The People of Trader Joe’s

Browse through People of Walmart for a bit. Pretty scary stuff.

The universe needs balance, though. Enter the yuppies of Trader Joe’s, a force countering the grizzled mass that comprises Walmart’s patronage, not in looks, but in sheer pomposity.

Last Friday, I witnessed a 40-something male, clad in snug, halfway-down-the-quad navy blue short pants and a tight pastel plaid shirt, shaming an elderly woman that may have been his mother, lover—or through some sort of strange sci-fi twist, daughter—for suggesting that they buy frozen corn.

Picture that: unfettered fury, arising from the mere mention of produce stored below thirty two degrees Fahrenheit.

The situation played out like this:

Mother, daughter, or lover: “They have some corn in the freezer.”

Man, through gritted teeth, with a vein protruding from his forehead, talking very slowly: “What did……..I tell you……..about frozen…………………… products.”

Then he stood, glaring at her in silence, as a look of genuine terror overtook the woman’s face.

I feel like I should have intervened, but I got the vibe that this would have earned me a room temperature organic daikon radish stuffed into one of my many unfrozen orifices, courtesy of short pants.

 

Toilet Paper Buying Anecdote

We all love buying toilet paper. Here’s an interaction I had while purchasing some.

Counter guy: ~looks at what I’m buying then up at me~ “You know what they say, a job is never complete until all the paperwork is done.”

Me: “Yep.”

Counter guy: “That’ll be /whatever the price was/ for the paper.”

Me: “Here.”

Counter guy: ~as I’m already walking away~ “Well, looks like you’ve got a lot of paperwork to do!”

Things I learned:

1/ That guy was really obsessed with me wiping my ass.

2/ Never go there again.

3/ Get a bidet. It makes more sense. If you step in dog poop, you don’t wipe your foot off with a paper towel and call it good.

Observations From Tonight’s Walmart Trip

……..i think i was the skinniest person there. that includes the children…..

……everyone seemed to have a smoker’s cough and knee problems. not one or the other. both. EVERYONE. that includes the children…..

……everyone seemed to have multiple loud children. that includes the children……..

………i think i saw not one, but two couples that were on a date………..and they weren’t like long-term couples either, they were having some real heart-felt first date ‘get-to-know-you’ conversations……….

………as the throbbing hordes coughed and limped around me, cursing their deteriorating knee cartilage, i was nearly swallowed by the gelatinous mass, almost sucked right in, to become one of them……but i made it out

Kmart Commercial

I think that Kmart commercial would have been a lot funnier if everyone, instead of saying they just shipped their pants, said they had just shit their pants. There’s nothing funny about pants being loaded into a truck and delivered somewhere. And if they used my suggestion, there could be some kind of tie-in campaign with cleaning supplies and laundry detergent.