Lord Voldemort Originally Created By Ayn Rand To Be The Fountainhead Of Objectivism

Ayn Rand’s ideal man.

THE LITERARY COMMUNITY—J.K. Rowling recently confessed to plagiarizing a large portion of her Harry Potter series from a manuscript she discovered in Ayn Rand’s tomb, titled The Virtue of Voldemort. The nearly 8,000 page draft, unfinished at the time of Rand’s death in 1982, was to be the story of Tom Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, a supremely talented individualistic wizard and the ultimate hero of Objectivist philosophy.

J.K. Rowling admitted that she raided Rand’s black marble tomb in search of the manuscript, a mythical book which until now was only rumored to exist, much in the same way Lord Voldemort acquired the Elder Wand from the white marble tomb of the deceased Albus Dumbledore.

According to Rowling, the original text portrayed Lord Voldemort as the protagonist, personifying the ideals of Objectivist philosophy, with Harry Potter cast as a communist degenerate who unselfishly took the lives and feelings of others into consideration during his time at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Previous heroes of Objectivism include Howard Roark, a rapist; Henry Rearden, an adulterer; Ragnar Danneskjöld, a pirate who robbed the poor and gave back to the rich; and a variety of other grown human beings who acted like that one kid you knew growing up who would steal the ball and run off when the game didn’t go his way, ruining the fun for everyone.

After vilifying Voldemort, Rowling took other extensive creative liberties with Rand’s version of events, most notably flipping the main theme of the story around, and making a hero of Harry Potter.

A journal of handwritten notes by Rand, found with the newly discovered tome, highly contradict the spirit of Harry Potter we all know and love and dream about today:

Character sketch of Harry Potter, the half-blooded commie hypocrite asshole, by me, the greatest writer ever, Ayn Rand.

–Potter spends the first ten years of his life living, for free, off of pure generosity from the Dursleys, who owed him NOTHING, yet were kind enough to take him in after his parents dared defy the greatest wizard ever to live, Lord Voldemort. He then expects to be treated as an equal to their son, Dudley.

-Potter yearns to become an Auror, and one day work for the Ministry of Magic, an institution hell-bent on stifling innovators like Lord Voldemort, whose only crime is being unique and perfect and hot and sexy and powerful and I would let him do ANYTHING to me.

-Potter jacks a bank. This would be okay, but instead of stealing from lazy gross poor people who could stand to learn the value of not being lazy and gross and poor, he attempts to seize a goblet from the Lestranges, a wealthy family who were smart enough to be born of pure wizarding blood. Hell no you di’int, Harry.

-Potter shares a large amount of his gold to fund the poverty-stricken Weasley twins’ joke shop. Gold he acquired by winning a contest in which his rival was supposedly ‘murdered’ by Voldemort, conveniently leaving Potter as the victor. Gold that shouldn’t be shared, because no one should share anything with anyone because we all have our own crap to deal with and everyone should be selfish dicks and not help other people because only look out for yourself and no one else and I’m Ayn Rand and powerful men can bone anyone they want because they’re men and they’re powerful and that’s hot and what woman wouldn’t want to be boned by a powerful man and poor people are poor because they just can’t be as good as rich people and they never bothered to learn words like ‘opulent’ and ‘ostentatious’ like I did so I’m better than homeless people I really am because I’m Ayn Rand and everyone could be rich if they wanted but they suck too much at being selfish so only selfish people get to be happy.

The notes go on like this for hundreds of pages, Rowling reported.

Rowling omitted nearly all scenes involving He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, including a disturbing rant that Rand called in her notes ‘the greatest love tableau ever painted,’ which Rowling confirmed was a 75-page God-forsaken hellbroth of pent-up lust between Voldemort and Dolores Umbridge in which quote ‘Tom’s snaky, bone-white body stood quivering before her chubbiness, a chubbiness that suggested a life of indulgence, a life she deservedly took from the mouths of the looters and altruistic.’ (Editor’s note—that’s really how Rand wrote)

Truly disgusting stuff.

Lonely disciples of Rand, who have no friends, have criticized Rowling’s modified tale for reducing Voldemort to an incompetent hack who couldn’t even kill a baby, while normal people generally enjoy the story of Harry Potter.

 

 

The Literary Lounge: The Stranger, by Albert Camus

Don’t judge a book by its title. There in the library I stood, flummoxed, wondering why I never knew that the French absurdist had written a book on the popular move known as ‘The Stranger.’

From what some guy, no, some girl told me, a really hot girl to be honest, I think she was a model actually, ‘The Stranger’ is a tactic where you sit on your hand to cut off the blood flow, inducing a tingly, numb sensation. Then you use that hand to touch your, well, you can touch whatever you want with it, and the experience is not unlike that of a ‘stranger’ fondling you.

