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Posts Tagged ‘Life’

The Folly Of A Border Wall Vs. The Interdimensional Chess Game Of An Avid Golfer

“I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me. I’ll build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I’ll have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.” —We all know who said that

Last week, President Donald Trump viewed prototypes for a wall that will be great, and built in the best way.

One person has said that the wall is a waste of money and also a waste of money. And in addition to the billions of dollars that will be wasted, he says, a lot of money will also be wasted. Trump later called him a ‘fart-head’ on Twitter.

Another critic, known to Trump as ‘poopypants,’ has pointed out that while the wall will be anywhere from eighteen to thirty feet high, that only covers 1/10,000 of the area between ground level and the upper atmosphere of Earth, leaving a lot of room for flying machines to carry people over it. Here, look at a drawing that shows this:

wall

And this other guy, dubbed ‘fat ugly human’ by Trump, has wondered what happens at the Gulf of Mexico and the Pacific Ocean. He believes that this is what will happen:

aerialwall

Yet another miserable sack of human shit believes that people will be able to tunnel under a wall. He’s such a sack of shit, according to Trump, that the shit sack doesn’t even get a graphic.

Where is this going, anyway?

It’s going here: we’ve got to face the music. We are all drooly-sniffing-our-own-poopy-fingers-farty-poop-pants-peons and Mr. President is playing a game of interdimensional chess that transcends space and time, so let’s believe what he says.

That’s why Mr. Trump said last week he wants to start a ‘Space Force,’ like the Air Force, only in space.

So when people try to go over, around, or under the wall, I’m guessing the Space Force will be able blast them with space lasers. And yeah, they’re called space lasers, but they also work on earth. Here’s how it works: the lasers come through the atmosphere and go bing bong bing bong, transmogrifying from space beams into a form more suitable for earth.

Wall discussion—over. Unless Trump suddenly decides it’s a bad idea. Then I’m okay with it not being built.

Great And Christian Donald Trump Generously Donates Thirteen Percent of One Million Dollars To Down And Out Whore

Donald Trump, great president of America and very much ardent follower of Christ, has generously given big portion of donald’s father’s money to down and out harlot who has lost very many of her ways in this world.

Large sum of american $130,000, donated by strong leader and Man of God Trump to floozy who wallows in dregs of pornographic film industry, in order to provide for her great opportunity for to accept Jesus and spread giant words of Trump.

TRumP says this is good thing for America.

We must all make good for America and give our rubles, all of them, to women of filth, says TrUmp.

TrumP also gives us generous tip to buy red america is great hats from website that will donate money to great all over american donald truMP.

So do this, America, and america will blast white greatness over all the world. Happy!

Breitbart’s Best and Brightest

There are wackos, and even a few normal people, on every political site from the far right to the far left and everything in between, Breitbart being no exception. I’ve cruised through a variety of comment sections on that site, and saved the best and brightest (or worst and darkest, depending on your view of reality).49687728-cached

Here, copy-and-pasted (names omitted), are some things that people decided to type and send out into Breitbartia:

REPEAL Odildocare!  <——‘Odildocare’ is a play on ‘Obamacare.’ The commenter is likening former president Barack Obama to a dildo, a phallic simulacrum used by men and women the world over in place of a real, live penis. –Editor

Just nuke the entire Middle East and be done with this nonsense!   <—–Wouldn’t be able to get oil out of a nuclear wasteland. Oh, and also, innocent people live over there too.  –Editor

Saint Bannon, not Trump, is the heart and soul and mind of the Trump Administration.  <—-Steve hasn’t been canonized. Yet. –Editor

Just think, if Hillary had campaigned in blackface, she might’ve won.     <——Probably not. –Editor

Facebook should be known as Gay Facebook.

(on Scarlett Johansson) She’s not even attractive anymore. She’ll be doing hard core porno in two years with Ashley Judd.   <—–Save that one for Gay Facebook. –Editor

Stop ALL immigration!

I would happily go back to Europe if all the Muslims will go back to Mecca and all the blacks will go back to Africa.             <—–It’s also possible for you to go back to Europe without anyone else leaving. –Editor

That’s why colleges have become retard dens for men: The EFFECTS of Feminism on MEN.          <—–A MAN wrote that comment.  –Editor

Trump is reminding me a bit of what was great about Nixon.        <——Richard Nixon was the only president to resign from office. –Editor

And of course, the anti-Jewish comments:

Those two NY liberal jew rat bastards are nothing but out to destroy old man Trump.

Well, he’s a Jew….what do you expect?

More and more people are coming to the truth about Jews. After all the Bible says even the disciples spoke in whispers for fear of the Jews.

It was the Jews who were chosen as a foil to show the weakness of humanity.

