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Joe Mauer: “My Second Favorite Part Of Life In The Big Leagues Is Waxing My Bat”

In the first interview of this series, Joe Mauer professed his undying love of showering at a Major League level. The goal of this follow-up was to steer Mauer away from his hygiene habits, and attempt to talk about the actual game of baseball. The question posed: after showering, what is your second favorite part of life in the big leagues? Let’s see what happened.

“Well, showering is and always will be my favorite part of the game,” Mauer explained, “But you can’t shower all the time. You just can’t. Other things need to get done in order to have a winning season. That’s why I wax my bat three, four times a day.”

Again, fans were shocked to hear Mauer’s answer. “Are you kidding me? He’s a multi-millionaire. He can pay to have anyone do anything he wants, and he said he buffs his own stick?” said an astonished fan. Another replied, “He knows that Target Field is surrounded by bars and nightclubs, right? And he’s down there in the locker room after games, rubbing his rod raw, because he likes to? Get out of here.”

After hearing some of the reactions, Mauer clarified. “I don’t always do it myself,” he confessed. “When I first got into the league, yes, I would service it personally, because I was too modest and shy to ask anyone else to do it. And up until recently, my wife, Maddie, would give it a real nice once-over whenever I got home from the ballpark. Heck, when we first started dating, she couldn’t keep her hands off the darn thing. I almost forgot how to do it myself. But now that she’s pregnant, she’s never really in the mood to do it anymore, so guess who the responsibility falls on? Moi,” he said, pointing at himself.

When asked if he was actually talking about cleaning a bat, or if he was making a thinly-veiled reference to masturbation, Mauer, with a completely serious look on his face, said, “Mast…….mast..tur…..master what?” When it became clear he wasn’t joking, his reputation as one of the most wholesome figures in the world of sports became even further cemented.

Joe Mauer: “My Favorite Part Of Life In The Big Leagues Is Shower Time”

*This article originally appeared on this blog in September of 2012. I’m airing it as a rerun in honor of the first game of the Twins season*

During a recent interview conducted in Target Field’s locker room shower, Joe Mauer, Minnesota’s veritable Golden Boy, revealed that his favorite part of being in the big leagues isn’t the money, fame, or even the fact that he plays a child’s game for a living.

“It’s definitely showering,” Mauer said with a devilish grin. “Taking a nice cold post-game shower is just as important as stretching pre-game. But not too cold, this guy knows what I’m talking about!” he exclaimed as he tickled Justin Morneau under the chin as if he were a cat.

This may come as a surprise to fans, many of whom often fantasize about life as a ball player.

“Really? He said showering?” replied one morbidly obese man who faithfully attends every home game at Target Field. “A guy I used to work with told me the players get as many left-over hot dogs from the night before as they want. It seems like that would be the best part. Hold on, hey! HEY!! Well thanks a pant-load, you made me miss the cotton candy man.”

The shower, not the field, according to Mauer, is where individuals truly become a team.

“The shower is where the team really comes together. Heck, just the other day I helped Gardy scrub a couple spots on his back that he couldn’t reach. Then I reminded him to eat plenty of Kemps dairy products to keep his bones strong. I wouldn’t want him slipping and breaking a wrist in there.”

Although not prompted to, Mauer continued to wax rhapsodic about his love of showering.

“Even on an off day I’ll call a team meeting, just to get everyone together. I learned as a rookie that no one feels the need to shower after a meeting, so now I get there a couple minutes early and really crank up the heat in the conference room. Half an hour in that sucker, and all the guys are dying to strip down and run some Head and Shoulders through their sweaty hair.”

When asked about the team’s prospects for next year, Mauer had this to say: “We’ve got some really talented guys coming up. But they’ve got a lot of things to learn, like discipline and patience. I recently drove my Chevrolet down to Rochester to scout them out. A lot of these guys are only spending five, six, seven minutes showering after the game. So I got in there and educated them on what it’s like in a real big league shower environment. You know, the importance of a good, frothy lather, keeping a nice wide stance to avoid slipping, and teamwork. It always comes back to teamwork.”

