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Beard Man Begins

I look out my window at night. I see a disgusting mosaic of depravity in the streets below. The effluvium of crime threads its way through the community I know and love. Police can’t be trusted. No government agency can. That’s why I send all my mail through the Trystero. Sometimes, an ol’ fashioned vigilante has to put his or her foot down and extinguish all the riff-raff. Beard Man is that vigilante. But do not compare him to Batman. In fact, he is the absolute antithesis of Batman — where Bruce Wayne is a billionaire hiding behind a synthetic mask, Beard Man is poor, and he grew his mask. Here is the first installment of what looks to be a riveting series (it’s easier to read if you click on it):

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Band Names Plus a Bonus Prelude – The Rue of the Average-Sized Man

Since the dawn of recorded Time, or at least ever since the first smart-ass propped himself up on his hind legs, people have been giving other people crap. You know the drill — acne, irritable bowel syndrome, that lazy eye you’ve been meaning to take care of, clinical grade halitosis, morbid obesity — the list rages on. And the nicknames that accompany these afflictions — s**thead, d**ckwad, a**sbreath, Puppy Nugget Bag, f*****eyed******face****with-soggy-underwear-and-c**k-for-brains. We’ve all been called all of these names at least hundreds of times. Some people have kids that really suck. Yet we carry on. Anyways I think there was a point to this. Ah yes. You all may remember Big Limm, Freemont, Nebraska’s #1-selling rapper. You don’t? You know, the guy with rhymes so raw that they gotta be cooked first? Internal temperature of 165 degrees? Almost 60 copies sold in one weekend (now that’s called moving product, son!)? Well he was mentioned in one of the early days of this very Blog.  Anyways, I know someone named Slim(I call him Slimminy Cricket), who is…………wait for it………………….just about there…………………very thin. And I used to know a guy named Big J, who was, for all intents and purposes, a very big guy. But then I meet this character going around calling himself Big Limm. I get a good look, and I’m like, he’s really not that big. But he’s also not small enough for it to be one of those ironic nicknames, like your ugly friend that everyone calls Pretty Boy. And I began to think, there is a severe lack of good names for average sized people. I’m sure he didn’t want to be called Proportionate Limm, or Healthy Weight for My Height Limm, bad-ass as they may sound. So it was recently changed to simply, J-Limm. What are people who aren’t really big or really little to do? Waft through life with their noses to the air, pretending that the lack of a pretentious moniker doesn’t bother them? Quite frankly it’s their problem, I solved it for myself by going out and creating a genius apellation, YoungCleanLegit (opposite of Ol’Dirty Bastard for the hundreds of new daily readers). I was hoping to somehow tie that in with this next Band Names segment, but it’s really hard for me to do stuff. So here are more crappy/awesome band names. They are all stolen from the website of a publication that is now dead to me. So I don’t feel bad. As usual, there’s probably some naughty language used. Hehe!!!

-Poofinger        -Bonerama         -Brutal Dildos       -MC Vagina       -The Clit Rippers

-Genital Hercules        -The Poontang Wranglers       -Public Display of Funk

-National Ass Groovin Association    -Guns N’Rosa Parks            -Tom Cruise Control

-Honkeytonk Homeslice    -Nitrous Foxide      -Fecal Corpse      -Maggot Twat

-Corpse Vomit       -16 Bitch Pile-Up   (favorite)       -Fuck Start Your Face

-TwoDeadSluts OneGoodFuck (I have no words)        -Super Fucking Judo Flip

-Sh-Sh-Sh Shark Attack!         -Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza

-The Busiest Bankruptcy Lawyers in Minnesota    -Dave Coulier & The Cut It Outs

-We Will Eat Rats to Survive    -David Copperfuck     -Sexhawk    -The God Damn Doo Wop Band

-Here Comes Old Vodka Tits      -You Ruined Christmas

-Sorry About Your Couch (the name seemed a bit too topical be around for longer than a week, but they actually lasted for about 5 years)

-Instant Asshole         -Gay Beast        -The House That Gloria Vanderbilt

Today’s Blong is a blatant rip-off from Louis’ Blog. But when I heard this song I was like “AWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

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