There is only one race and religion causing the entire worlds problems right now and since it seems the entire history of man and it is NOT Islam but Jews as the entire internet and every book on the planet proves.  <—-That’s as good a place as any to wrap this up. –Editor

 

Joe Mauer On Opening Day Win: “That Was Not Twins Baseball”

h7yvwsji2bngl8v6n0o4o3x9k“It’s a long season, you know, and we’re going to right the ship,” millionaire Joe Mauer said today from a hot tub deep in the bowels of Target Field after Monday’s 7-1 season opening victory over the Kansas City Royals.

“Fans know what to expect from us; we’ve lost our last nine season openers. When we take the field, we want them to watch us and say ‘Wow, these guys play like a bunch of peglegs.’ What you saw yesterday was not Twins baseball. We’re going to get the schooner pointed in the correct direction.”

The Minnesota Twins return twenty of twenty five players from last year’s team, which lost 103 games.

“We’ve just got to focus. We’re like a clipper that is going sideways.”

Many in the locker room believe the club can replicate the massive failure of 2016, and then some.

“Talking to the guys on the ‘poop deck,’ which is what I call the locker room, we all came to a general agreement that, as professional ball players raking in all this booty—doubloons, pearls, golden chalices—we owe it to ourselves to really blow that 103 number out of the water. Many of us believe we could be mathematically eliminated from the playoffs just after the All-Star break. Yeeeaaarrrgh,” said Mauer.

When asked if catching the 1962 Mets, a team that lost 120 games, was possible, Mauer had this to say: “We’ve got all these parrots in here. And look, there’s a chest full of gold. While you’re at it, visit Mauer Chevrolet.”

Mauer’s brother has a car dealership.

“International waters, that’s where it’s at, man,” Mauer went on. “Nobody owns the ocean. You can do whatever you want out there,” he said, devilishly petting a parrot that he had corralled.

Mauer was then informed that this article sucked and had wandered hopelessly from any sort of cogent or sensible conclusion.

“I wish to be a pirate,” he said, holding a hand over his face, pretending it was an eye patch.

 

 

The Road To Flavor Country Is Paved With Chicken Nipples

Most fast food chains volumize their meat with chicken nipples, and why not—they’re inexpensive, abundant, and packed with complex layers of flavor. This spongy, cloud-like tissue creates a receptive environment within the meat for a sauce or marinade to fully penetrate its inner fibers. The road to flavor country is paved with chicken nipples.

Which brings us to a long-neglected aspect of this blog: tips for rich, savory, home-style cooking (the art of which I have learned from producing industrial volumes of soup as a peon in a corporate kitchen). I thought I’d make something featuring the chicken nipple as the star of the dish, as it has been hidden in dark, meaty folds for far too long.

And now, without further ado, the recipe reveal:

Minnesota Wild Rice Chicken Nipple Soup

Ingredients

Wild Rice

-Chicken nipples (A note on the nipples: fresh is obviously best. As for acquisition, the chicken from whom you are gathering the nipples should be dead. Some countries (cough, Bolivia, cough) still adhere to nipple harvest traditions which are antiquated and, quite frankly, barbarian. We won’t go into that. In my home kitchen, I use humane methods. So, the most simple way is the lop the chicken’s head off (I like to use a machete and pretend I’m a roided-out Barry Bonds). Once its got no head, that pinche pollo is gonna wanna take off runnin’, and you’re gonna wanna stop that from happenin’. Grab it, and hold it close. Now grasp the headless chicken with one hand, and use the other to drive your knife downwards over the fowl’s anterior pectoralis. Do this quickly, before all the blood spurts out of the giant hole on top of the bird, for you want a little, but not too much engorgement.)

-Stock (After the harvest, you’re going to have an entire chicken (sans nipples) left over. Don’t throw it out. Stick it in a large pot with some carrots and onions, a few herbs, cover with water, and simmer for a few hours.)

It doesn’t really matter what else you put in the soup. You’ve already got chicken nipples, which will enhance anything they come in contact with. And the best thing about teats is their versatility—they’re uniquely delicious whether baked, boiled, grilled, or sautéed.

This soup is perfect for an early spring evening such as this.

And also, you’re welcome.

alternate facts, wings, timelines, and private grabbing

i go away a lot, but i always come back.

november ninth, twenty sixteen: i woke up and thought to myself ‘something’s…..different.’ i soon found that biff tannen had ripped his way through the fourth wall of cinematic fiction and into this supposed reality, regained possession of the futuristic sports almanac, and wrested control of the white house (bob gale, a writer for back to the future II, has acknowledged that the rich, powerful tannen is based on someone who recently became king of America—google that), giving rise to a wave of ‘alts’—facts, wings of the right, and of hunter-s-thompson-for-sheriff-poster_200_200course timelines. within these alternative timelines, expect quite a few of them to legalize pussy grabbing (some in more lawyerly language, some not so much), and in those where a female version of tannen assumes power, an equally degrading form of something called dong conking.

