Archive

Posts Tagged ‘minnesota vikings’

Force Adrian Peterson To ‘Switch’ His Name

September 30, 2014 1 comment

The recent Adrian Peterson controversy is one with many possible angles and viewpoints. Is it okay to beat a four-year-old child with a switch and rip open his scrotum if it is going to make him behave? We’ll never know. Is it okay to beat a 29-year-old man with a stick and puncture his nugget pouch for tearing into a four-year-old’s gonad bag? There is no scientific answer.

But the most disturbing question of all is this: why has no one offered up a proposal that would force the NFL star to change his name to Adrian Beat-his-son? It shames him, it’s a fun play on his real name, and the NFL would make even more money when Vikings fans have to re-buy updated number 28 ‘Beathisson’ jerseys.

All I’m asking is for the government and NFL to give some good old fashioned public humiliation a shot.

Advertisements

The Minnesota Vikings Could Make History

I hope the Vikings lose the rest of their games. Here’s why:

/1/ I don’t care (emotionally) about sports.

/2/ I derive a sick, twisted pleasure from observing sports fans get sad about millionaires losing at a game.

And, #/3/, the most interesting reason of all: The ‘1’ from the current 1-6 record came against the Pittsburgh Steelers at Wembley Stadium in London. So, this season, the Minnesota Vikings are undefeated outside America. Inside America, they are winless. Has any team ever been so dominant in one country and so impotent in another? That’s gotta be some sort of record.

Thousands Of Minnesotans Angry At Purple-Clad Man For Sucking At Throwing A Ball

September 10, 2013 4 comments

From the Sports Desk:

This past Sunday, thousands of Minnesotans let the impotent performance of a man in tight purple clothing ruin their day. For some, the baffling emotional connection to fully mature adults toting a piece of dead animal over lines painted on grass is so strong that their mental health will be in jeopardy for the entire week, and most likely the next four months.

“Ponder will be lucky if he turns out to be an average quarterback. He’s inconsistent. He frequently underthrows receivers,” said Teddy Bloat, a man whose most recent job performance review contained the phrases “below average,” “inconsistent,” and “frequently underperforms.”

Roger Mexico, an obese man who resides in Minneapolis, believes he could do better. “Put me out there, even I could hit Jennings in stride,” he claimed. “Terry—think fast!” Mexico shouted as he threw a small rubber ball at his friend across the room, who was completely and utterly stationary in a recliner. The ball bounced off the wall four feet above Terry’s head, hit a plate of nachos on the coffee table, scattering the popular snack everywhere, and finally settled under the couch next to a similar sphere that had come to rest there two years ago when Mexico was comparing his abilities to those of Donovan McNabb’s.

“I thought they said he was smart. He’s no smarter than a steaming pile of octogenarian,” said Laszlo Jamf, who works as a low-level data entry clerk deep in the bowels of a large corporation. “It’s funny, because ‘octogenarian’ literally means ‘octopus shit.’ So what I’m saying is that Ponder has less intelligence than the fecal matter of a cephalopod.”

Kurt Mondaugen, a German mystic, had this to say: “I think what we learned from this article is that everyone, everywhere, is good at their job, and everyone who isn’t that person sucks at their job.”

Adios, Vikingos!

The Minnesota Vikings have wrapped up another season. The year-end analysis:
I’m thankful that a group of grown men in tights trying to carry part of a dead animal across a chalk line doesn’t affect my emotions.

 

 

 

waltbox

humor | musings | fiction

Little Fears

Tales of whimsy, humor and courgettes

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple

Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

createdbyrcw

Seer of the invisible, scribe of the unwritten

Regie's Blog

The pen is mightier than the sword ...unless someone is trying to stab you with a sword. Then, it's the sword ...definitely the sword.

Idiot Joy Showland

This is why I hate intellectuals

Cooking Without Limits

Food Photography & Recipes

Dalton's Magazine

Spanning the world with pieces of think

Jess is peachy

I'm usually okay, but sometimes i'm alright.

ROAMIN' GNOMIALS

Empowered by guys in short pants to write whatever I want, whenever I want, for no money whatsoever.

Highest Form of Whit

Bigger. Bolder. Bloggier.*

Suzie Speaks

The Adventures Of a Thirty-Something Life

Duh'Merica

This is Duh'Merica and we are all screwed......

The Brown Road Chronicles

Stories about country living, old houses, dirt roads, fresh air and other amusing (and possibly even inspirational) anecdotes!

a comedian's notebook

taking comedy seriously, but not too seriously

Still Skeptical After All These Years

Jim Wheeler - Rational Skeptic

The Shameful Sheep

shit storms, shame, and stories that make you cringe

%d bloggers like this: