First Look: Harry Potter And The Cursed Child

Here is a review of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Spoilers? Sure.

Now, from what I gather, sometime during the original series, Voldemort managed to impregnate Draco Malfoy, and is the true father of Scorpius. Due to the fact that Harry Potter was somewhat telepathically connected to Voldemort at that time, he’s kind of the dad too.

It is now the year 3030. Scorpius Malfoy and Albus Severus, Harry’s other son, are dating. And not just casually—they’ve both thought about who would be their groomsmen. Meanwhile, another one of Harry’s sons, James Sirius, is battling a pretty heavy heroin addiction. It is hinted that this has caused Ginny, Harry’s alcoholic wife, to elope with Dudley Dursley.

Then, in a breaking of the fourth wall, all of the characters suddenly realize that they are in a play, which itself has been novelized by two dudes who did not create the series which was the basis for the play that was turned into this book.

Some Dark Truths About Me

A few weeks ago, at one of them political rallies, Dr. Ben Carson said something like this: Hillary Clinton wrote her senior thesis on Saul Alinsky. Saul Alinsky mentions Lucifer in one of his books. Therefore, Hillary Clinton worships Satan.

Compelling argument, but there’s no way she’s that cool.

So I sat for a while, thinking. Following Dr. Carson’s logic, I learned some very dark truths about myself.

Here are a few:

I read Gravity’s Rainbow, a big novel with a small part featuring coprophilia. Therefore, I am a coprophiliac.

I enjoy using car batteries to torture hookers, because a copy of American Psycho is sitting in my book pile right now. Also, I like to stab small children at the zoo.

I am a homophobic pill popper who hates his mother. That would be from my high school days listening to Eminem.

I cook meth. Thanks, Breaking Bad.

And most horrifying of all, I might not play football next year because I’d rather hang out with Wooderson and drink beer.

 

 

Here is a List of the Books I Read in 2015

Here is a list of the books I read in 2015.

Armstrong, Karen—Muhammad: A Prophet For Our Time (2006)

Barrett, Deirdre—The Committee of Sleep: How Artists, Scientists, And Athletes Use Dreams For Creative Problem-Solving—And How You Can Too (2001)

Bonnett, Alastair—Unruly Places: Lost Spaces, Secret Cities, and Other Inscrutable Geographies (2014)

Bowden, Mark—Killing Pablo: The Hunt for the World’s Greatest Outlaw (2001)

Bradbury, Ray—The Illustrated Man (1951)

Bryson, Bill—Notes From a Small Island (1995)

Bulgakov, Mikhail—The Master and Margarita (written from 1928-40, not published until 1967)

Chamovitz, Daniel—What A Plant Knows: A Field Guide To The Senses (2012)

Christie, Agatha—And Then There Were None (1939)

Cooper, Douglas—The Cubist Epoch (1970)

Danielewski, Mark Z.—House of Leaves (2000)

Didion, Joan—Play It As It Lays (1970)

Fernandez, Oscar—Everyday Calculus: Discovering the Hidden Math All Around Us (2014)

Funke, Cornelia—Inkheart (2003)

Gaiman, Neil—The Graveyard Book (2008)

Heath, Chip and Dan—Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard (2010)

Heinlein, Robert A.—The Moon is a Harsh Mistress (1966)

Kaku, Michio—Hyperspace: A Scientific Odyssey Through Parallel Universes, Time Warps, and the 10th Dimension (1994)

Moore, Alan, and Lloyd, David—V For Vendetta (1988)

Ohle, David—Motorman (1972)

Percy, Walker—Lost in the Cosmos: The Last Self-Help Book (1983)

Powers, Tim—On Stranger Tides (1988)

Pratchett, Terry—Thud! (2005)

Pynchon, Thomas—Inherent Vice (2009)

Stoker, Bram—Dracula (1897)

VanderMeer, Jeff—Annihilation (2014), Authority (2014), Acceptance (2014)

Walker, Barbara G.—The Secrets of the Tarot: Origins, History, and Symbolism (1994)

Watts, Peter—Echopraxia (2014)

Predictions For The Outcome Of Harry Potter

I am now deep into Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, book three of seven in the wildly popular series. I’ve stayed sheltered this long, having avoided the bombardment of hype surrounding the final book nearly seven years ago, as well as the film adaptations. I think I’ve got some of it figured out, though. Here are a few of my predictions for how the story arc will play out.

