The Philosophunculist Travelogue, Part Three: Nebraska

‘Marooned’ by Howard Pyle

Along I-80 somewhere in Nebraska, you will enter a zone where your car radio picks up only four stations: country, country, religious talk radio, and country. To free your mind from this insanity, you pull into a gas station. In the bathroom you find a half-naked trucker, his back blanketed with a botched snake tattoo, taking a bath in the sink.

All you have left then is the road. It’s cruel, really.

Even pirates were kind enough to leave the marooned with a loaded pistol; Nebraska leaves you with 400 miles of……Nebraska.

Oh yeah, Nebraska has Chimney Rock. We added two hours to the trip to see this monument because hey, it didn’t seem too far out of the way, and it’s in the game Oregon Trail.

This can be said of the stone erection: It’s worth driving by, if you live within sight of it. Cool to see, yes. Worth a detour on an overnight road trip? Nah. But we can say we saw it. Someone, somewhere, at some point will be impressed by that, maybe.

After Chimney Rock, there were some bluffs and semi-interesting geological features, for about ten minutes. And a fox. We saw a fox. Then, back to I-80, and on into southeast Wyoming……..

Sean Hannity Enjoys Photograph Of Erect Nuclear Missile

Sean Hannity loves a lot of things. America. Conservative values. Straight people. White people. White people who are straight, conservative, and American. During a recent interview intended to cover the ramifications of Barack Obama’s re-election, his mind seemed trained on a new muse—a framed photograph of a nuclear missile, standing upright, ready for takeoff.

“I can’t stress enough how much trouble this nation is in. The left is pushing their radical agen—wow, just look at this thing,” the nationally syndicated homophobe said as he clutched the photo.

“This missile is the embodiment of the principles America was built on—it’s tough, it’s thick-skinned, it doesn’t take no for an answer. I know if I had one pointed at me, my heart would skip a beat, my knees would weaken, my penis would become slightly turgid—out of respect—and I would submit to its every whim,” Hannity went on. “That’s why we simply can’t spend enough on defense. We need one of these trained on every one of our rival nations. Our enemies—we seem to be making more and more every day—need to be aware that if they mess with us, they will be getting a big ol’ nuclear load of America right between the eyes.”

When pressed to stick to election issues, Hannity continued:

“And the engineering behind it! Whoever designed this got it exactly right. A perfect proportion of length to girth. Enough power to survive a long ride to its destination. And, once it reaches that destination, the right amount of juice to create a massive explosion of American man-power right in the enemy’s face. Ugghhoohh,” he continued as his eyes rolled back and his tongue ran around the “O” formed by his lips. “Oooooohhhh, yes, aaahhhhh. Mmmmm.”

At this point, Hannity excused himself to take a restroom break. As he was almost to his office door, he quickly doubled back to grab the photo. “Reading material,” he said with a wink.

He returned 15 minutes later, perspiring, short of breath, and visibly more relaxed.

“Okay, now where were we? Ah yes, Obama. Prepare for another four years of broken promises, reckless spending, and, and, OH GOD, CAN’T WE JUST FIRE ONE OFF, TO MAKE SURE THEY WORK!?!?! Nobody would miss Kenya, except you-know-who, right? Or San Francisco? C’mon! Let’s go!”

Hannity then stood up, and dashed off towards the cafeteria mumbling something about a meal of hot dogs and bananas, with popsicles for dessert.

Tony Fly: “Every Morning, I Unwrap My Lips From Around The Barrel Of A Shotgun So That One Day I Can Again Act As The Proverbial Shepherd To The Metaphorical Sheep That Comprise The Aimlessly Wandering Populace Of The Twin Cities Metropolitan Area”

“Wow, that headline looks really bad on paper. Allow me to ameliorate that quote,” said recently displaced radio personality Tony Fly from a recliner in his den.

“I am not, I repeat, NOT going to kill myself. It’s like this — I…well, the past few months have been rough. I had to pawn off all my silverware, so when I eat breakfast in the morning, I have to jam pappy’s old shotgun directly into my bucket of ice cream. It gets caked up in the barrel, so then I kind of unhinge my jaw — like a boa constrictor — and suck the cream out. Crude? Yes. Delicious? Even more yes. Once I’m done with that though, I absolutely crush it on Monster.com, because the Twin Cities need me back in action.”

Let’s backtrack for a moment. Unless you’ve been living in a wi-fi deficient shanty town since August, you undoubtedly know that Tony Fly, the legendary radiotronic demigod that once blessed the greater Minneapolis-St. Paul metropolitan area with his divine insight and wit on various programs, was relieved of his morning show duties on the area’s adult contemporary station 96.3 K-Twin. Fly has also appeared in Taco Bell commercials endorsing Doritos Locos Tacos during syndicated episodes of The Simpsons on local channel 45.

“I make sure the gun isn’t loaded when I’m using it to eat. Safety first, kids,” Fly said into a microphone, the wire of which could be seen coiling out from under Fly’s Transformers blanket onto the floor and eventually ending, not plugged into anything, near an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.

“No one does it better. He’s a consummate professional. Would I hire him? Absolutely not, unless he finds a way to regenerate himself into a hot 23 year-old girl every few years,” said Dave Ryan, a noted supporter of hot 23 year-old girls, and longtime host of KDWB’s morning show. “We just wouldn’t have a place for him on the show,” Ryan went on, “Unless he was, you know, a hot 23 year-old girl.”

Fly, on how he was let go: “Well, when we switched formats from 96 Now to K-Twin a few months back, a guy came into the studio and told me to start saying “K-Twin” instead of “96 Now” while I was on the air. I asked him if, due to the changes, I would still be receiving a bi-weekly paycheck. He said yes, so I quickly said to myself ‘K-Twin K-Twin K-Twin,’ while slapping myself on the forehead so I would remember. Flash forward a few months, and I’m out on my ass. A lot of good all that studying did.”

On if he’s open to new opportunities: “I’ve been in radio for so long, I don’t really know any other way. The people of the Twin Cities need me. Imagine a world where I’m not there to break down the rich, multi-tiered symbolism Adam Levine injects into Maroon 5 songs. Imagine a world where people don’t know what I thought of last night’s American Idol episode. Well let me tell you something — you don’t have to imagine that world. It’s here. These people are nothing but lost and wandering sheep. And one day, I hope not too long from now, I will rise from the ashes, like a phoenix, and a shepherd, too — like a shepherd phoenix — to guide them back to the celestial waters of radio perfection.”

At this point, Fly took a potty break. In the den, a prolonged, guttural, world-weary sigh could be heard emanating from the restroom. Upon his return, he picked his nose a little, and said “Well, we can head down to Taco Bell if you want. Sometimes they recognize me in there, and I get a small discount.”

The interview ended shortly after that.