How could Camus possibly write an entire novel on this (what I have heard from very attractive women, but never, ever experienced myself) gratifying act?

Unless there were arcane metaphors that went way over my head, he didn’t. I burned right through this thing, the anticipation growing with every page, waiting to be slapped with the titular maneuver. Over 80% of the way through, I was ready to give up, until I recalled Moby Dick rarely appears in the novel that bears his name.

Turns out The Stranger is about a man who kills a stranger. Kind of a letdown.

 

Book Review—Philosophy: 100 Essential Thinkers, by Philip Stokes

In the world of Philip Stokes, from somewhere around 620BC, up until the 2003 publication date of this book, there have existed 100 people whose thought processes have shaped humankind.

Of those 100 people, 98% have been male. Of those 98 men, 100% have been white. (To the interested reader: the remaining 2% were white females, Mary Wollstonecraft and Simone de Beauvoir).

Since this book is an exploration of nitpicking philosophers, let’s take a look and see if Philip Stokes and his idea of what constitutes ‘essential thinking’ is prejudiced.

On the one hand, while predominantly showcasing the internal workings of white men, the choices of Stokes could be pegged as a sexist, racist, and a number of other ‘ists.

On the other hand, we could say that the color and genitalia of those forming the thoughts doesn’t matter.

Maybe Stokes pored through the work of hundreds of individuals, sex and race unknown, picked the most essential, and nearly all of them happened to be white men. It’s like flipping a coin: every time is a 50-50 shot. However, this equates to Stokes flipping a coin 100 times and hitting heads 98 of them, not to mention that each instance of heads had an option of multiple colors, and each one turned up white as pure, uncut baking soda. Interesting.

It could also be argued that Stokes loves the philosophy of Asian men (or Somalian women, Slovakian hermaphrodites, anything other than white people, really*), and this book was his attempt to branch out and showcase the beliefs of a people whom he hates.

Or Stokes actually is a backward-thinking white supremacist, and this is simply his way of telling the world.

It’s philosophy! We’ll never be 100% sure! Soft science at its best.

*I would give some examples of actual people, but I don’t know any because the book DIDN’T NAME A SINGLE ONE!!!!

Here’s a List of the Books I Read in 2013

Adams, Douglas—Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (1987)

Boortz, Neal & Linder, John—The FairTax Book (2005)

Brown, Dan—Angels & Demons (2000)

Burroughs, William S.—The Ticket That Exploded (1962)

Cameron, Julia—The Artist’s Way (1992)

Colum, Padraic—Nordic Gods and Heroes (1920)

DeLillo, Don—White Noise (1985), Mao II (1991)

Dick, Philip K.—The Divine Invasion (1981)

Gallwey, W. Timothy—The Inner Game of Tennis (1974)

Geary, Rick—The Lives of Sacco and Vanzetti (2011)

Gerrold, David—Worlds of Wonder: How to Write Science Fiction & Fantasy (2001)

Gray, Frank—Scoremanship (1969)

Hawking, Stephen—The Theory of Everything (1996)

Hodgkinson, Tom—How to be Idle: A Loafer’s Manifesto (2005)

Hughes, Jonnie—On The Origin Of Tepees: The Evolution Of Ideas (And Ourselves) (2011)

Karnazes, Dean—Run! (2011)

Macdonald, Ross—The Moving Target (1949)

Marx, Karl (and Friedrich Engels)—The Communist Manifesto (1848)

Mieville, China—Embassytown (2011)

Moore, Alan—The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (1999)

O’Brien, Flann—At Swim-Two-Birds (1939)

Palast, Greg—The Best Democracy Money Can Buy (2002)

Pynchon, Thomas—V. (1963), Slow Learner (1984), Gravity’s Rainbow (1973)

Rand, Ayn—The Virtue of Selfishness (1964)

Vonnegut, Kurt—The Sirens of Titan (1959), Cat’s Cradle (1963)

Watts, Alan—Tao: The Watercourse Way (1975)

Watts, Peter—Starfish (1999), Maelstrom (2001)

Wells, Dan—I Am Not a Serial Killer (2010)

Wendig, Chuck—Blackbirds (2012)

Wilson, Robert Anton—Cosmic Trigger: The Final Secret of the Illuminati (1977)

What If The Beatles Weren’t The Beatles?

