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The Corned Beef Conspiracy: Ireland Doesn’t Exist And St. Patrick Is The Meaty Equivalent Of Mrs. Butterworth

Corned beef.

Just as Hallmark created Valentine’s Day so they could sell cards and De Beers invented the concept of marriage in order to give false value to diamonds, March seventeenth has forever become entwined with this strange salted meat, despite said meat having no basis in traditional Irish cuisine, because there is no such thing as Ireland, and therefore no such thing as traditional Irish cuisine, as we will soon see.

Why?

Because.

Oh, and also this: Colorado Premium, a company specializing in meat processing solutions, created Ireland and the myth of St. Patrick in order to sell corned beef. It’s not crazy at all. Think real hard. Do you know anyone who’s been to Ireland? Do you know anyone who’s met St. Patrick? Didn’t think so. Let’s have a look.

Colorado Premium happens to be one of the world’s largest producers of corned beef, and they also happen to have a picture of a guy wearing a hard hat on their ‘About Us’ page.

Why in the name of fictional St. Patrick’s sheleighleigh would anyone dealing with meat need a hard hat? Meat, and generally any solutions pertaining to it, involve softness. A hard hat seems like something someone who is anticipating a visit to a construction site would wear. Since construction sites aren’t necessary to meat, that means this whole thing is an Illuminati conspiracy. You see, Colorado Premium is run by Kevin LaFluer. LaFluer is a French name. France touches Germany. The Illuminati was founded in 1776 in………….Germany.

Moving right along: a quick scan of Colorado Premium’s ‘Partners‘ page shows standard industry meat alliances—Tyson Foods, Cargill Meat Solutions, Smithfield Beef Group, etc.—except for one: Tapatio Hot Sauce?

What are Tapatio Hot Sauce and a prolific corned beef producer doing in bed together?

Why, they are both shadowy victual fronts veiling the sinister plot intended to further screw the clueless herd of sheep that is the American people, of course.

In what way? Well the guy in the hard hat is obviously building something, and Tapatio Hot Sauce just isn’t that good. So we have an industrious producer of corned beef partnering with a company that makes inferior salsa picante. That means something. Corned beef. Hot sauce. Hot sauce. Corned beef. Corned sauce. Hot beef. Corned hot beef sauce.

Colorado Premium is taking that salsa picante partnership cash and using it to build a moat filled with disgusting Tapatio Hot Sauce around the United States in order to keep us

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she’s cheating on mr. butterworh with a fake saint

from leaving. Why do ‘They’ (Colorado Premium, Tapatio, and the Illuminati) want to keep us in? It’s pretty obvious. If the lie about Ireland is exposed, the corned beef gravy train comes grinding to a halt. Since the Earth is flat, you should be able to look out from the east coast and see the Emerald Isle. One glance and you’ll notice it’s simply not there. ‘St. Patrick’ is just the meaty equivalent of Mrs. Butterworth. Guinness is Michelob Golden tinted with discarded beef drippings.

 

So there you go. Hallmark, De Beers, Colorado Premium, Taptio, and the Illuminati all want you to keep buying things because they created a way for you to buy them.

Wake up America.

 

 

 

 

 

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Goin Green

Well, St. Patrick’s day. How lovely. A day when people who aren’t even Irish partake in the drinking of copious amounts of social lubricant, and then proceed to flood the gutters with green vomit. I at least made it to a trash can last year. And it was the day after so it doesn’t even count. Plus I’m part Irish so I’m allowed to celebrate. In fact, I am actually a “closet ginger”. My facial hair comes in as some disgusting orange-ish reddish color if it gets too long, so I keep that under wraps. Don’t let the Zumhofe name fool you.

Well in honour of the day, I ate some spuds as a salute to those that perished in the Great Potato Blight of the mid 1800’s. Also, the Friday Fun Facts will have to come two days early as I explore this hooch soaked holiday, so before you go out and let all that Guinness and whiskey rumble down your gullet, read this. And then you’ll probably end up getting in a drunken bar brawl over it later you belligerent soak.

-The original color associated with St. Patrick was blue. Irish folklore actually states that if you wear too much green, especially children, fairies will steal you. I read that in National Geographic.

– St. Patrick wasn’t even born in Ireland.

-He was born in either Scotland or Wales, and at age 16 he was captured and sold into slavery in Ireland.

-Barack Obama’s ( or perhaps for today, O’Bama) great great grandfather came from Moneygall, County Offaly, Ireland.

-In Ireland in 1903, St. Patty’s day was declared a relgious holiday, which ironically meant that pubs were closed on that day, until it was made a national holiday in 1970.

-St. Patrick did not in fact chase all the snakes out of Ireland. Snakes are not and never have been native to Ireland. It’s starting to sound like this guy was just a big phony.

This blong comes to us courtesy of the IPR Library. Never heard of this band before, but hey I needed something Irish.

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