—Harry and Ron become so fed up with Professor Snape that they get him arrested for being a pedophile. How do they do that? I thought I’d never ask. In a genius ironic twist, the two boys use the knowledge they gain from the Potions class that Snape teaches, to concoct a Love Potion. They sneak it into Snape’s lunch, causing him to become hopelessly in love with those surrounding him, i.e., a bunch of young witches and wizards. Now, the magical lifestyle differs from that of Muggles in many ways, but I assume that pedophilia is frowned upon even in wizardry.

—Or maybe pedophilia is accepted in the wizarding world, which is why everyone hates Voldemort and his womanizing.

—Oh yeah, Harry and Ron get the Love Potion on themselves and start dating.

—A larger portion of the next book will be devoted to the Dursleys, where we find that their treatment of Harry is justified. Think about it: I’m not even finished with the third book, and Harry has already broken enough rules to justify expulsion from Hogwarts several times over, including illegal use of magic in the Dursley home. Rules are rules, Harry. Deal with them like the rest of us.

—Hermione is going to kill herself after graduation, when she comes to the realization that a degree in witchcraft is worthless. Her resume, citing arithmancy and transfiguration as her ‘special skills,’ will be used on job search websites as template of how not to get hired.

—I know Dumbledore dies, but not how. My guess is a coprophilia exploration gone wrong.

I can’t wait to find out how close I am on all these.

The Literary Lounge: The Stranger, by Albert Camus

Don’t judge a book by its title. There in the library I stood, flummoxed, wondering why I never knew that the French absurdist had written a book on the popular move known as ‘The Stranger.’

From what some guy, no, some girl told me, a really hot girl to be honest, I think she was a model actually, ‘The Stranger’ is a tactic where you sit on your hand to cut off the blood flow, inducing a tingly, numb sensation. Then you use that hand to touch your, well, you can touch whatever you want with it, and the experience is not unlike that of a ‘stranger’ fondling you.

How could Camus possibly write an entire novel on this (what I have heard from very attractive women, but never, ever experienced myself) gratifying act?

Unless there were arcane metaphors that went way over my head, he didn’t. I burned right through this thing, the anticipation growing with every page, waiting to be slapped with the titular maneuver. Over 80% of the way through, I was ready to give up, until I recalled Moby Dick rarely appears in the novel that bears his name.

Turns out The Stranger is about a man who kills a stranger. Kind of a letdown.

 

Don’t Mess With H-Pott

Word to the wise:

If a huge fan of the Harry Potter series encourages you to read the books, don’t do what I’ve done, which is mock and ridicule the character names in front of that person. They’re sacred or something.

While I have finished and enjoyed the first book, I upped the entertainment level even more by putting my own spin on things. For instance, Harry Potter became Harry Butthole. Draco Malfoy became Draco Milfboy. Professor McGonagall became Professor McFartsicle. Hilarious stuff like that.

But instead of telling Harry Potter fans that you did that, just keep it to yourself, man. Trust me.

Book Review—Philosophy: 100 Essential Thinkers, by Philip Stokes

In the world of Philip Stokes, from somewhere around 620BC, up until the 2003 publication date of this book, there have existed 100 people whose thought processes have shaped humankind.

Of those 100 people, 98% have been male. Of those 98 men, 100% have been white. (To the interested reader: the remaining 2% were white females, Mary Wollstonecraft and Simone de Beauvoir).

Since this book is an exploration of nitpicking philosophers, let’s take a look and see if Philip Stokes and his idea of what constitutes ‘essential thinking’ is prejudiced.

On the one hand, while predominantly showcasing the internal workings of white men, the choices of Stokes could be pegged as a sexist, racist, and a number of other ‘ists.

On the other hand, we could say that the color and genitalia of those forming the thoughts doesn’t matter.

Maybe Stokes pored through the work of hundreds of individuals, sex and race unknown, picked the most essential, and nearly all of them happened to be white men. It’s like flipping a coin: every time is a 50-50 shot. However, this equates to Stokes flipping a coin 100 times and hitting heads 98 of them, not to mention that each instance of heads had an option of multiple colors, and each one turned up white as pure, uncut baking soda. Interesting.

It could also be argued that Stokes loves the philosophy of Asian men (or Somalian women, Slovakian hermaphrodites, anything other than white people, really*), and this book was his attempt to branch out and showcase the beliefs of a people whom he hates.

