I Could Have Been Named What?!

Did you know that my nom de plume for this blog, Michael Cedarwood, was concocted by using the classic porn formula of (middle name) + (street you grew up on)?

But did you also know that like NBA legend Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo, I have more than one middle name? And that I grew up on more than one street? With all those names and all those streets under my belt, the identity of my blogging alter-ego had the potential to swing in many different directions.

I have compiled a list of my other middle names and streets that I grew up on. Let us now take a look at what could have been.

Girth McThickness

Cratch Sacknard

Barb Marbly

Veiny Von Opulent

Hoagie Flundlecrode

Baldy Waxmas

Hairy Crinkleheimer

Crusty Gustaffson

Squirt Terdhurdle

Caspian Vanderhoot

Blimpy Slipplenip

Whiffle Gristlesniff

Squizz Stinkelsteen

Firt Girdle

Berf Girkin

Lactose Jackson (not to be confused with Catfish Jackson)

 

My War On Christmas

Next year, instead of dealing with the whole Christmas gift racket, I’m doing this:

<Tell anyone that might be considering me as a gift recipient to instead write down what they would have bought for me

<I’ll do the same for them

<After sifting through the lists, both sides can decide if they would like any of the potential gifts, and go buy them if they want

<I don’t want stuff and I don’t like to shop, so I will end up buying nothing

<I will save a lot of time and money

<Others will save time and money too, unless they want to buy themselves a bunch of stuff that I wrote down

 

 

Things Only Nine-Fingered Gluten-Free People Will Understand

—->you once stuck your finger in a carny’s mouth because you didn’t think he had any teeth

—->you once dug around in a carny’s mouth searching for a finger

—->you once punched a carny in the face until his teeth fell out

—->you once used a broken beer bottle to slice open the stomach of a toothless carny

—->you once brought your own nibbled-up, chewing tobacco and stomach juice-soaked finger to the hospital, where you were told it could not be reattached

—->you once were in a hospital examination room, looking at the stump that used to be your left pointer finger, while a doctor told you that you were morbidly obese

—->now you’re gluten free, because that will help, just like Atkins, essential oils, watching Dr. Phil, owning one eight pound dumbbell, and taking the top part of the bun off your Arby’s roast beef sandwich did.

Fun Game: Indie Band or Kentucky Derby Horse?

Topical humor time: I compiled a list of indie band names and monikers of horses that have participated in the Kentucky Derby over its 141 year run. It is up to you to guess whether each following group of words identifies a band, a horse, or a Band of Horses (that one is a band). Now, I present to you the list:

I Don’t Know If I Should Cry Or Fart

I Would Have No Problem Shooting A Kitten In The Face

Slovakian Bubble Bath

I Am A Horse That Has Raced In The Kentucky Derby

This One Is A Band Name

The Annexation Of Puerto Rico

Sentient Toilet

The Courtroom Doll That Is Used As A Device For People To Point Out Where The Bad Man Touched Them

Cassandra Morningfart

Why Is A Midget Slapping Me With A Stick

There you have it. Think you did well? Read on, and award yourself one point for each correct answer.

I Don’t Know If I Should Cry Or Fart—This one is neither a horse nor a band. My friend Ryan said it one time.

I Would Have No Problem Shooting A Kitten In The Face—Another trick question. My other friend Jeremy once said this.

Slovakian Bubble Bath—This also is not an animal or a group of humans. It is a despicable act my pal Brad made up, involving fellatio and flatulence in a tub filled with water!

I Am A Horse That Has Raced In The Kentucky Derby—The name implies this is a horse that has raced in the Kentucky Derby. In reality, it is just something I typed.

This One Is A Band Name—This one is NOT a band name. How many have you gotten right so far? I’m shooting 100 percent.

The Annexation Of Puerto Rico—This was a trick play used by football-playing children in the 1994 film Little Giants.

Sentient Toilet—Can you imagine if toilets became self-aware? Wouldn’t that be terrible? And getting back on track, also not equine or musical in nature.

The Courtroom Doll That Is Used As A Device For People To Point Out Where The Bad Man Touched Them—This is a doll that lawyers hold up to people and ask “Where did the bad man touch you? Point to the corresponding area on this doll,” not a horse or a band.

Cassandra Morningfart—This is what shows up on my cellular telephone when my girlfriend, Cassandra Morningfart, calls me.

Why Is A Midget Slapping Me With A Stick—This is something that horses in the Kentucky Derby wonder. There are also people in indie bands that ask themselves this question. Sometimes people in indie bands get slapped with sticks by midgets.

Now give yourself one point for each correct answer.

0-4 points: You don’t know shit about indie bands or the Kentucky Derby!

5-9 points: Impressive, but you are still not very good at knowing things about horses and bands.

10 points: You are me.

 

Ten Things Only People Who Had A Wart On The Side Of Their Left Foot In The Early ’00s Will Understand

1. Mac’n’cheese is the best. Because of what you have lived through, no one will ever understand this quite the way you do!

2. Bacon. Right? LOL!

3. You like the word ‘awesomesauce,’ you call anything without gluten ‘G-free,’ and you greet people by saying ‘Wasabi, kemosabe?’ If you agree with any of the previous sentence, you did not really have a wart on the side of your left foot in the early ’00s. You fell into a trap laid by the superior intellect only a person that had a wart on the left side of their foot in the early ’00s could possess.