At the conclusion of the interview, Mauer turned off the water, slapped a few teammates on the ass, and yelled “Last one to the towel rack has to rub everyone else dry!”

Joe Mauer: “My Favorite Part Of Life In The Big Leagues Is Shower Time”

September 24, 2012 1 comment

In a recent interview conducted in Target Field’s locker room shower, Joe Mauer, Minnesota’s veritable Golden Boy, revealed that his favorite part of being in the big leagues isn’t the money, fame, or even the fact that he plays a child’s game for a living.

“It’s definitely showering,” Mauer said with a devilish grin. “Taking a nice cold post-game shower is just as important as stretching pre-game. But not too cold, this guy knows what I’m talking about!” he exclaimed as he tickled Justin Morneau under the chin as if he were a cat.

This may come as a surprise to fans, many of whom often fantasize about life as a ball player.

“Really? He said showering?” replied one morbidly obese man who faithfully attends every home game at Target Field. “A guy I used to work with told me the players get as many left-over hot dogs from the night before as they want. It seems like that would be the best part. Hold on, hey! HEY!! Well thanks a pant-load, you made me miss the cotton candy man.”

The shower, not the field, according to Mauer, is where individuals truly become a team.

“The shower is where the team really comes together. Heck, just the other day I helped Gardy scrub a couple spots on his back that he couldn’t reach. Then I reminded him to eat plenty of Kemps dairy products to keep his bones strong. I wouldn’t want him slipping and breaking a wrist in there.”

Although not prompted to, Mauer continued to wax rhapsodic about his love of showering.

“Even on an off day I’ll call a team meeting, just to get everyone together. I learned as a rookie that no one feels the need to shower after a meeting, so now I get there a couple minutes early and really crank up the heat in the conference room. Half an hour in that sucker, and all the guys are dying to strip down and run some Head and Shoulders through their sweaty hair.”

When asked about the team’s prospects for next year, Mauer had this to say: “We’ve got some really talented guys coming up. But they’ve got a lot of things to learn, like discipline and patience. I recently drove my Chevrolet down to Rochester to scout them out. A lot of these guys are only spending five, six, seven minutes showering after the game. So I got in there and educated them on what it’s like in a real big league shower environment. You know, the importance of a good, frothy lather, keeping a nice wide stance to avoid slipping, and teamwork. It always comes back to teamwork.”

At the conclusion of the interview, Mauer turned off the water, slapped a few teammates on the ass, and yelled “Last one to the towel rack has to rub everyone else dry!”

T.C. Bear

Why is the Twins mascot a bear? And just one bear. The bear should at least have a twin. Life sure is confusing sometimes.

This makes no sense.

Cogitations

Since I am feeling rather malapert (dictionary word of the day-unbecomingly bold or saucy) today, here are some random thoughts that have been kicking around in my head.

-(Talking in Jerry Seinfeld voice) When people say it’s hot as the dickens in here, what are the dickens, and why are they so hot?

-Here is one of my plans for the summer: I always see all these people outside Twins games with signs that say “need tickets.” Well, one of these days I’m going to go sit at happy hour inside J.D. Hoyt’s for awhile, get plastered, and draw up a bunch of tickets. I will then walk outside, and hand them to someone who needs tickets. They will look down and see that I have written “gun show” on the tickets. By the time they look up, I will be standing topless and flexing in front of them with an outstretched hand saying, “that will be 75 dollars you freak.”

-I hate to keep talking about the gentrification of Aldi, but they done did it again. This time, I saw a guy wearing a somewhat snug Abercrombie shirt in there. Him and his little lady acted like they were on a freaking safari. I could hear them, hiding behind the cheap lawn furniture, whispering to each other- “Oh honey, shhhhh…..look, it’s an immigrant! Here, hold out this 50 dollar bill and maybe he’ll get close enough so we can pet him.” Cutest couple EVER. How I pine for the days when it was just me and some deranged old lady complaining about the tax on marshmallows. We must keep these yuppies out of our grocery stores!

Anyways, that’s all I’ve really got. Here is some Japanese hip-hop. I would really love to learn the language so I could understand, but for now, I’ll just sit back and enjoy the Nintendo-esque beats.

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