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P90X—Good For The Body, Bad For The Psyche

Oh no.

P90X, the massively popular fitness system engineered by Tony Horton, is a great workout—you can do it in the privacy of your home, and it only takes up about an hour of your day. The program does, however, have a repetitive nature. After three rounds through each workout video, unbeknownst to the viewer, disturbing apparitions have already seeped deep into the back doors and forgotten corners of the brain, combining to form a horrific dreamscape, culminating in violent sexual nightmares about Tony Horton. Seriously. It happened to this guy I know.

It starts out mild—basic dreams of Tony in front of you grunting, sweating, proclaiming “I like these pushup handles because they let you go extra deep.” So I’m told. It never happened to me. It happened to my friend.

Innocent enough. Then, the dream repeats, exactly the same, only Horton is now behind you, out of sight. No matter how much you spin, he is forever at your backside. A one-eighty that the man who told me all this wouldn’t wish on his greatest foe. He pulled me aside and made it totally clear that he, my friend, would wish to endure Dante’s Hell rather than a psychoid-level bout with Tony Horton’s dreambeast.

Then, around week six of the program, I’m led to believe you’re right in the middle of a deep plyometric burn, totally awake, and the lights dim—it’s a daydream, or the power went out, maybe someone slipped LSD into your recovery drink—no one knows, and T-Hort is rootin’ around in your underwear, and you return the favor, according to my friend. Pretty gross. You’re both looking each other in the eyeball, bottom-scooping the contents of each other’s drawers. So I was told in such graphic detail it’s almost as if I experienced these night terrors myself.

What I wanted to relay to all of you, through the cautionary tales of my friend, is that P90X will sculpt your body, I suppose. And oh, yeah, it will also carve a deep fissure into a part of your brain you maybe didn’t even know existed, and create channels leading to a 36-chambered Shaolin temple-like complex, where one must perform hallucinogenic battles with fitness icons from Jack LaLanne to Richard Simmons, inevitably ending in the insanity of the dreamer.

But it’s all about looking hot on the outside, so don’t worry about your brain.

 

Dream Interpretation

I saved this message on my phone while I was half asleep:

“Put dog in box and threw it into tree dream.”

The overall theme of the above text would lead you to believe that I had a dream where I put a dog into a box, then threw it into a tree. Sounds simple. On the other hand, dreams are riddled with arcane themes and symbolism, which may or may not be the subconscious trying to send a message or solve a problem.

Let’s break it down into component parts to see what it means.

Dog—I don’t like dogs.

Box—I don’t mind boxes, you can use them for storage.

The act of throwing—Also something I don’t mind, but also an activity I’m not gonna go out of my way to do.

Tree—I like trees.

We have here two things that I am indifferent to, one thing I don’t like, and one thing I do like. What a bizarre mixture of symbols. I already figured out what the dream means, though. Saddle up:

The dog is obviously a reference to the 1980 novel The Sirian Experiments by Doris Lessing, in which a planet very similar to Earth has been influenced and tinkered with behind the scenes by distant visitors from Sirius. Sirius is also known as the “Dog Star.”

The first message is clear: I must smoke out the Dog Star race, and “box” them up before they start inserting their instruments of science inside of us, if they haven’t already.

The box must then be thrown into a tree. Just any old tree? No. In Jewish mysticism, the Tree of Life represents the interconnectedness of all things, as well as the harmony of all creation.

Summary of interpretation: If I put the Dog Star people in a box and throw it into the Tree of Life, their conniving ways will come to an end and balance will be restored. That would make me the most important person on the planet at this point in Time.

How To Beat Addiction

Like Paul Crik instructs, just say yes to the impulse.

 

Psychology 101

Sorry about the totally wack lack of Friday Fun Facts last week.  Don’t fret, it will be back. If I actually think of something good. Anyways, you ever have somebody get all up in your business, asking “What the hell is wrong with you?” I know this happens to me daily, so I began to wonder, what the heck actually is wrong with me? I took the Autism-Spectrum-Quotient test after reading “Mind Wide Open” by Steven Johnson, and followed that up by taking a  slew of other online psychological tests, only to find that I am apparently a slightly autistic, OCD ridden introvert. Not that these tests are all that accurate, since they are self-assessments, and it is also going off the algorithm of a computer program, but it was quite interesting what you can find out about yourself. I mean, the IQ test was obviously flawed, because I failed to score at genius levels. I didn’t even register as “gifted.” What a hot crock of crap, right? Feel free to take these as well, you may just learn something about yourself!

Here is the OCD test that I took, scoring a 13, which points to “OCD Likely”.  Allegedly the stove doesn’t need to be checked four times before I leave.

http://psychcentral.com/ocdquiz.htm

This next one was about right, with me clocking in as “Mild Adult ADHD”. I am pretty good at concentration. But I am also pretty bad at concentration.

http://www.healthyplace.com/psychological-tests/adult-adhd-test/

This one is the Autism Spectrum Quotient test, with 1 being the least and 32 being super-autistic. The average person scores a 16.4. I got a 22. It’s starting to look like I have some problems. I’m not too worried though. Michelangelo and Beethoven were autistic, like REALLY autistic, and people seem to still hold their work in high regard.  Oh sure, they both kept pots of fecal matter around their dwellings and rarely bathed, but they made some really good art right?

http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html

-I took a eating disorder test, and it turns out I don’t have an eating disorder.

-On the Jung Typology Test, it informed me that I am an INTP, or Introverted, Intuitive, Thinking, and Perceiving.  Some other people that share this type, well look at this, none other than Albert Einstein himself. Oh great, and Rick Moranis. We’ll call that a wash.

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