Free will vs. destiny. Nature vs. nurture. Anarchy vs. order. Is the ‘real’ world actually a dream, and the dream world ‘real’ life? Could an all-powerful deity create a rock too heavy for itself to lift? If Joseph Swan had not invented the modern incandescent light bulb, would someone else have figured it out, or would you be reading this blog by candlelight, or whatever illuminating device had been invented (or not) in lieu of the candle? Would you rather be beaten to dead, bloody shards in front of everyone you know by a pansexual street tough named Rocco in the alley behind a skin bar, or be eaten and digested by a wildebeest horde in deepest Africa, while your fate forever remains a mystery to your loved ones?

Volumes have been written by history’s most probing thinkers on these subjects. And now, another great question to heap up onto the proverbial philosophical pile (an interesting side note regarding piles: when does a pile cease to become a pile? If you remove one thing from it, is it still a pile? How about two things? At what point does ‘some stuff gathered together’ transform into what we know as a pile?) that will leave you awake at 3am, wondering why you have to be out of bed in three hours to go to a job (which, unless you produce sustenance, is virtually pointless), to earn money (which, as a manmade creation, makes it no more meaningful than say, a high score in Tetris), so you can buy food (which, if you are resourceful, is available for free in nature):

This is what the ‘White Album’ could have looked like.

Here goes. Imagine The Beatles, widely regarded as one of, if not the, greatest and most influential rock bands of all time, had not been known as The Beatles.

Envision this: everything about them stays the same—the look, the musical evolution, the album titles (excluding 1968’s The Beatles), song names, etc.—only at their outset they chose an incredibly immature or offensive name, like ‘The Fart Men,’ or even better, ‘F(censored)k.’

Would music scholars and fans and snobs and critics openly argue that The Fart Men are the greatest thing ever to happen in modern music?

‘The Fart Men are waaay better than the Rolling Stones!’ Would you say that to someone?

Would they have gotten radio play? Radio DJ: ‘It’s 3 degrees here in the Twin Cities, let’s heat things up with a little ‘Norwegian Wood’ by F(censored)k!’

Would George Martin have relished being known as the ‘fifth Fart Man?’

Would millions of screaming girls have bought into ‘Fart Men Mania’ in the ’60s?

There’s no way we’ll ever know.

Beards Ignite Primordial Lust In Women, Whether They Care To Admit It Or Not

Anthropology lesson: At the dawn of humanity, all men had beards. If a man couldn’t grow one, he was clubbed over the head with a mammoth femur, defecated on, and tossed off a cliff. By a guy with a beard. Why such harsh vibes toward the bald-faces? The reasons:

1) In those days, due to the life expectancy of early humans, an 18-year-old was considered to be a seasoned old man. Here in the present, he would be equivalent to any run-of-the-mill septuagenarian, in terms of longevity. Yet, unlike any run-of-the-mill septuagenarian of today, these “wise old” 18-year-olds were very capable of getting their breed on. Any man that didn’t have a beard by age 18 was believed to be possessed by impotent demons. As mis amigos Mexicanos would say, they were no bueno para chaka-chaka.

2) It’s natural for beards to grow. From the wisdom of the Taoists:

“Let everything be allowed to do what it naturally does, so that its nature will be satisfied.”

And if your face doesn’t naturally grow hair, its nature will be dominated and destroyed by someone whose face has the nature of beard-growing, because it is natural for humans to mock, hate, torture, and ridicule things that are bizarre and weird to them.

And so the thesis goes—women have deeply-ingrained sensory receptors that tell them to be wildly attracted to men with beards, because that is the natural way of evolution, the ultimate symbol of fecundity and virility. As you walk the path, women will tell you that too much facial hair is quote “nast” and that you “have peanut butter sauce in your beard.” Valid points? Of course. This doesn’t mean that the most remote regions of their mammalian subconscious mind aren’t whirring, wheeling, and enveloped with images of beards dancing circles around their heads.

Here’s A List Of The Books I Read In 2012

Adams, Douglas—The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy (1979)

Atwood, Margaret—The Handmaid’s Tale (1985)

Brown, Dan—The Da Vinci Code (2003)

Burroughs, William S.—Nova Express (1964)

Capra, Fritjof—The Tao Of Physics: An Exploration Of The Parallels Between Modern Physics And Eastern Mysticism (1975)

Carlin, George—Last Words (2009)

Castaneda, Carlos—The Teachings Of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way Of Knowledge (1968)

Chandler, Raymond—The Big Sleep (1939)

Collins, Suzanne—The Hunger Games (2008), Catching Fire (2009), Mockingjay (2010)

Dick, Philip K.—Dr. Futurity (1960), Ubik (1969), VALIS (1981)

Dickey, James—Deliverance (1970)

Eco, Umberto—Foucault’s Pendulum (1988)

Graves, Robert—I, Claudius (1934)

Hammett, Dashiell—Red Harvest (1929), The Maltese Falcon (1930), The Thin Man (1934)

