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The New Paradigm for 21st-Century Ushering

Good tidings to you all. The book is coming along rather swimmingly, thank you for being curious. I can only hope that as the publication date nears, you will become buy-curious. The text has SWELLED to a voluminous 4,500……………words. That’s like eight pages, so I only need 76 more to reach my minimum goal, and I haven’t even drawn the graphs and flowcharts for it yet! These are truly exciting times, not just for me, but also for those who inhabit my intricately woven social circle. For instance, at my friend’s wedding this past weekend, I witnessed the single greatest showcase of ushering talent that mine eyes doth hath ever casted their gaze upon. I should know, I’ve been to like eight weddings. My good pal B-Rad, aka Johnny Two Tone, aka Jazz Fingaz, displayed such nimble-toed dexterity and unparalleled empathetic vision that I had to double check the program to make sure I was at the right place! I could have sworn this was Hollywood! Until now, I had not witnessed such precision, such grace, such civility, other than in the dreamy faux-reality of a major motion picture. He herded each bovinial-minded guest to a seat that he deemed fit, all while avoiding a level of rambunction that I can’t even begin to fathom. It was almost as if he had received a copy of the guest list in advance, taken into account the factors of height, girth, and disability, and created a detailed rundown of who could sit where. Although the venue was located in a naturical setting, on flat ground, a view obscured was not to be found. If a late-comer was confined to the back, he was seated in such a fashion that he still had a line of vision through the valley created between some of the more portly attendees and the nadir of hunched seniors. It was claimed that this unobstructed flow of perception was all unintentional, but as a woman with a rather prominent bouffant was escorted to the row in front of me, she was at the last moment directed to the outermost seat in the row, thus preserving an unfettered vantage point of the area in which the nuptials were about to take place. It looked as though B-Rad gave me a sly “I got ya covered” wink as he strode past, but we may never know, as he was wearing those kind of glasses that get dark when you’re in sunlight.

Here’s the Blong. Handsome Boy Modeling School. Sunshine. Featuring Sean Lennon and Paula Frazer.

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