The Demented Doctor Foghorn

You arrive at the offices of Dr. Foghorn, DDS, PhD, MD. As you are both doctors, your paths have crossed many a time.

He is sitting in the waiting room, thumbing through a copy of Oprah Magazine.

“Figgypudding. I’ve been expecting you.”

Why would he be expecting you? He must know something about the case. Or does he just say that to everybody?

“The hot, adulterous wife. What do you know about her?”

“It’s fantastic that you should ask. I know plenty. She has been a frequent client of mine. You should know this.”

“I knew those boobs couldn’t be real. You’re good, Foghorn. Real good. Where is she?”

“Well, Figgypudding, I was hoping we could discuss that. I have been looking for her as well.”

You sit down to talk with him.

“When was the last time she was in here?”

Foghorn replies, “Perhaps you shouldn’t be asking when, but why? Here, have some cheese and crackers. My mistress, Mildred, made them. I’m putting her through culinary school.”

Being a little hungry, you dig in.

“They’re good, aren’t they? A fascinating wonder of chemistry, cheese is. That particular batch you are gorging yourself on has been cultivated from rat milk and liposuction tallow. Do tell me what you think.”

You: “Oh, I did not know that. Excuse me for a moment.”

You pretend your cell phone is ringing and step out into the hall to vomit a little. Weakness cannot be shown in front of the Doctor.

You return, and say “Let’s get to why I’m here. Where is she?”

Dr. Foghorn: “That’s actually none of your beeswax. Doctor/patient confidentiality, you see. Allow me to answer your question with another question. Why would I know where she is? I just do her surgeries. And sleep with her. That’s as far as it goes.”

You: “I reckon I believe you. I don’t know why, but I do.”

The Doctor: “Splendid. But I can tell you this: she is quite fond of the Potato People that hang around the sewage dump below the Spud Foundry. Care to take a steam with me?”

The stench of chicanery envelops this whole situation. Do you:

Head down to the Spud Foundry.

Take a little break and head to the steam room for a bit.

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