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Posts Tagged ‘Ugly Duckling’

Summer

Here are my ideas so far:

-Walk naked through the outfield during a Twins game. You see, generations of streakers have the formula wrong. When you’re running, you give off the impression that you are doing something illegal. But if I hop out of the bleachers out there in left field, naked as a newborn, and confidently strut through the assembly of players all the way over to the stands behind the first-base line, people will just assume that I’m supposed to be there. I might use a flesh-colored body suit à la George Costanza. That is still up for debate.

-Walk naked through a Fourth of July Parade. Again with the nudity, right? Well, as I saunter along with the floats and bands and what-not, eventually the shocked crowd will come to realize that my nakedness is a metaphor for the birth of America. You see, back in ’76, 1776 that is, what was this great nation other than a naked baby? It came shooting out of The Mother of Modern Society, out into the world, covered in the disgusting viscera of afterbirth, ready to take on whatever Earth decided to throw at it. To arrest me for paying tribute to that would be nothing less than treason.

-Tube down the Root River in Lanesboro without clothing. The last two years I’ve done it, I have slathered myself in ridiculous amounts of sunscreen, only to emerge from the water looking like a freaking apple. Might as well try to achieve a uniform burn all over instead of having unsightly tan lines.

-Compose an entire Blog post in the nude. Check that off the list right now. This summer is already looking up.

-Maybe try to get a higher paying job so I can buy more clothes.

Well, it looks like I’ve got my work cut out for me. Here’s the Blong. Some of that laid-back killer Cali hip-hop. Ugly Duckling – Left Behind.

Friday Fun Facts – Medical Slang

Ah, the hospital. A magical place where doctors and nurses cure disease, perform complex surgeries, and from the looks of this website, use thinly veiled acronyms and slang to insult your absurd ineptitude. I’ll give you a few examples here, but you really have to check out the website to get the full experience. A lot of these would really make some good band names too.

Brothel Sprouts = Genital warts             Chocolate Hostage = Constipation

Digging for Worms = Varicose vein surgery      DUB = Damn ugly baby

Eiffel Syndrome (from “I fell” on it) = Foreign object in rectum

FLK w/ GLM = Funny looking kid with good looking mom      

FURB = Funny, unusual rectal blockage

Golden Ass = Affluent mother who treats nurses like servants

Hamburger = Train vs. pedestrian      Hole-in-one = Gunshot wound through mouth or rectum

Stream Team = Urology department       Urban Outdoorsman = Homeless person

Angel Lust = Male corpse with erection (apparently not uncommon)

Bugs in the Rug = Pubic lice         Acute Lead Poisoning = Gunshot wound

Bury the Hatchet = Leave a surgical instrument inside a patient       

Banana = Patient with jaundice

Well that about does it for me……..Here’s a good Friday Blong. Ugly Duckling – Slow the Flow.

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