none of that really matters, though. the only thing i ever worry about is me, of course, which is why i have emerged from a months-long hiatus to make it known that i am not fake news. that’s all. i’m expecting many of these alternate timelines to produce executive orders shutting down any and all outlets that do not acknowledge the supreme insight and godliness of our new *rutaceaecean* figurehead of american greatness. so, as of this writing, the official stance of the philosophunculist blog is that america has been made great.

and speaking of biff tannen, was it really so bad that he got to be rich, if only in one timeline? in all three movies, dude gets smothered in poopy, which is what we have to assume is happening to this current commander in chief in every other timeline. just let the guy have one feces-free life, alright?

back to me. this blog is very real. it’s not even news, therefore it can’t be fake news. when the witch hunt for publications of ill repute commences, please don’t censor me. i’ll do anything. grab my pussy (in a timeline where i am a woman). conk my dong (in the timeline where the king is a woman. or even a man. i don’t care. if the masculine king of america wants to conk my dong, i’ll take it. years after this, when i’m homeless because all workers have been replaced by robots and the children and friends of the king, i can tell passersby that the king of america once conked my dong, and they will reward me with a russian ruble.) just let me keep this blog. it’s really all i’ve got, until america achieves an even greater level of greatness and me and everyone i know gets rich from working at our jobs (before the robots take over) because america will be that great

 

*i sort of made that up, but it has a base in rutaceae, which is the citrus family, and i know that doesn’t help my ‘not fake’ spiel, but due to its base on a real word, it can’t be classified as fake*

 

 

Sitting, Standing, and Channel Surfing During the National Anthem

September 14, 2016 2 comments

When I’m watching a sporting event at home I sit on a couch during the national anthem. Sometimes I stand to go use the bathroom. Most of the time I watch something else until the game starts. I know the song is playing, but it’s on a different channel. Does the mere knowledge that the national anthem is playing somewhere require some sort of action?

If you camped outside the house of a pro-stander (or anti-sitter) and played the song continuously would they never sit down?

If you did the same thing at the home of a pro-sitter (or anti-stander), would they never stand up?

If the song is performed acapella using sign language in a forest, does it make a sound?

 

 

 

 

 

 

The People of Trader Joe’s

Browse through People of Walmart for a bit. Pretty scary stuff.

The universe needs balance, though. Enter the yuppies of Trader Joe’s, a force countering the grizzled mass that comprises Walmart’s patronage, not in looks, but in sheer pomposity.

Last Friday, I witnessed a 40-something male, clad in snug, halfway-down-the-quad navy blue short pants and a tight pastel plaid shirt, shaming an elderly woman that may have been his mother, lover—or through some sort of strange sci-fi twist, daughter—for suggesting that they buy frozen corn.

Picture that: unfettered fury, arising from the mere mention of produce stored below thirty two degrees Fahrenheit.

The situation played out like this:

Mother, daughter, or lover: “They have some corn in the freezer.”

Man, through gritted teeth, with a vein protruding from his forehead, talking very slowly: “What did……..I tell you……..about frozen…………………… products.”

Then he stood, glaring at her in silence, as a look of genuine terror overtook the woman’s face.

I feel like I should have intervened, but I got the vibe that this would have earned me a room temperature organic daikon radish stuffed into one of my many unfrozen orifices, courtesy of short pants.

 

A Very Short Story

A man is in a situation where another man produces a smooth object.

Man #1: “That’s as smooth as a baby’s bottom.”

Man #2: “What.”

Man 1: “That object you handed me is as smooth as a baby’s bottom.”

Man 2: “How could you possibly know how smooth a baby’s bottom is.”

Man 1: “I…….just do.”

Man 2: “You shouldn’t know what a baby’s ass feels like. You don’t have kids.”

Man 1: “So?”

Man 2: “Yet you know what the buttocks of an infant feels like.”

Man 1: “Yes, I suppose you could say that.”

Man 2: (Producing a badge) “Freeze, buttwipe. I’m an undercover constable. You’re under arrest.”

Later on, in court, Man 1 was unable to produce a believable explanation as to why he possessed so much knowledge about the topography of baby rumps, and went to jail for a very, very long time. The end.

If #AllLivesMatter, That Means I Can Do Whatever I Want With This Dead Guy, Right?

I recently read on the internet that all lives matter. Read: since only things with lives matter, that automatically means that anything without life, any object lacking that essential élan vital, is second class scum and not worthy of our time. All of this pleases me, ‘cuz I’ve got this dead guy.

This dead guy does not matter one bit. It’s right there in the hashtag. That gives me the go-ahead to really go to town on this corpse. Sex. I didn’t say it. You were thinking it. Anyways, there are a lot of non-sexual things you can do with a worthless body that just wouldn’t fly with a live person. I plan to stab it first. After that, I’m going to throw it off my balcony and see if it explodes on the concrete below.

That’s it. That’s all I want to do with the dead guy.

 

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