Hannity, Sean—Let Freedom Ring: Winning The War Of Liberty Over Liberalism (2002)

Heinlein, Robert A.—Stranger In A Strange Land (1961)

Hoobler, Thomas and Dorothy—Confucianism (1993)

Hunt, Laird—The Impossibly (2001)

Jung, Carl—Modern Man In Search Of A Soul (1955)

Jurek, Scott—Eat And Run: My Unlikely Journey To Ultramarathon Greatness (2012)

Khan, Pir Vilayat Inayat—Awakening: A Sufi Experience (1999)

Lama, The Dalai—Stages Of Meditation (2003)

Le Guin, Ursula K.—The Left Hand Of Darkness (1969)

Lessing, Doris—The Sirian Experiments (1980)

Lovecraft, H.P.—At The Mountains Of Madness (1936)

Malesky, Kee—All Facts Considered: The Essential Library Of Inessential Knowledge (2010)

Miller, Frank—The Dark Knight Returns (1986)

Moore, Alan—Watchmen (with Dave Gibbons) (1986)

Ozaniec, Naomi—Initiation Into The Tarot (2002)

Pynchon, Thomas—The Crying Of Lot 49 (1966)

Ramsey, Dave—The Total Money Makeover (2003)

Sacks, Oliver—The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat And Other Clinical Tales (1985)

Thompson, Hunter S.—Hell’s Angels: A Strange And Terrible Saga (1966)

Toole, John Kennedy—A Confederacy Of Dunces (1980)

Tzu, Lao—Tao Te Ching (circa 600 BC)

Ventura, Jesse—Democrips And Rebloodlicans: No More Gangs In Government (2012)

Wangu, Madhu Bazaz—Buddhism (1993)

Wellstone, Paul—The Conscience Of A Liberal: Reclaiming The Compassionate Agenda (2001)

Wilson, Robert Anton—The Illuminatus! Trilogy (The Eye In The Pyramid, The Golden Apple, Leviathan) (co-written with Robert Shea) (1975), Schrödinger’s Cat Trilogy (The Universe Next Door, The Trick Top Hat, The Homing Pigeons) (1979), Masks Of The Illuminati (1981), Prometheus Rising (1983)

12/12/12

It’s true, 12/12/2012 will only happen once. 12/12/1912 only happened once too. So did 12/12/1812. And tomorrow will be the only time 12/13/2012 ever happens. It’s a paradox–it’s special because it only happens once in history, but since every day has only happened once in history, every day is the same in that regard. Mind-bottling stuff, folks.

The Government Should Regulate And Make Everything Illegal Except For Vegetables

Knives kill. Cars kill. Alcohol kills. Drugs kill. Racism kills. Teeth kill. Terrorism kills. Sports kill. Pennies, if used creatively, kill. Ideas kill. Meat is murder. Oil pollutes. Gas pollutes. Plastic pollutes. Everything is bad, and people can’t use anything without hurting somebody. That is why vegetables should be the only thing that humans are allowed to use without government intervention (and water, maybe–still dangerous). We can’t be trusted with anything else. Fruits get a limited pass, but their sweetness is a little too close to the borderline of pleasure for my taste. And pleasure, as we all know, causes AIDS, which kills. We must invent a way to eliminate human contact, which kills, yet we still need to perpetuate the species. This is why we still need guns. The reasons are two-fold:

1) I already said earlier that knives kill. So how do you chop up your scrumptious meal of vegetables every day without a knife? You shoot the vegetables, from a safe distance, with a gun. This explodes them into smaller, easily ingestible portions that have the least chance of choking you. And you can shoot anyone who tries to steal your vegetables.

2) Human contact causes disease and death. We know this. But we still need to create humans so that all the vegetables we are growing don’t become sentient and take over the world, thus producing a hedonistic, all-enveloping culture of everything antithetical to the race of vegetable-loving gun enthusiasts that we will happily become after all this legislation goes through. Enter…….badabadabadabada……. the pregnancy gun. It shoots government-approved pregnancy-inducing goop into human females from a distance of no less than 50 yards. No way to get HIV there.

So there you have it. All we need–vegetables and guns.

Maybe Barack Obama And Mitt Romney Could Combine To Form One Super-President Called Mirack Obomney

Here’s how to make everyone in America happy after November’s election: Barack Obama and Mitt Romney can combine their powers to form the juggernaut Mirack Obomney. What about the vice president? I thought of that too. We bring in Ralph Nader and Ross Perot, who will congeal into Rolph Perader. For added enforcement, a hologram of Reagan will preside over meetings between Obomney and Perader, all while the choicest cuts from Clinton’s mid-’90s White House harem make the rounds, seeing to it that no Cuban goes unlit and no scotch glass ever empties.