Hard, Orange Scat For Sale

Donald Trump was in Minneapolis last Thursday. We’ve all seen the footage of him boarding AF1 with toilet paper stuck to his shoe, which means that his bowels were most likely active while here in Minnesota.

As a novelist who has never sold a novel, I saw a way to diversify my revenue stream.

So down into the sanitary infrastructure I went. I knew it wouldn’t be easy wading through the poo of a metropolis, but I need money, and there are worse jobs out there. Plus my writing desk is next to a litter box, so the sewer acted as a catalyst for my creative juices, which began flowing much like the feculent sludge all around me.

I knew I could very well come up with nothing, but I had to try. And I’m glad I did, because after only ten minutes in those tubes, I found what I was looking for:

Trump Nugget

It’s exactly what it looks like, folks. A Trump Nugget.

There is absolutely no question that this pile of feces came out of Donald Trump’s anus. Just look at it—the color, the texture—well you can’t feel it, but believe me, it’s as dry and scratchy as DT’s weathered hide.

So to everyone out there in the #MAGA crowd, this little guy is for sale. I’m seeing that Make America Great Again hats are going for 25 bucks on the official website, and those have never even been inside of Donald Trump.

One hundred dollars, OBO. I am also willing to trade for Trump Steaks, which is probably what this poop started out as.