Or Stokes actually is a backward-thinking white supremacist, and this is simply his way of telling the world.

It’s philosophy! We’ll never be 100% sure! Soft science at its best.

*I would give some examples of actual people, but I don’t know any because the book DIDN’T NAME A SINGLE ONE!!!!

Here’s a List of the Books I Read in 2013

Adams, Douglas—Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency (1987)

Boortz, Neal & Linder, John—The FairTax Book (2005)

Brown, Dan—Angels & Demons (2000)

Burroughs, William S.—The Ticket That Exploded (1962)

Cameron, Julia—The Artist’s Way (1992)

Colum, Padraic—Nordic Gods and Heroes (1920)

DeLillo, Don—White Noise (1985), Mao II (1991)

Dick, Philip K.—The Divine Invasion (1981)

Gallwey, W. Timothy—The Inner Game of Tennis (1974)

Geary, Rick—The Lives of Sacco and Vanzetti (2011)

Gerrold, David—Worlds of Wonder: How to Write Science Fiction & Fantasy (2001)

Gray, Frank—Scoremanship (1969)

Hawking, Stephen—The Theory of Everything (1996)

Hodgkinson, Tom—How to be Idle: A Loafer’s Manifesto (2005)

Hughes, Jonnie—On The Origin Of Tepees: The Evolution Of Ideas (And Ourselves) (2011)

Karnazes, Dean—Run! (2011)

Macdonald, Ross—The Moving Target (1949)

Marx, Karl (and Friedrich Engels)—The Communist Manifesto (1848)

Mieville, China—Embassytown (2011)

Moore, Alan—The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (1999)

O’Brien, Flann—At Swim-Two-Birds (1939)

Palast, Greg—The Best Democracy Money Can Buy (2002)

Pynchon, Thomas—V. (1963), Slow Learner (1984), Gravity’s Rainbow (1973)

Rand, Ayn—The Virtue of Selfishness (1964)

Vonnegut, Kurt—The Sirens of Titan (1959), Cat’s Cradle (1963)

Watts, Alan—Tao: The Watercourse Way (1975)

Watts, Peter—Starfish (1999), Maelstrom (2001)

Wells, Dan—I Am Not a Serial Killer (2010)

Wendig, Chuck—Blackbirds (2012)

Wilson, Robert Anton—Cosmic Trigger: The Final Secret of the Illuminati (1977)

Things I Learned From “Scoremanship” by Frank Gray

Title: Scoremanship

Author: Frank Gray

Published: 1969, Bantam Books

Here are some things I learned from this book.

-A quote on how the “Distraction Technique” works:

“Tell her, ‘I’d like to treat you to the world’s best food by cooking dinner for us at my place tonight. What would you rather have—spaghetti or lasagna?’ By making her decide which she prefers, you have caused her, automatically, to agree to come to your apartment—which was what you were after in the first place.”

What I learned: When a woman is presented with a choice between spaghetti or lasagna, saying “neither” is in no way an option. Women are incredibly easy to fool, and can be tricked into going on a date with you.

-On how to pick up a woman in an elevator:

“As she gets out, follow her…..If you are courteous, she will be flattered…..Invite her to have a drink with you…..Girls love the idea that a man wants to talk to them. Chances are she will give you her phone number.”

What I learned: Stalking a woman on or near an elevator will not creep her out. I think it also helps if you stand behind her, occasionally leaning in for a sniff, and collecting stray hairs off of her head and clothes. When she inevitably comes back to your place, she will be impressed that you took the time to craft a hair doll in her likeness.

-A section entitled “Probing” offers this:

“If, by chance, when you take her hand, she pulls it away or gives you the feeling that you’re rushing the situation, cool it for awhile; then, of course, start again.”

What I learned: No means yes.

-When you’ve got her at your place:

“If she says, ‘I want children and a white house with a picket fence,’ that’s what you want. If she says, ‘I want to be a swinger and don’t want to get to bed until two and I don’t want kids right away,’ that’s what you want.”

What I learned: Don’t be yourself. Women hate you.

The Literary Lounge–Jay Gatsby: Great, Or Giant Loser?

It’s been a few years since I read The Great Gatsby, which was recently converted to the silver screen. If memory serves, wasn’t Jay Gatsby just some guy who let a bunch of strangers party at his house while he called them “old sport,” then somebody shot him and nobody showed up to the funeral?

Discuss.