How To Make Honey Peanut Butter Oat Food Meal

Here’s something I concocted. It’s got honey. It’s got oats. It’s got peanut butter. You can call it honey peanut butter oat food meal, oats with honey and peanut butter snack, or H.O.P.B. (pronounced ‘hop’—the ‘B’ is silent, like in womb, or plumber).

Now, the ingredient list goes like this: oats, honey, and peanut butter. Also, love, care, friendship. And last, but not least, dead skin cells. This last is easiest, as it’s nearly impossible not to get them in there.

Grab a bowl. Insert the oats, honey, and peanut butter into it. The dead skin cells won’t be far behind. As to the love, care, and friendship, you go about getting those into the mix however you see fit.

Microwave for around 20 seconds. The chemical reaction betwixt the peanut butter and friendship and heat will form a sort of soft, paste-like substance that will make everything else mix together.

It’s ready to eat now. You earned it, champ.

 

I’m Going To Become A Urinating Recluse

Just for fun, picture me wearing a one-size-too-small-owl-covered onesie while you read this post. It’s fun, because it is reality.

This happens to me a lot:

I go into an empty bathroom containing three urinals. Urinal Code dictates that I take either of the two bookends, in order to create a buffer zone should another person come in.

I always follow the Code. It’s all that raises us above the beasts.

More often than not, someone will come in and take the middle one, creating an atmosphere of uncomfortable, sporadic urinating for me (it must not bug the person that boxes me in, or he derives some sort of foul, depraved pleasure from it).

Some of these people even attempt to make small talk, a huge no-no in restroom culture.

I’m going to become a “stall” person. Or pee on “crowders.” Anything that gives me the reclusive aura I crave while emptying my bladder.

What Pumpernickel Really Is

Pumpen is a German synonym for being flatulent. Nickel, or Nicholas, is equal to a devil, goblin, or demon.

Therefore pumpernickel has been known in some circles as “the devil’s fart.”

I learned that on The Big Bang Theory.

Fan Art

This letter came in today:

Dear Mr. Philosophunculist:

I painted this owl for you in the hopes that you will recognize our spiritual connection. This is actually a painting of you, or as I see you in my imagination. You are wise and elegant, yet fierce.

I will be your field mouse, and you may hunt me.

Swoop down on me with your sharp beak, and eat me for dinner. I’m okay with that.

You may notice this owl looks like a combination of angry, suspicious, and judgmental. I imagine this may be how you see me.

As I painted your eyes, they pierced my soul. As your blurbs of wisdom often do.

Look at this note as creepy, haunting, weird, I don’t care. Our souls are connected, and you don’t even know it yet.

But you will in time. YOU WILL.

My sincerest regards,

Your soulmate.

Don’t Mess With H-Pott

Word to the wise:

If a huge fan of the Harry Potter series encourages you to read the books, don’t do what I’ve done, which is mock and ridicule the character names in front of that person. They’re sacred or something.

While I have finished and enjoyed the first book, I upped the entertainment level even more by putting my own spin on things. For instance, Harry Potter became Harry Butthole. Draco Malfoy became Draco Milfboy. Professor McGonagall became Professor McFartsicle. Hilarious stuff like that.

But instead of telling Harry Potter fans that you did that, just keep it to yourself, man. Trust me.

Fartlek Training

From the Swedish, meaning “speed play,” fartlek is a method of exercise using bursts of intense physical effort, followed by a period of laid-back, more relaxing work.

 

Book Review—Philosophy: 100 Essential Thinkers, by Philip Stokes

In the world of Philip Stokes, from somewhere around 620BC, up until the 2003 publication date of this book, there have existed 100 people whose thought processes have shaped humankind.

Of those 100 people, 98% have been male. Of those 98 men, 100% have been white. (To the interested reader: the remaining 2% were white females, Mary Wollstonecraft and Simone de Beauvoir).

