature, poetry, and machismo in a delicious multi-layered taco dip of a joke. Here goes:

Joe Buck? More like Joe Doe!

I never said the joke would be funny. I’m very sorry.

A Pair of Jokes

“Controlling the mind is a more effective means of social control than punishing the body.” —Michel Foucault

I’ve come up with a way to batter both someone’s mind and body.

Here’s a ‘your daddy’ joke I wrote.

“Your daddy’s so dumb he tells ‘your momma’ jokes. To you.”

That is just rich.

Unless, of course, you plan on telling it to an individual who hails from a dysfunctional home, and the father really does treat the woman whom he impregnated with disrespect. So a word of caution: before presenting this humdinger to some ragamuffin you really think has it coming, take a moment to brush up on that person’s background. Nothing too personal, just ask what the situation was like at home growing up, were they rich, is either parent in prison, etc. Then quickly size up your mark. Is this a person that can take a joke? Does he or she have a violent temper? If they sat on you, would it hurt?

It would be wise to take a few basic martial arts courses beforehand. Also wear something hard around your neck, as the trachea is becoming one of the more trendy spots to blast in an attack. But make sure the thing protecting your neck matches your flesh, so people think that it’s uncovered, and when they punch it, then, well, let’s just say you’ll be able to use this next joke on them:

“Your daddy’s so dumb he raised a person who can’t even tell when another person is wearing a skin-camouflaged neck protecting device.”

You can probably lay off the jokes at this point, having provided both psychological and physical damage to the loser with the stupid dad. Go get lunch. You earned it.

I Write My Own Jokes Now

I have a couple of questions for you this afternoon. The first:

What is the favorite snack of teachers everywhere?

Academia nuts. Again, that was academia nuts.

Wow. What a fantastic joke. It’s smart, it’s sexy, it’s relevant. It’s so good in fact, it may be possible that I heard it somewhere, allowed it to marinate in my subconscious, and then regurgitated it here. If I did steal it, go ahead, sue me. I have NOTHING that you would want.

Second question:

What’s the easiest, cheapest, least painful way to get rid of a giant ass wart?

There’s no punch line to that. I need the answer. My friend wants to know how to get rid of the giant wart on his ass.

Blong (Blog song). It’s 3/11. Here’s 311.

Two Bananas

Shlogust has begun. Might as well warm up for the long haul ahead with a joke. The following gem comes from my friend K-Swan. It’s about two bananas.

Two bananas are sitting on a riverbank. A turd comes floating by and says “Come on in, the water’s fine!”

The first banana looks at the second and says “Do you believe that sh*t?”

Once you stop laughing, here’s the Blong. It’s the first of the month.

 

Monday

Knock knock.

What the crap? I wasn’t expecting anyone! Who is it?

Panther.

This is really weird. Panther who?

Panther no pants, I’m goin’ swimmin’!

HAHA!!! YES!! BOOYA!!! The Blog is on FIRE!!!

Thank you to the Henning family of Mounds View for that gem.

Since I really have nothing else of social relavance to talk about, I’ll give y’all an Aldi recap from this morning. 26 items purchased. And the grand total comes to………….$35.53. What is that, like $1.37 per item? And that feeds me for an entire week! Totally worth dealing with the masses of unkempt people tweezing their undershorts out of the aging waxy folds of their scrota. Well, see ya later!

Oh yeah, here’s a Blong.