4. You have a friend that tried to get a wart just like yours, but during his quest, he ended up getting his foot chomped off by an alligator. And then his entire leg. Followed by his midsection, heart, and head. You watched the entire thing happen, but didn’t do anything, because, well, wart.

5. You enjoy reading lists about warts and wart-related issues.

6. You have taken an online quiz about what city you should really live in, but still live in the city you’ve always lived in.

7. You become irritated when people post lists about having a wart on the bottom of their right foot in the ’90s. Or worse yet, the army of aged husks from the ’60s that yap on and on about how great sac warts were back then. You won’t hear it. These people all suck, because they have not experienced what you have. Having a wart on the side of your left foot in the early ’00s was the quintessential wart-having experience, and anyone that says otherwise has warts that are dumb, and also very, very stupid.

8. You have purchased anti-wart cream.

9. You have shamed, belittled, and badgered anyone who doesn’t believe warts are beautiful, because, after having a wart on your left foot, YOUR opinion is the correct one, and if someone doesn’t share your perception of beauty, they are a body-shaming bully.

10. Overweight people with warts are disgusting.

One Man Proves He Can Write For Upworthy. You’ll Never Believe How.

The folks over at Upworthy love to bait people. They’re masters of the practice. They are baiting masters. Me, I’ve never fell for the ploy. Still, their talent for baiting cannot be ignored. Upworthy is wildly popular, and it is taking over my Facebook feed. I want a piece of the cheese.

I can bait with the best of ’em. When you read these headlines I’ve created, your life will change. Even more than after reading an Upworthy article:

—This woman just bought her eighth cat. Think she cray? There’s just one problem: the cats are the only thing keeping her from committing suicide. Now you’re the dick for judging her.

—This teenage dropout is a loser who will never amount to anything. Except that he isn’t a loser, and he will amount to everything.

—A woman grew out her leg hair for her dying husband. As it turns out, she was the one who died. But not because of the reasons you think.

—One man didn’t flush his toilet for 23 years. When you find out why, you will accept gay marriage.

—You’ve probably never shit your pants. Read this. Now look in your pants. They’re full of shit. Find out how.

—A blind owl stole his owner’s wallet and proved that money isn’t everything. It’s just one thing. Find out what.

—A tween changes an entire junior high’s view of body image stereotypes. Click to find out how she lives without lungs, bones, or an endocrine system.

—This man found something in his beard. Something that will make you weep with joy. And horniness.

—One racist educator who lived a life of privilege goes through a series of tragic events and finds herself teaching a classroom full of inner city youth. My jaw dropped when it didn’t involve rap music.

—This video proves that free will exists. Watch it.

—The media tells us to look like Hollywood celebrities. This morbidly obese woman isn’t having it—she shows us why it’s okay to gorge on fast food and not exercise and then get angry when a thin person who works out and eats vegetables is complimented.

—He escaped a life in porn. But he went back, because it was better than normal life. We don’t need to tell you why.

—This pedophile was able to re-imprint his sexual attractions. By working overnights at the zoo. By working overnights alone at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages with the security cameras turned off at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages with the security cameras turned off at the zoo and do we still need to be doing this? Don’t you get it? He’s having sex with the monkeys. Don’t bother reading the article. You will learn NOTHING. You will forget about it before you’ve finished reading it. New headline: Upworthy writer blows his brains out. You won’t believe why (I was saving this one for when I quit).

 

 

 

I Was Gone For A Little Bit. I’m Back Now.

I’ve been out of the blogosphere for a few weeks, but I’ve been doing stuff:

—I gave three cans of beans to a food shelter. I am now part of the solution.

—I travelled.

—I came back.

—I was undercharged at a Subway in Lusk, Wyoming, and didn’t tell them because the service sucked.

—I was overcharged at a liquor store in Mounds View, Minnesota, and I did tell them because the total came to over $8,000 for a six pack.

—I met a woman at an Arby’s in Kearney, Nebraska, who believed South Dakota was an exciting state to visit.

—I went through South Dakota, and wanted to drive off a cliff after passing the 257th sign for Wall Drug. BUT THERE WERE NO CLIFFS.

—Then there were cliffs, in the western part. I decided to boycott Wall Drug instead.

—In the mountains of Colorado, I urinated in a tributary of Clear Creek, the water source of the Coors Brewery.

—I drank a beer infused with bull testicles. This beer: Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout.

From beerpulse.com

—I drank a beer named after Kurt Vonnegut, using a recipe from his maternal grandfather. This beer: Kurt’s Mile High Malt.

From wynkoop.com

That’s it.

 

 

Ten Things People Love About Lists

1: You love lists. This is a list.

2: You can share this list on Facebook, or Twitter, or Tumblr, to let everyone know that you have read a list, and that you want them to read the same list.

3: This list connects with you in some deep way, it confirms a belief you hold, or it talks about your childhood. It really does.

4: You would someday like to make a list of your own, but this list listed all the things you could ever dream of listing. Now you have more free time to read lists.

5: After you say ‘list’ a lot, it begins to sound like it’s not really a word.

6: If there were a top ten list of the top ten lists, this list would be included.

7: This top ten list is unique in that it only contains seven items.