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Top Ten Ways I Am Going To Be Better Than Facebook

I’ve decided that I would like to be rich. I recently discovered that this Zuckerberg fellow seems to have billions of dollars, all because of this Facebook thing. So I’m gunna gets me sum of dat. Fatten my Hammy Stack if you know what I mean. (A Hammy is a ten dollar bill.) To live my dream of becoming a rich person, I am in the process of creating a website that will be more popular than Facebook, thus propelling me into the stratosphere of billionaire-ism. Here are the Top Ten ways I am going to make my site better than Facebook.

It's all about the Hamiltons baby.

10. I obviously can’t call it Facebook. That one is taken. So what would be better than Facebook? Well, how about instead of just a face, why not the entire body? You simply can’t judge a person just based on their face, you wanna get a glimpse of the body to see what kind of action they have goin’ on. And instead of an entire book, why not condense it into a pamphlet of some sort? Facebook, meet your new nemesis: BodyPamphlet.com. Nervous, Zuckerberg?

9. Allow nudity. My policy has always been, I’m comfortable with my body, and if I want to show it to people, I should be able to. No one is forcing you to look at it.

8. Instead of being constricted to writing on someone’s “wall,” in the Body Pamphlet world you would get an entire  “building.” You would be able to enter into other people’s “buildings” so that you can “use their bathroom,” or “try on their clothes,” or “help yourself to a snack from their refrigerator.” And you could probably leave a Post-It note or something to let them know you were there.

7. I would probably combine some elements of Twitter into there as well. For instance, instead of “tweeting,” you would “cackle.”  Every time you “cackled,” a loud “ca-CAW, ca-CAW!” would blast through the speakers of everyone logged into the site at that time. It would be like you’re out in the forest, yet you would still be inside the comfort of your “building!”

6. Instead of having “friends,” I would probably just call it “People You Have Met Before.” Nobody actually has 500 friends.

5. People who constantly “cackle” about their emotions or other buzz-killing updates like “So stressed. Why does the world hate me? FML!” will be penalized by having a fun little animated guy known as “The World’s Tiniest Violinist” saunter across their screen, serenading them with the depressing music that they deserve.

4. That’s actually all I really have.

3. Maybe I’ll think of something more later.

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Blong. Who’s ready for some Polish Jazz from the 70’s?!

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