Posts Tagged ‘The Beatles’

The Book Is Being Written

November 17, 2010 1 comment

Wow, Prince William is getting married! The Beatles are on iTunes! The Republicans have taken over! Sorry, just some SEO (Search Engine Optimization, to the uninitiated) going on there. Jeez, the last post was on October 11. There have been many (3, to be exact) people asking me, “Yo Sean, what happened to the Blog?” Funny that you should ask that. So funny, in fact, that I will take this time to excrete a monumental belly-laugh.

HO-HO-HO, HA-HA-HA!!!!! Heheheheh, lol, rotfl! Hardy-har-har! And………….done.

Well, if you haven’t been informed, I’m writing a book. To be more precise, it’s a self-help book. About how to write a self-help book. Say what?! Yeah that’s right. I’m currently rockin’ out on chapter six. “Oh Sean, you’re so noble, how could you possibly write an ENTIRE book?!” What a fascinating question. Well, I really don’t have an answer to that. But, in the fashion of great authors past, I have taken the time to enlist a scholarly alliance of vagabonds to assist in the editing and formation of my scrupulous tome, so deliciously entitled, The Brain Crust.  Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking, “What the crap is a Brain Crust?” “Hey, why wasn’t I asked to be in the Brain Crust?” and so on.

Well, my friends, quite frankly, the people who have so far been recruited to be in the Brain Crust don’t even know what it is yet. But believe you me, it is something so innovative, so mold-shattering, that only Time itself will reveal the enormity of the implications that this colossal conjunction of intellect will yield. Here is a list of those whose insights I have so far brandished.

-Kent “Tha Thrilla” Milla – He is a teacher in Iowa. I met him in a computer science class in 10th grade. He loves communism.

-J-Char – My former college roomate of four years. Most famous for the quote “I would have no problem shooting a kitten in the face.” Through Facebook, I see that ironically, he now owns a cat. Uh-oh!

-Mikey “Slim” Berry – aka “Sliminy Cricket.” He likes viperfish. A LOT.

-Isaac Halvorson – I have begun referring to him as “my publisher.” It makes me feel important to be able to say, “My publisher sent me a interesting link,” or “My publisher thinks I should be eating more vegetables.”

-Loo Byrd – A Class-A Turd Burglar. A person I hate more than any person on Earth. But, as the old adage goes, “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” He’s also really good at piano.

– Rod Smith – My former creative writing teacher. I read whatever he tells me to.

So there you have it.

In the spirit of writing a book, I of course have to undertake a Herculean amount of research. Here is a list of the hell I am currently enduring, in order to be able to properly mock the world of self-help:

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus – John Gray

Awaken the Giant Within – Tony Robbins

Think and Grow Rich – Napoleon Hill

The Power of Now – Eckhart Tolle

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People – Stephen R. Covey

Who Moved My Cheese? – Spencer Johnson

How to Win Friends and Influence People – Dale Carnegie

Undoing Yourself With Energized Meditation and Other Devices – Christopher S. Hyatt (I actually like this one)

This is an incomplete list, with more to be added. If I don’t go insane from all of this, the book may just have a shot at the best-seller list. But probably not.

Blong (Blog Song) of the day. The Books – I Didn’t Know That. Kind of weird. But good.

Hey Sibley County, Please Don’t Arrest Me!

On May 29, 2010, I was cited for speeding on Highway 19 in Sibley County. I was scheduled to appear in court or pay the $125 fine by July 29. Much to my chagrin, and possibly the chagrin of the Sibley County District Court, and maybe even the chagrin of the ticketing officer, I failed to do either. A whole lot of chagrinnin’ goin’ on. Since a warrant for my arrest will be issued in approximately eight days, turning me into a fugitive from the law, I mailed the following letter this morning.

Greetings, esteemed Constabulary!
I am writing in regards to your letter of 8/3/10. I realize that I did miss my court date of 7/29/10 and failed to pay the nominal fine that was issued me due to the ill-fated events of 5/29/10. This correspondence is to verify that neither negligence nor naked temerity were the cause of my absence. Never one to play the scofflaw, I do intend to pay the fine in full. It just may take a little while. You see, the money, I just don’t have it. In order to show my intention to settle my balance with the County of Sibley, I have attached a check for 10 dollars, American. Hopefully that will put me in good enough standing with the reverential District Court long enough for me to accrue the funds needed for the remaining $115. Or perhaps we could work out some sort of community service option? I would gladly spend an afternoon on the ravishing boulevards of Gaylord, cleaning up the noisy riff-raff of cigarette butts, candy wrappers, and other miscellanea that result from the apathy of the town’s citizenry. That option would also allow me to make a much-overdue visit to the local nursing home to play Wii with my grandmother, who ironically worked for many years at the very courthouse that I have now become entangled in this fiscal snafu with. I apologize for driving with such unbridled alacrity through your County, and hope we can work something out, as I plan on utilizing your highway infrastructure for many years to come.

(My signature)

<End of Letter>

Blong. The Beatles. Hey Sibley County, we can work it out!

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