A Multi-Layered Taco Dip Of A Joke

Taken from thedugoutreport.com

I’m sitting here watching the MLB All Star Game. Joe Buck’s forehead, which is somehow simultaneously advancing up over his scalp and down into his face, raping and pillaging any hair or sensory organs that cross its path, gave me the idea for a joke.

It will amuse nature lovers.

Sports fans might get it.

It incorporates the ancient art of rhyme.

The very masculinity of Buck himself is brought into question.

Sports, nature, poetry, and machismo in a delicious multi-layered taco dip of a joke. Here goes:

Joe Buck? More like Joe Doe!

I never said the joke would be funny. I’m very sorry.

Bird Problems

Does anyone out there possess knowledge of bird digestive systems? I’m pretty sure the one that lives on my balcony has diarrhea. Normally, they leave small, white, circular marks that easily wash away with any rainfall. Lately, there are giant chunky piles with residual splatter that travels up to three feet.

I’ve already pumped a few worms full of Pepto and left them in a dish near the nest. The projectile shatting only seemed to intensify after that.

Help! I don’t know what to do!

The Ash-Sucking Umbrella Device That Will Save Earth

This person I know recently informed me it wanted to move as far away from Wyoming as it could within the next 10-20 years. The reason? The supervolcano that rests beneath Yellowstone Park.

If that thing blows, the ash blocks out the sun and we all die. Supposedly.

Of course, paranoia causes irrational fears.

We’ll be just fine, I said, because it’s an easy problem to prevent. Behold, the Ash-Sucking Umbrella Device:

From the diagram, you can see that the contraption is composed in a tapering pine-tree shape, with big ash-sucking umbrella things on the bottom to catch the initial blast. As you go up, there are smaller vacuums to catch what the bottom ones missed.

The option of another design also arose, which was basically the same shape, only upside down: with the large suckers on top, and smallest on bottom, in order to fit in with the above design like a jigsaw puzzle. However, my mathematics informed me something like that would be far too top heavy, and much more difficult to construct.

Further calculations only bolstered the fact that the big-on-bottom-littler-on-top schematic, utilized in large volume around the caldera of the potential extinction event, would catch enough ash to save the human race.

To cover the middle, we simply send up drones, which I have not yet sketched up, that look like manatee-sized Dustbusters.

Once all the ash has been contained, we then look to our final device, a reverse volcano:

This serves one purpose, which is to simply dispose of all that ash by shooting it back down where it came from.

Now we can all sit back and actually look forward to when Yellowstone erupts*.

*One side note, even if this somehow doesn’t work, I will have already become rich for inventing all of these devices, so I will end up as some post-apocalyptic prince-tycoon, and be able to live wherever the ‘privileged’ people end up.

Thrush Limbaugh

A Thrush Limbaugh in its native habitat.

A Thrush Limbaugh egg hatching.