Posts Tagged ‘onion’

Joe Mauer: “My Favorite Part Of Life In The Big Leagues Is Shower Time”

September 24, 2012 1 comment

In a recent interview conducted in Target Field’s locker room shower, Joe Mauer, Minnesota’s veritable Golden Boy, revealed that his favorite part of being in the big leagues isn’t the money, fame, or even the fact that he plays a child’s game for a living.

“It’s definitely showering,” Mauer said with a devilish grin. “Taking a nice cold post-game shower is just as important as stretching pre-game. But not too cold, this guy knows what I’m talking about!” he exclaimed as he tickled Justin Morneau under the chin as if he were a cat.

This may come as a surprise to fans, many of whom often fantasize about life as a ball player.

“Really? He said showering?” replied one morbidly obese man who faithfully attends every home game at Target Field. “A guy I used to work with told me the players get as many left-over hot dogs from the night before as they want. It seems like that would be the best part. Hold on, hey! HEY!! Well thanks a pant-load, you made me miss the cotton candy man.”

The shower, not the field, according to Mauer, is where individuals truly become a team.

“The shower is where the team really comes together. Heck, just the other day I helped Gardy scrub a couple spots on his back that he couldn’t reach. Then I reminded him to eat plenty of Kemps dairy products to keep his bones strong. I wouldn’t want him slipping and breaking a wrist in there.”

Although not prompted to, Mauer continued to wax rhapsodic about his love of showering.

“Even on an off day I’ll call a team meeting, just to get everyone together. I learned as a rookie that no one feels the need to shower after a meeting, so now I get there a couple minutes early and really crank up the heat in the conference room. Half an hour in that sucker, and all the guys are dying to strip down and run some Head and Shoulders through their sweaty hair.”

When asked about the team’s prospects for next year, Mauer had this to say: “We’ve got some really talented guys coming up. But they’ve got a lot of things to learn, like discipline and patience. I recently drove my Chevrolet down to Rochester to scout them out. A lot of these guys are only spending five, six, seven minutes showering after the game. So I got in there and educated them on what it’s like in a real big league shower environment. You know, the importance of a good, frothy lather, keeping a nice wide stance to avoid slipping, and teamwork. It always comes back to teamwork.”

At the conclusion of the interview, Mauer turned off the water, slapped a few teammates on the ass, and yelled “Last one to the towel rack has to rub everyone else dry!”

Tampa Area Hookers Getting Ready For Upcoming Republican National Convention

TAMPA, FL — The Republican National Convention is set to kick off this coming Monday, and with it will come a substantial boost for local businesses. Restaurants, hotels, and especially hookers are preparing for the financial spike that comes with any national gathering.

“This will definitely be the busiest we’ve been in years,” replied a local hussy.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how excited we are. It’s times like this when you can really show how valuable you are to your whoremonger,” said another filthy woman of the night.

This reporter, curious as to just how much money the convention will infuse into the economy, found a few prostitutes who had already consorted with some early arrivers to Tampa. Their comments:

“As opposed as they are to using public money to fund schools or art programs for kids, they really have no problem at all throwing their personal money down at the clip of $3,000 an hour so they can strangle me and tell me I’m worthless. It’s very noble.”

“One guy gave me 500 bucks to sit quietly while he read an erotic poem he wrote about Reagan.”

“A congressman from Texas gave me more than he pays his Mexican housekeeper in a year just for me to watch him pee.”

“A group of city councilmen from Kentucky pooled their money together, probably enough to put an underprivileged inner-city kid through a few years of college, and threw empty whiskey bottles at me while I did the Macarena.”

The influx of cash will be much appreciated by the army of harlots. However, if the second law of thermodynamics is any indicator, with every boom, an equalizing bust will follow. While the hookers will all be bringing home the proverbial bacon, Tampa is expected to fall into a mini-recession following the convention, due to the uninhabitable cesspool it will become. Enclosed spaces all over town, like closets, public bathrooms, back seats of taxis, etc., will all have to be roped off and hosed down by scores of workers in hazmat suits.

“Frankly, I’m not sure if our sewer system is going to be able to handle the extraordinary volume of bodily fluids that will soon bombard it. My best advice for residents would be this: head for the highlands, and check the city’s website for updates on when it’s safe to return. May God have mercy on us all,” warned a high-ranking Tampa official.

On a side note, the enormous profits reaped by the multitudes of floozies are expected to form a sort of “trickle-down” effect within the greater Tampa area. Manufacturers of high-end stilettos, experimental herpes-taming pharmaceuticals, and crack are all expected to benefit from the brief explosion of capital into the flesh industry.

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