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One Man Proves He Can Write For Upworthy. You’ll Never Believe How.

The folks over at Upworthy love to bait people. They’re masters of the practice. They are baiting masters. Me, I’ve never fell for the ploy. Still, their talent for baiting cannot be ignored. Upworthy is wildly popular, and it is taking over my Facebook feed. I want a piece of the cheese.

I can bait with the best of ’em. When you read these headlines I’ve created, your life will change. Even more than after reading an Upworthy article:

—This woman just bought her eighth cat. Think she cray? There’s just one problem: the cats are the only thing keeping her from committing suicide. Now you’re the dick for judging her.

—This teenage dropout is a loser who will never amount to anything. Except that he isn’t a loser, and he will amount to everything.

—A woman grew out her leg hair for her dying husband. As it turns out, she was the one who died. But not because of the reasons you think.

—One man didn’t flush his toilet for 23 years. When you find out why, you will accept gay marriage.

—You’ve probably never shit your pants. Read this. Now look in your pants. They’re full of shit. Find out how.

—A blind owl stole his owner’s wallet and proved that money isn’t everything. It’s just one thing. Find out what.

—A tween changes an entire junior high’s view of body image stereotypes. Click to find out how she lives without lungs, bones, or an endocrine system.

—This man found something in his beard. Something that will make you weep with joy. And horniness.

—One racist educator who lived a life of privilege goes through a series of tragic events and finds herself teaching a classroom full of inner city youth. My jaw dropped when it didn’t involve rap music.

—This video proves that free will exists. Watch it.

—The media tells us to look like Hollywood celebrities. This morbidly obese woman isn’t having it—she shows us why it’s okay to gorge on fast food and not exercise and then get angry when a thin person who works out and eats vegetables is complimented.

—He escaped a life in porn. But he went back, because it was better than normal life. We don’t need to tell you why.

—This pedophile was able to re-imprint his sexual attractions. By working overnights at the zoo. By working overnights alone at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages with the security cameras turned off at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages with the security cameras turned off at the zoo and do we still need to be doing this? Don’t you get it? He’s having sex with the monkeys. Don’t bother reading the article. You will learn NOTHING. You will forget about it before you’ve finished reading it. New headline: Upworthy writer blows his brains out. You won’t believe why (I was saving this one for when I quit).

 

 

 

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