Since this book is an exploration of nitpicking philosophers, let’s take a look and see if Philip Stokes and his idea of what constitutes ‘essential thinking’ is prejudiced.

On the one hand, while predominantly showcasing the internal workings of white men, the choices of Stokes could be pegged as a sexist, racist, and a number of other ‘ists.

On the other hand, we could say that the color and genitalia of those forming the thoughts doesn’t matter.

Maybe Stokes pored through the work of hundreds of individuals, sex and race unknown, picked the most essential, and nearly all of them happened to be white men. It’s like flipping a coin: every time is a 50-50 shot. However, this equates to Stokes flipping a coin 100 times and hitting heads 98 of them, not to mention that each instance of heads had an option of multiple colors, and each one turned up white as pure, uncut baking soda. Interesting.

It could also be argued that Stokes loves the philosophy of Asian men (or Somalian women, Slovakian hermaphrodites, anything other than white people, really*), and this book was his attempt to branch out and showcase the beliefs of a people whom he hates.

Or Stokes actually is a backward-thinking white supremacist, and this is simply his way of telling the world.

It’s philosophy! We’ll never be 100% sure! Soft science at its best.

*I would give some examples of actual people, but I don’t know any because the book DIDN’T NAME A SINGLE ONE!!!!

The Ash-Sucking Umbrella Device That Will Save Earth

This person I know recently informed me it wanted to move as far away from Wyoming as it could within the next 10-20 years. The reason? The supervolcano that rests beneath Yellowstone Park.

If that thing blows, the ash blocks out the sun and we all die. Supposedly.

Of course, paranoia causes irrational fears.

We’ll be just fine, I said, because it’s an easy problem to prevent. Behold, the Ash-Sucking Umbrella Device:

From the diagram, you can see that the contraption is composed in a tapering pine-tree shape, with big ash-sucking umbrella things on the bottom to catch the initial blast. As you go up, there are smaller vacuums to catch what the bottom ones missed.

The option of another design also arose, which was basically the same shape, only upside down: with the large suckers on top, and smallest on bottom, in order to fit in with the above design like a jigsaw puzzle. However, my mathematics informed me something like that would be far too top heavy, and much more difficult to construct.

Further calculations only bolstered the fact that the big-on-bottom-littler-on-top schematic, utilized in large volume around the caldera of the potential extinction event, would catch enough ash to save the human race.

To cover the middle, we simply send up drones, which I have not yet sketched up, that look like manatee-sized Dustbusters.

Once all the ash has been contained, we then look to our final device, a reverse volcano:

This serves one purpose, which is to simply dispose of all that ash by shooting it back down where it came from.

Now we can all sit back and actually look forward to when Yellowstone erupts*.

*One side note, even if this somehow doesn’t work, I will have already become rich for inventing all of these devices, so I will end up as some post-apocalyptic prince-tycoon, and be able to live wherever the ‘privileged’ people end up.

I Live In A Very Hot-Blooded Community

During a cold snap a few weeks back, the management of the apartment community I live in sent a memo to everyone, explaining that we all needed to have our heat turned on, to prevent pipes from freezing. The memo also noted that upon entering several of the apartments that had burst pipes, maintenance workers noticed that the heat was turned off and the windows were open. That happened in more than one apartment, in below zero weather.

Tomorrow’s projected high is around -15, so naturally management felt the need to send out another memo reminding us all to have our heat turned on. I generally keep it cranked anywhere from the low to mid-70s.

So my question is, who are the people that turn off their heat, still find it too hot, and are only cool enough when they open their windows to let in arctic air?

A bunch of hot-blooded badasses, is my answer.

And I thought I was being tough when I let it get down to 67 in here.

A Blocked Spam Comment

This came up in the old Akismet spam queue the other day:

“It’s really entry degree with respect to black color metallic without reserving unyielding love to suit another purpose. Phantom’s cries are actually characteristic in the style, which includes long distance given to its cruelty.”

Interesting.