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Posts Tagged ‘technology’

Next Generation Virtual Reality

December 29, 2015 1 comment

Samsung has blown us all away with the release of its Virtual Reality Headset. For only one hundred dollars, you can strap your smart phone an inch away from your eyes, and be launched into alternate dimensions.

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You could easily steal this woman’s wallet.

I went ahead and invented the next generation of this technology. For two hundred bucks, I’ll lead you into a forest, where you can pick out any old stump you want. For an extra fifty, I’ll provide an axe and let you chop down a tree of your choosing.

 

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And for the low low price of three hundred dollars, I will bring you to a store, point you in the direction of the furniture department, and allow you to browse through stools and chairs, any of which you can easily purchase.

Then we’ll go to your house, and I will help you place your new Virtual Reality Ass Holder a foot in front of your television. After that, you can sit on it, and lean forward until your nose is nearly touching the screen. Depending on what kind of TV you have, the world in front of you could be over six feet long! Just compare that to the tiny screen of your smart phone. Congratulations, you are now experiencing a digital life separate from your own depressing, tortured existence, and you don’t need to have a thing strapped to your head.

Notes From The Cosmos

An LG Cosmos.

Sometimes I write little notes to myself.

And sometimes, when I want to write a little note to myself and there is no pen or paper around, I pull out my cellular telephone, a first generation LG Cosmos, and activate the “Notepad” feature.

For instance, on October 28th of last year, I recorded this: “Why aren’t there any funny tampon commercials.”

Here we are, over a year later, and I still have not witnessed a humorous feminine napkin advertisement, and I still don’t understand what tampons are actually for.

Using Kickstarter to Fund Punchbeginner

Hey everyone, I started a Kickstarter campaign!!

The pitch:

Ideally, I would love to create a website called Punchbeginner that allows users to donate money to me in order to fund my creative projects. Musicians, writers, artists, filmmakers, and entrepreneurs would also be allowed to use the website for the same purpose, but they would not get as much money as me. I would get the most money.

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Our logo. The text is in lowercase letters to show that we’re different, and don’t follow the ‘normal’ rules.

Once my website is up and running, and that sweet green comes rolling in, I could begin my inaugural project. It’s a performance piece, one of those ‘art-imitating-life’ things that people with glasses talk about. The asking price is about three million dollars, and the plot would center around what would happen if a 31-year-old man created a website for crowdfunding and was then able to retire from the profits. The best part is that this would be my only project, because the storyline goes on in real-time until my death, whether it comes during the wild celebration that would ensue after squeezing three million dollars out of suckers on the internet, or 100 years from now, when my third implanted monkey heart fails and I can’t find another one because humans caused monkeys to become extinct.

If this sounds like something you would like to see come to life, please donate liberally and often. No refunds, and thank you in advance for your generosity.

Wika-Wika-Wednesday!

We’re gonna come out swinging today, then come back Friday to help you ease into the weekend like an old man into a hot bath.  Almost three weeks. Amazing.  We are in the process of transforming from the proverbial “ugly duckling” into a full fledged “Hot Swan.”  Since this whole thing started, people have been asking, “Sean, how do you do it, dawwg?” or “damn kid, s#$%#$t is f%^&*ing #$%#$% sick!” A lot of dubious language gets used around here. I myself don’t partake. So I thought I’d walk through a typical day here at YCL. Slimminy Cricket is yapping away to my left, Dan “Four-four” Kelly is on the way with a camera to document the whole thing, so here is the daily breakdown.

5:30AM-Arise. Eat a five egg omelet and freshly squeezed goat milk.

-6AM-Run 6 miles through the neighborhood. Steal newspaper from the German family on 12th Ave. Kick their trashcan over on the way out of the driveway.

7AM-Hot shower. Lounge on fine animal pelts while beautiful women feed me grapes and fan me with palm leaves. Those aren’t cheap this time of year by the way.

8AM-4PM-Take frequent catnaps, occasionally getting up to have a snack.

5PM-Yesterday I actually remembered that I invented coffee energy drinks a few years before they actually came out.It was called Enerchino, for energy and cappuccino, comprised of a “Rip It” energy drink and a cappuccino. It was delicious and I should be a millionaire right now. My friend “The Beard” can back me up on this.

Oh yeah, I’m supposed to talk about that phone. Well here is a mind blowing portrayal of the conceptual Nokia Morph. Supposedly things like this should be out around 2019. They must have been spending a lot of time on this, because the animation quality is from like 1993.

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