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Ditch The Ice Buckets And Hop Aboard The Ebola Barf Challenge

ALS is a disease. Who it affects, I do not know. What the letters stand for, I can only guess. Celebrities are talking about it. Why? Maybe because there is no point in giving to charity if people don’t know you are doing it. But there is one thing I do know for sure about the condition. It is horrible, and must be stopped.

Luckily, we already have a cure—if you are a normal person, dump a bucket of water over your head on a hot summer day. If you are a celebrity, make a public announcement that you have a lot of money. Uncomfortable, yes, but it doesn’t leave a scar and you get to keep all your hair. I for one didn’t even realize I knew this many people who were battling ALS, which is why they call it The Silent Killer. It has been such a joy watching my friends and family being healed right before my eyes. If only this cure had been discovered 25 years ago. A lot of pain could have been prevented.

Ebola.

That brings us to the next “hot” disease of the moment—Ebola. It too ravages the human body in unimaginable ways, by attacking some pretty trendy organs. Organs that most people know about. This is huge in the disease community, as you don’t have to sit around and explain what necrotized tissue is, or why polythelia is such a problem for today’s youth. Nope, none of that with Ebola. We’re talking strictly liver and kidneys here. All-American meat-and-potato organs. And the best part is, Ebola is 100% curable, just like ALS. People do not know this.

This is why I am here to start The Ebola Barf Challenge. The name explains it all: simply film yourself barfing—in your yard, on a friend, on yourself, on your pet, anywhere you see fit—tag it on Facebook as #EbolaBarf and then challenge three of your friends to do the same within 24 hours. How does this stop Ebola? It’s a good thing you asked, because I wouldn’t want you to blindly jump on a fad without knowing what it’s all about.

Ebola can’t get in your body if you barf. It’s that simple. Barfing is like the body’s bouncer. Ebola is like an artificially tanned guy wearing white-rimmed sunglasses inside a bar at night. So the big, meaty bouncer (your barf) walks right up to the douche (Ebola) and tosses him out.

But sometimes the douche (Ebola) comes back. This is why it is imperative that you barf at least four times. That is how easy Ebola gives up! It gets barfed out of a body four times, and it quits! It’s weaker than the flu.

Please join me in this challenge; it is the only way we can band together and stamp out Ebola.

Once Ebola is extinct, we can film ourselves eradicating a number of other serious diseases that have recently become treatable—AIDS is cured when you drink your own crotch sweat, Lupus goes away when you rub raw fecal matter on your upper lip, and homosexuality reverses when you man up and touch a woman’s boobs (guys) or jiggle a guy’s weener around (girls).

Film yourself doing these things, and then put it on the internet so that everyone knows you are a generous, caring person, and be sure to only mention how much money you donated if it is over $1000, or risk being branded as a cheapskate.

 

 

 

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A New Workout Craze

Latest moneymaking scheme:

Create an infomercial, to be aired late at night. The product: a workout system for alcoholics.

The alcoholics then order the system while they are schnockered, with no recollection of having done so. The purchase will be reflected on their bank statements as ‘Alcohol Store.’

Eight to ten business days later: the alcoholic receives a package in the mail, informing them they have won a free prize—a hot, chiseled body.

The alcoholic, in its drunken state, will be horny, and want to possess a hot, chiseled body, so that it will attract people that like hot, chiseled bodies.

The package contains several videos, none of which name my company.

The first video instructs the alcoholic to hit pause, and get black-out drunk, then proceed with the program—a ploy that will work perfectly, because alcoholics, by their very nature, love to get black-out-drunk.

Once the alcoholic is black-out drunk, the video descends into a parade of nothing, basically—footage of cats playing with yarn, black and white photos of weddings that occurred in the 1930s, spliced with actual workout scenes, in the event that the alcoholic experiences a moment of coherence.

The VHS tapes will be engineered to unspool after 30 minutes of viewing. The DVDs also have a built-in destruction mechanism: they look like coasters. After repeated poundings from Steel Reserve tall boys, those discs will be useless within the week. The tapes and discs are thrown away and soon forgotten.

Since they are under the impression that the videos were a free prize, and the only record of any purchases are attributed to the ‘Alcohol Store,’ as the infomercials continue to air, money continues to flow down from the alcoholic to me, in a textbook case of the trickle-down economy in action. And it’s good for the alcoholic: the more times they purchase my system, the less money they will have to abuse alcohol.

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